i hate the way i feel.
a few months ago i caught my ex boyfriend/sons father molesting my 9 yr old, i flipped out of course and attacked him and had him arrested. since then he has been in jail and we have court coming up soon. A lot of this has triggered and brought up memories from the past of being molested by older cousins from age 4 to 7. and has also brought up a lot of represssed anger for my mother. I have also been serverly depressed with anxiety. i hate that i feel so guilty about what happened to my daughter, i should have kicked him out before any of this happened. he was abusive to me and i shouldve kicked him out. i also feel guilty because there are days i miss him. i hate that i have all these emotions and dont have a place to put them...... i almost took my life the other night and knew it wasnt the right thing to do.... i just wish all this huet would go away.....
*hurt
@rationalShade9049
@rationalShade9049 Hi Shade, thanks for posting here and it sounds from what you have written that things have been extremely painful for you, especially since finding out about your child having been abused. I can't imagine what that must feel like for you, but as you know, abuse is usually carried out in such ways that only the child and the abuser/s know its happening, often children who are victims of abuse, are manipulated into maintaining the secrecy that the abuser wants so they can carry on abusing. I dont know how it was for you, or whether you too said nothing for a while but thinking back am sure you can appreciate how hard it is when you are going through it, to be able to feel safe enough to turn to someone for help. You are not responsible for what happened to your child, but you did the right thing by protecting your child once you knew, That cant have been easy for you. How do you feel about knowing the court date is fast approaching?
I'm sorry to hear that you yourself went through similar experiences, and I wonder what support you have got or have had for you to work through this? Its not surprizing that the recent situation with your child has caused past issues to errupt up to the surface and I wonder how you are managing this?
When a person has been a part of your life for a while its only natural that you may miss them when they are not there, but perhaps your missing the better times, the times you had before finding out, rather than missing the person you have learnt exists, the person who is an abuser?
I hope your hanging in there 
@dancingRainbow45
hi, first of all sorry for reponding so late but i havent really been online lately. things have been extremely painfu on my end and i have been trying not to cry and have my kids see that i am sad. most days its a struggle but i maintain. i take moments to mysel while in the shower or take 5 in my walk in closet. i remember as a child my abusers would tell me it was a game but i knew all along that it wasnt it never felt right. i think the anger i have held towards my mother is the fact that i shown all the signs of a sexully abused child but she never paid attention or knew what was wrong with me. Like wetting myself i would get punished or being clingy she would push me away. i just wanted her. i still just want her. I am 30 yrs old and i have never told my mother about any of the abuse because even at a young age i knew that it would break her heart. i never got any help for this and have carried around all these years. during my teens i started using drugs and that became a means of escape for me. i later sought help and went to rehab and learned so much about myself but i still struggle with keeping clean. i am trying to maitain myself but there are times my emotions get the best of me. i fear my daughter may head down the same path and have put her in therapy and sought a mentor for her, obviously i am the best role model at this point. i just want her to learn how to cope in a positive way and not the ways i have through work,sex, drugs and drinking.
Court has been postponed AGAIN for the 4TH time this year, i dont understand why but frankly its pissing me off. i just wish he would take the plea offer and end our suffring.
i know it isnt my fault what happened to my daughter. and my feelings of missing him. i do miss the better times, the times he was nice and didnt hit me, the times he was being a good dad. but under all that lurked a disgusting monster.... i realize that but most days my mind reels as to why he had to hurt my baby. answers i might ever get. i just want to talk to him but i doubt i am strong enough to do so.... this has been a struggle but i feel that the more i work on me and my daughter gets the help she needs along with family therapy that we will grown closer and stronger. And we will move past this.
thank you for your words they help and i hope to hear more from you.
@rationalShade9049 I'm so sorry this alle happened, both to you in your past and your child now. It's a true horror show indeed but you are very strong and did an awesome job protecting your child. I'm glad you got your child help, and I hope you are getting some for yourself too. Please try to not feel guilty, we can't do something about anything till we know it exhists, and you acted as soon as you did know.
When it comes to sexual abuse, many strange attachments can grow. The pleasure hormones and enzymes released douring sex are at the same levels as if an opiate was taken, and can create the same attachment, as well as what one may have been convinced of douring the abuse or as result of it. I know this well myself, and the guilt involved in being somehow attracted to our abusers is a very hard thing to wrap our heads around, though it is very common. I find myself still attracted to the four men whom systematicly abused me as much as I truly hate them, so I hear you hon and I feel for you.
As far as the delays in court as frustrating as they are, this can be a good thing. It gives good time for your child to get a bit farther into therapy, and yourself as well. A big part of your case isn't just what happened, it's also what the effects on your child and yourself are. As much as it sucks to drag on, think of this as time to gather more evidence to solidify your case so this man can't find a way out of it.
You are very strong and have done very well to this point, hang in there. Please feel free to post me anytime you need or wish, I will get back to you as soon as I can if I'm not in.
Good luck hon I hope you get resoloution soon and find peace, and I pray your child can pull through this well. :)
