my story (sexual trauma, trigger warning ⚠️)
i never thought i'd be here, sharing my story but uh hi. i've been in several toxic relationships throughout my teens and they all did some serious damage. constant threats of suicide to manipulate me into staying and "caring". gaslighting me, belittling me, harassing me and, eventually, raping me. i never considered what happened to be harassment or rape because i didn't say no directly. i thought i deserved it and i thought i was supposed to like it. thought it was normal. it took me three years to finally admit to myself that what happened was very much rape and i very much did NOT need to like it. so now when i feel vulnerable or like someone is going to take advantage of me, i shut down and tremble and go temporarily mute. really easy for someone to talk me into something if i can't speak or make a noise. so now that i'm in a healthy relationship, i'm worried i can't have sex and that they'll leave when in reality, they support me and love me so much. it's really hard to forget what happened to me and i want to heal desperately but i suppose i keep picking the wound, so to speak. if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice, i'm all ears. this is the first time i've reached out for help and i feel very uncomfortable but i'm willing to bleed again and heal properly from this. i'm desperately trying to trust again as well.
@constellationss Well done for reaching out - it's possibly one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but writing about your abuse and opening yourself up to others is so important in the healing process. I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you've been through. My parallel is the way I react when I feel vulnerable, like I'm back in the same situation once more, at risk from others who are taking advantage of me. Even now, so many years after being abused I still feel it like it was yesterday (abused for 5 years from 7 years old, and I'm now 41!). What I can say is that it does get easier, your strategies for dealing with it will become easier to access. Trust that you will find someone who will allow you the space to heal, to take baby steps, to engage physically on your own terms, when and if you're ready. This may take time, time that you don't feel like you have, and you'll be impatient, upset and worried that it will never happen, but be assured that it will. One of the key things that keeps me on the straight and narrow is a loving wife, so supportive, so patient and understanding. I only disclosed to her for the first time 6 weeks ago, so it's still pretty raw, and having to cope with flashbacks, deep depression, anxiety and a full time job is really hard right now, but I've come to recognise my resilience, my ability to handle situations that previously I would have thought beyond me. You are like a willow tree, yes, the wind will blow you down and you'll feel like breaking, but have faith that the wind will drop and you'll flex back upright again, stronger than before. The more you can work on having faith in yourself, that you can get through this, that others will support you if you choose to explain that you need space, you need to take physical contact at your place. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable - this is part of being authentic, and the more honest you are about your feelings and emotions, the easier you will find forming those relationships which will be like the roots to your willow tree, these relationships will keep you grounded and nourish you. Have faith that things will get better, be gentle with yourself and try not to expect too much. Listen to that rational choice inside yourself that reassures you that your partner will not leave you, but loves you dearly. Nobody is perfect, so be ok to show what you feel are your imperfections - these are part of what makes you unique, and yes, not necessarily parts that you're willing to share with everyone, but in the right space, and with the right person, you'll realise that those who love you will love you because of who you are, imperfections and all. Sending you all my best wishes, 🤗 Grits
