Loss butterfly effect

This summer I went to a fun summer camp, which was hands down the worst decision in my entire life. I could still be home with my mom at a school I love with a small group of great friends. I could have saved my reality at so many points, but I just didn't know. I didn't know that after coming home from camp, I would bring my mom covid. She was my best friend, supportive, loving, a great listener, an amazing educator and an even better mother. She always gave me a shoulder to cry on and advice on how to stop. She homeschooled me and gave me wonderful opportunities (and later signed me up for a five star Montessori School which I loved and went to for a month but she never lived to see). I lost her to covid in September of this year and was forced to move in with my dad in another country. I don't like my dad. He doesn't care enough, doesn't listen enough, and doesn't have a clue on how to deal with a severely depressed and gifted teen. He yells at me, asking why all the other kids my age don't try to jump off their top bunk bed head first after cutting their arms. He constantly tells me to "snap out of it" and let go. But the truth is, I can't. He pulled me out of my home and an amazing charter school like a weed in a garden and signed me up for a school that doesn't even teach different material each year. He absolutely does not respect my gender or my pronouns and when I ask him to listen he tells me to shut up and read. I ask him to research depression and he tells me to keep it to myself and only takes me to a therapist once every 3 months. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I dissociate and have out of body experiences while the person I can't control keeps cutting themselves and looking for things to tie into a rope. I just want to go home. My mom had a list of people in the area we lived in who she trusted to be my guardian if something like this happened. People who would at least listen and give me help. People who I know would be fully willing to take me in. But my dad says I'm his responsibility now. I don't know what to do and even though my mom left me prepared to live alone (plus I'm receiving an extreme trauma pension that pays 500 dollars monthly until I'm 18) I'm too young to get emancipated in my country. I just need to vent because if I tell this to my dad he would probably yell at me and say "it's all because of that phone of yours" and I would lose access to the much needed help I can access here. If you read this whole thing- wow. Being able to listen even without the other person knowing can say a lot about someone! Please know that you are loved and if you are struggling we will all one day get through this... so we might as well ride it out together. Have a beautiful day and stay healthy everyone❤🩹