can anyone help? TW sexual assault
i think i may have been raped/molested/whatever by my dad. haven’t spoken to him in years so no immediate danger. i have nobody irl i can speak to about this and no access to that help atm.
i don’t even know how to explain my situation. since i learned what trauma was i’ve almost been wishing to Have trauma to explain why my brain is like this. i get terrified around grown men especially if they come into my bedroom. i have these weird, freezing moments? it’s like a weird almost-memory of hands touching me inappropriately and i freeze up and zone out
and idk if it was my dad or someone else and honestly idc who, but i wanna know if i’m right about this y’know?
i have some sort of blank years in my life. times where i just can’t remember that much besides particularly big things (an injury, a school play. everything else is,,, blurry)
i’ve been hypersexual (at least i think?) for as long as i can remember. when i was idk 7? maybe even younger i cant remember, i would (unknowingly) pleasure myself while thinking about people doing things to me without my consent (didn’t know what it meant)
when i was 9(?) i discovered things like porn and such. i remember one day i was looking through all that stuff online and my dad kept coming into my room and sitting on my bed and idk i felt weird.
and idk when it was that i started being scared/uncomfortable around him but i was and that only got worse until he left
and then there were the dreams, i think they started around 10/11. they arent/werent frequent but it would be dreams of him raping me basically. ive had dreams since of just loads of strangers doing the same but it started with him and in the dream he was telling me we had to be quiet and i just don’t know where i even got that from. i don’t think i’d consumed content of any kind that would’ve given me that idea
and then a couple years ago my mum and i were talking and she admitted that she thought he might have done something to one of my siblings and said sth like “i just wish if it had happened to one of them they would tell me so i could go to the police” and idk it made me feel. weird
i’m 99% sure i’m missing details here, it’s all jumbled in my head and i’m exhausted and i just. don’t know what to do. this is kinda a last resort for me. sorry this was long and rambly. sorry if i’m not using this place correctly
I totally understand... I've been wondering for years if I've had the same thing happen.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hello, so sorry that you think you may have experienced SA. It is a good chance that your feelings are validating something that happened. Writing things out on paper as to what you are feeling, how it is making you feel, and being curious about what is fueling those thoughts can be a defining to answer those questions.
I hope this is helpful. I to was a victim of SA starting at age 4, so I truly resonate with both of you❤️
@nobodyspecial111
I am so sorry that you are going through this torment with the dreams and the uncomfortable feelings that you had around your dad. Your subconscious mind is trying to show you something, and your emotions are telling your body these signals. Be curious and ask questions of these thoughts to challenge them to help clarify. Write down the answers, and this might help draw or paint a picture that will begin to become more clearer. There is a book entitled The Body Keeps The Score. If possible, that might be a good book to help you understand more clearly.
You stay safe and you are welcome here❤️
Hello. I think I am late, but I had to reply to this. First of all, I am truly sorry that you are experiencing/experienced this. I happen to be in a very similar situation since like 6-7 months ago to now. I have similar responses as yours (In my case is bedtime what triggers me the most). When I was 4-5 I would also pleasure myself (unknowingly. In the most sensitive area), sometimes to the point it hurted a bit, imagining a man doing that and saying it was necessary, that it was for my well-being, or that it was what I was made for (I didn't understand anything of what I was doing or why I did it. I think I stopped doing that when I was 12-13). Like 4 months ago I discovered I have a scar that I didn't cause myself. I researched on internet sites about what I did at those ages to understand better and it helped me feel less guilty, but I still didn't found the part of thinking of someone else doing that to me so I thought I was probably the only one who did that until I red your post. I have a strong feeling that my "favorite uncle" did something to me when he took care of me in his house when I was 3-4 years old. My only advice to you is to listen what your heart and body has to say, they won't make things out of nothing. I hope you feel some peace right now and I wish the best for both of us. I am here if you want to talk, always 💕
About telling your mom, if you're safe now, only talk with her if you feel you can trust her. It is your decision to open up about this or not, do it if you want and feel ready to do so (I don't know if you already talked to her or not). I hope you find support soon, you deserve it. 💗
