Grief trauma detachment
I have got to a point where I'm really struggling. I have unresolved grief from when my mum died last year from cancer. The end was very long and painful for her and very traumatic to watch as Dad and I were allowed to stay with her as she died. If I'm honest I don't think I dealt with it well, pushed on through and tried to fake normality for the benefit of my family. This caused its own set of problems. I became detached from my grief and my husband and this has caused me a lot of unhappiness which i also ignored in the hope it would go away.
Fast forward to beginning of 2021 my dad was diagnosed with cancer but thankfully caught early and deemed curable however 13 days ago he had a stroke and is in hospital. I am currently signed off from work so I can visit him (1hr a day and only 1 designated visitor per patient). He's going through so much and unfortunately his mental health is suffering from the implications of the stroke. He is very emotional and distressed and this is also very traumatic for me. I feel helpless and useless.
On Saturday I had a bit of a breakdown and I have not really stopped crying since. I told my husband I no longer loved him which has been bubbling under the surface for a long time. This is obviously now causing him distress and I feel guilty and ashamed that I feel this way. I'm having problems working out if my feelings are real or based on detachment from past and present events. I feel so lost and don't know what to do. I've contacted the doctor for help, I don't really know what kind of help I need.
Any comments or suggestions welcome and thank you
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I wish you, your family, and friends all the best.
Grief is something that takes time to process. You've been barely able to process the loss of your mother, and now your father is having some health scares. On top of that, the pandemic is making it difficult to be there for your father. It's awful having to deal with all these things that you can't control.
You're dealing with a lot! Maybe your feelings about your husband are true, and "the straw that broke the camel's back", or maybe they're fake and just the result of detachment. You're a kind person for caring about causing your husband distress, and you did the right thing telling him the truth about how you feel now.
It's great that you reached out to a doctor for help. They can help you with navigating how to get the best help you deserve.
I think that supporting your father is a top priority at the moment, and once things settle, you will have more energy and a better headspace to work through your relationship and discuss things together with your husband.
I hope things get better soon. Stay strong, you're on the right path.
