Husband

I lose my first husband when I was 23. We had been together since I was 15. We had a 6 year old at the time and he passed away 3days after her birthday. He passed away when we where in bed together sleeping. I wake up to find him and had to get our daughter out of the bed before she wake up and see him. I had to protect her from seeing that even though I was going nuts myself the first thing I did was call my mom and my mom was like call 911 call 911. Have you ever been questioned by the police is if you did something wrong it was so bad, I was so young and dumb and had no clue what he was doing behind my back. The man never smoked a cigarette or drank a beer, but apparently his friends and his brother got him started on oxy Cotton, which I never knew until the day I got the autopsy back and he had 16 drugs in his system seven which were unknown. They said he had enough methadone in his body to kill an elephant. How could I be so dumb? How did I not see it? I know he was falling asleep a lot, but I honestly thought it was because of work really hard and every minute he had after work he’ll be spending with his friends working on his race car March 29 in my life changed March 29 as well. My world came crashing down March 29. My daughter no longer had a father March 29 I try to take my own life March 29 and I’ll never forget as much as I want to and as much as I want my PTSD and flashbacks to stop. I never think it well it’s been 17 years I’m still grieving. I a hard time. Leaving my home now. I’m worried that somethings going to happen to me or someone else I couldn’t do the last time I left my house it’s gone so bad that I don’t even go to the grocery. Grocery delivery was a good thing when it came along but I guess also a bad thing as know never have to leave. And also when Covid hit and made it nice because now I no longer had to leave my house for a doctors appointment. I do my therapy online and I see my psychiatrist online and I only have to see my doctor once every three months so that means I get to stay in the house for three months with no worry about what happened wanna leave, since we moved into our new home, I’ve gotten a little less scared and open my shades sometimes. I’ll even open the windows not all the way but at least crackle when it’s nice outside so that’s just a little of my story. There’s so much more to it and so many details I’m not able to speak about because it causes too many flashbacks.