idk how to feel
*i am a virgin, well at least was* i’ve been hanging with this guy for almost three weeks now. i went to his place twice & he came to my place twice.. nothing really happened other than cuddling at his place but when he came to my place he decided to give me oral, i didn’t ask for it & we never talked about it but i accepted it. i’ve had oral sex before but i just didn’t want to move to fast with this because i was really starting to like him. well the second time he came to my place, he decided to perform oral sex on me. all of a sudden something felt different, i looked down & he had insterted his self into me. i said “what are you doing” & pushed him away, he looked at me angrily & i ran into my bathroom trying to calm myself during a panic attack.. as i left the bathroom he continued to sit in my bedroom & i told him i had a series of questions. the first being “why would you do that” & he responded that he was caught in the moment.. the second question was “did any of your bodily fluids enter my body” & the last “are you clean” .. the worst part about this whole situation is i was molested for years as a child & almost raped twice before.. i was getting comfortable with him & i thought i could trust him and then this happens in my own home. in my bedroom. he apologized & i’m not mad at him but like the title says i don’t know how to feel.. i just wanted to get it out
My advice is to leave him alone because he doesn’t respect you if he tried to have sex with you and you guys didn’t discuss it beforehand. If it’s just foreplay that’s fine but he didn’t bother to ask for permission. On the other hand , I understand him being in the moment but that’s no excuse. You are traumatized from your previous experiences and he was a trigger for you. That’s not healthy.
Hey, I think all of us women forgive too easily, we are taught to not have any ownership over our bodies right from childhood. You should definitely let the guy know that it was not okay what he did and the next time he does anything with someone else who is super new to him, he might as well ask. Plus don't see the guy please, he doesn't care for consent or boundaries. The next time you're seeing someone communicate clearly with them about your boundaries and remember it's only a yes if you actually say 'yes' until then whatever the case maybe it means 'no' only. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, frustrated and hurt but don't let it sit with you forever and never blame yourself for it. I hope this helps and you be happy again.