i know it was rape but my partner wouldnt call it that so im ashamed
Triggers perhaps?
Soo I had a boyfriend around this time last year and we had been going out for about nine months... during that time he was constantly pressuring me for sex and calling me weird and making me feel broken when i told him i didnt want to and always pushed me a bit too far. There were a couple of occasions where that happened and i would go off crying and he would come to me saying that hes sorry it wont happen again and that he was the broken one- to which i always said it was my fault for not wanting to do anything... it was just all he ever thought about and i felt like thats all he ever wanted. When I had finally given in after months of nagging, it was shit to put it bluntly. I didnt enjoy it, it didnt feel nessecary but obviously i faked and told him it was wonderful amazing. Then we went to a party i got a bit too drunk and he stayed over at mine for the night where he forced himself off me. I kept telling him to stop and gently pushing him off i felt disgusting and not like a real grilfriend. That happened again where i kept telling him to stop but he wouldnt for a while. This has really screwed me up, and i feel broken like a failure and unclean and like its all my fault as well. I should have pushed harder. But the thing that really makes me sad is that he might not even remember this/ think it was a big deal/ or regard it as rape. It is effectig every aspect of my life but he is most likely walking around like nothing happened and that what hurts the most. He dumped me a bit after that because i was making him feel bad - his words- but all i can think is that he got the sex out of me that he wanted and i was used and thrown away.
i suck.
you don't suck your amazing person and strong that you were able go through all of that that's amazing! He is a dick and only cared about him self so don't ever feel like anything was your fault it was all his or his way of manipulating you and don't let him do that. Your beautiful amazing and strong just remember that 
@Stoppable01
Thanks, I guess I just dont feel valid and that Im wingeing over nothing when there are so many more terrible things happening in the world. Im just very conflicted about how to feel and future relationships :(
yes people do have it worse, but that doesn't mean what happened to you is any less bad or not as bad. No it's just as bad because it shouldn't ever happen! Don't stress or worry about future relationships because there will be a guy that actually respects you and your boundaries and will fight for your trust and won't break it or use it against you.
It's a horrible thing that's happened to you. Something very private and special has been reduced to a battle of the wills, and your feelings have been invalidated.
I have been holding onto to this secret for too long and it haunts me sometimes when I wake up. When I was around 10 years old, I began to be sexual ly assualted by my cousin who was 12. I slept over by his house once and then he got on my back and told me to push back. I said no and I told him to stop but he pinned me down and pushed into me, I felt dirty and sinful because I grew up Catholic in which homosexuality is seen as one of the worst sins you can commit.. That was the first occurrence, over 5-6 years when I went to his house to sleep over the same thing happened, except sometimes I was looking forward to it, this was due mostly to the fact that girls never seemed to like me in school and I was being bullied. It stopped when I reached high school but sometimes when im.alone and im.thinking, it pops into my head and I start feeling awful. I can never bring myself to tell anyone because I feel they will be disappointed. I want to stop thinking about it...any advice?
I am so sorry he did this to you. Yes, it is rape, you told him to stop and he didn't. Humans know full well that they can take advantage of a person who wants to please them, that they can bend someones choices if they person has low self esteem, or if they are weaker than you etc. It also sounds as if he felt guilty, hence saying that you made him feel bad. It wasn't YOU that made him feel bad, his ACTIONS made him feel bad. If he knew that what he did was right, pure, and innocent, he would not feel bad. He would feel confused, and want to set things right perhaps, but not bad.
