help me
I think I was 8 or 9 years old when it happened to me. my sister and I were sleeping at my uncle's house over the weekend. we used to stay up late with all my cousins, then all of us would sleep in the same room. My big cousin was about 16 years old, I remeber waking up and he was on top of me. he didn't officially rape me, but he fingered, kissed ans touched me. i was too scared to move or yell so i just pretended that i was sleeping. It kept on happeneing everytime i went there. i tried to avoid sleeping at my uncle's house but my sister made me go with her everytime, until he travelled to live in another country.
i didn't tell anybody about it, i just kept it all in and tried my hardest to forget about it. when I became 12 years old i couldn't handle the nightmares and the panic attacks anymore, so i told my freind about it, my freind told her mother and her mother told my mother. I remeber my mom being so mad when she found out about what happened. she blamed me, she yelled at me, hit me and told me that it was my fault he did it to me. I was too scared so I lied to her. I told her that he kissed me once and that was all what happened, she was still mad and made me swear not tell anyone about what happened.
I'm 16 years old now and nobody knows about it. I can't tell anyone because I don't have any prove about what happened. I'm having nightmares and flashbacks again again. Maybe i deserved it, thats why it happend to me not my sister, thats why my mom blamed me. maybe it was all my fault and i deserve to suffer.
@Wxnderlust1987
First off, you are so brave and strong for telling your story. Your mom is completely wrong about whose responsibility it was. You were absolutely, without a doubt, not at fault. Remember how small you were at that age. There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't deserve to be violated that way. Ever. You also didn't deserve to be blamed or shamed for what happened. It is 100% your cousin's responsibility, guilt and shame, not your's. Please let that sink in. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and to be trusted. ALWAYS.
Nightmares and flashbacks are normal reactions to abnormal conditions. They can be so scary and sudden. Please keep reaching out if you need support. It can be extremely scary to reach out for help, you're so brave. There are so many resources online to assist too oncluding youtube guided meditations and relaxation techniques that may help. Even though it's scary, reaching out to a school counselor may be a option.
Take tender care of yourself!
@Wxnderlust1987
I'm so so so so so sorry such an awful thing happened to you when you were a child and that your mother was not supportive or understanding like she and anyone else you tell should be. I understand that many people who have been through sexual violence think they must have deserved it or that they caused it. I just want you to know that it is NEVER your fault and there is NOTHING you could have done to deserve it. Even if you straight up asked someone to sexually abuse you, you still wouldn't not deserve it. No one ever has the right to do that to you. It was 100% the fault of the perpertrator. You are not defined by what someone else did to you. You do not need any proof that it happened in order for people to believe you. It's not like most perpertrators leave lots of evidence when they commit awful crimes. Many sexual assaults happen without the perpertator being punished and without any proof.
There is help available for you so that you don't have to live with the pain of being traumatized anymore. There are therapists that specialize in helping people heal from trauma. There are treatments available like accelerated resolution therapy and EMDR that have been developed for PTSD and trauma. They can lessen and even get rid of the flashbacks and nightmares.
