To my brother, where you may be

1/16/2022 2am Sunday declared dead on site. Car accident. Other driver was driving a dodge truck, DUI.

24 years old.

It has been a year, but it still feels like he’s just out playing. Like he’ll come home super late.

I still remember his joking smile. His stupid laughter. The way he shakes his head. The last he requested of me was to buy him chicken nugget, dinosaur shape. The day before he passed, he walked out of his room specifically to tell me he had a dream. He dreamed that he was talking to someone when his wallet was stolen out of his pocket. He knew what was happening but he couldn’t move from the conversation to stop the thief. He found the wallet later on the ground but it was empty. I told him to be careful but I didn’t know my words weren’t enough to protect him. Two days before, he was talking to me about moving up north, his goals, and plans.

Just like that, he was gone. And I hold on to everything that once was. Wondering what it could have been. Wondering why it had to be him.

Think me crazy, whatever it be. Half a year before the incident, I was super anxious. Always on edge. I began updating life insurances and gathering my important documents in case anything happen to me. While doing that, a thought came: which brother would you rather die, the first or the second son? I thought of life without one of them, and I told “it” if someone has to go, take me. I didn’t know then, that one really was taken.

I still think of him and send him prayers. When I have anxiety and am at my lowest like now, I feel sad and I think of him. How life could have been. 😢 My dear brother who left us early.