how to help a friend that was SA’ed
tw: rape
my boyfriend just told me that someone raped him over the summer and i feel so horrible for him, i want to be there for him as much as i can be, any advice is greatly appreciated
also, is it wrong of me to ask for comfort from someone else about this? i’m really upset by the whole thing and overall feel horrible, i wouldn’t tell anyone else what happened without his permission but is it wrong of me to want comfort over something that didn’t happen to me?
@gentleMap3284
Hello,
No, it is not wrong for you to want comfort and support as well!
It is understandable that you feel effected by hearing that someone you cared about went through something terrible.
I think the best way to offer support is to offer empathy, understanding, compassion, and time. <3
I appreciate you reaching out<3💛💫
As a survivor, we sometimes forget things impact those around us. Please keep in mind he may still be trying to sort his own thoughts out. Him reaching out to you is a big, scary step. I can only speak on my own experience, I do not know him or his situation.
When I reached out, it was not for pity or comfort...as a matter of fact, I hated pity/comfort. How could someone who has not gone through it understand the scope of what had happened? How could my boyfriend know what I'd been through, and not just see me as this fragile and broken thing that he needed to tiptoe around?
I was fortunate in that he allowed me to be me, and looked at me no different. When we were in bed, yes, he was more in tune and able to recognize any discomfort. But the biggest thing was that he NEVER pushed to talk about it. When we did talk, it was hard on us both, but he was always supportive and never brought blame, accusations, or what I should/could have done differently. Believe me...your BF has already thought about all those things.
My best suggestion is to do what my BF did for me, just let him talk, let HIM lead the conversation, he'll tell you everything he's come to terms with already and start working through more. I know questions will pop into your head, if they're on topic ask them, but be prepared for the chat to end. He may feel pressured to say more than he wants, and could shut down.
Now for the question about you needing comfort...that's kind of a loaded question. Do you deserve compassion? Indeed, it's a lot for someone to handle when SA is dropped on their plate. But you do need to bear in mind that this is NOT your story to tell, and it took a lot for him to tell you. Maybe try having a frank chat with him about who you might want to talk to about it and most importantly, how much he's comfortable with you telling.
I know that's a long answer, and it may seem slanted toward your BF side. What many don't fully comprehend is that it is not just something physical that happened to us. SA can slither to every part of our being and take different things from different people. We all act and react to it differently.
Basically, just listen closely to him when he chooses to talk. Be supportive and engaged. He trusts you to a high degree if he's told you about it, cherish that trust, don't break it. Best of luck to you, feel free to reach out if you'd like. I'm not on every day, but will respond as soon as messages are received.
