Advice
Hello fam just word of advice or any insight
so I’m 25 engaged and have a 4 year old. So my problem is prior to my son I was In college and my identity was clear
However ever since I had my kid and been more family oriented well try’s to be from my best knowledge but long story short my and my girl was compatible in the beginning when I was a piece of crap far as living life and not having a committed relationship she always say I was so much nicer during that time
but Now I find my self not living for me no more and tbh I guess you can say I’m living day by day just keeping my family intact and it’s not like we messing the kid up with a lot of argument but there is a lot of arguments however the difference is she seem to bad talk me in front of him almost in a since of hurting me by words then my reactions make me seem like the problem so the mis of being disrespected in front of my kid to the point he copy’s her word from word or join in the convo bad talking me he never once copied me bad mouthing towards his mom
however all that animosity towards me sad to say sometimes emotionally drained me from wanted to be around those two really at the same time bc his behavior is a totally change vs it just being me and him
so idk I guess I’m struggling with having a broken home because that’s something I preached so much since he been here how important that was for me bc I came from a broken home
and her she came from having her mom and dad her dad working and her mom staying at home
however here is the conflict she don’t want to be a stay at home mom but more so she wanna be the head of house due to her striving to not being like her mom bc it’s not the 50s but her actions can be over bearing trying to everything then complaining about during everything if I’m not the lil things she expect me to do
but It’s not like I’m a stay at home dad
but Idk maybe we grew apart but just kind of suck I might end up with a broken family but I feel like I invested in this relationship so much I gave I’n with out even knowing I gave in I became more agitated I even switch careers to match her so we have more in common work wise the moment I start working on my self less work more education for the year now I’m making less money until I finish out my schooling and now we on the verge of separation bc she fed up but I honestly ok with that it’s just bad timing due to the fact she don’t wanna renew our lease and we on a agreement fars me doing school this year and reversing bill responsibility .. idk I’m y’all don’t know our history and I’m not trying sound like no perfect person I’m not but now I have to worry about new housing etc …idk stress any advice I was feeling like I should just go with the flow if we separate we separate if I end up homeless I end up homeless lol idk now I find my self laughing to not stress … my hair receding now I’m growing grays I have them headaches at the back of the head by the lower crown nape area
Hi @faithfulPenguin510, it sounds like you have a lot going on and it sounds like you're frustrated.I can relate to certain aspects about your posts.I'm actually a single parent and have felt a bit like you, in terms of losing your identity after having a kid, and having the other parent badmouth you in front of your kid.
For some reason, my entire post won't send, I get Code:064 everytime I try so... I'll send them in small chunks, I do apologize in advance.
[CONT.]
:: BADMOUTHING::
It's never good in general to badmouth or say ANYTHING about the other parent, regardless of if they're a ***-head or not. My ex was physically & verbally abusive, I even have a restraining order against him and he doesn't show up to his visitations for son, he's inconsistent, so I cut him off but... If son asks about his father, all I say is "Daddy is working/busy and he loves you very much". My son is 3y.o., not ready for a full explanation, and he'll figure it out on his own once he's older. If I explained to him now or in his adolescence years, it'll only hurt him, so I'll keep it to myself.
::PARENTING CLASSES::
When I left ex, I took parenting classes and honestly... It's pretty helpful. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, so things I thought might be "normal" weren't, and it opened up my eyes to he the best role model and mentor I can be to my son. Also, if you're separated from your child's mother, parenting clases will teach you how to deal with her if she's being difficult or badmouthing you to child in a way that is not detrimental to you nor your child.
[CONT.]
:: HOMELESSNESS::
As far as the homelessness goes, I'm going through that right now, but it's not related to ex/son's father. Just other factors in life. I was going to rent a room or Airbnb it, but it's quite expensive as a single parent so... I'm going to swallow my pride and take up my friend's offer instead, because son comes first. I kinda didn't accept his offer for..reasons.. considering we're transitioning from friends to lovers lol. But I've known him for a year...Anyhow!There are government programs too out there that can help with subsidized housing, might be something you might wanna look into. I don't know what country you live in, but if you Google "housing assistance" in your area, it should take you to where you need to be. I started a new job recently, so have to wait until I get 3 of my most recent paystubs and I can get back on my feet.
@ImpudentIncognito
[CONT.]
::𝐈𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲::
Okay YES 100%, I can relate to losing my identity after having a kid. I was just a "wife" and "mother" for the longest time...and also the breadwinner/provider. I did EVERYTHING but stopped doing (many) hobbies & passions. I put my life on hold for ex really... And I was with him for 3yrs. We ALMOST got married, were planning a 2nd child, and we were in the process of buying a house (mostly off my income... I make more). All he ever did was drink, smoke, and play videogames all day.
@ImpudentIncognito So anyways... nowadays? With the little one, I do hobbies TOGETHER with him, so I still have that part of myself. We draw, read, exercise, and play our guitars together as well as "park-hop"(just going to different parks and enjoying the nature, while he checks out the playgrounds). It's fun!Also ... DON'T feel bad if you need time alone!!See if you can get a babysitter for son while you go out every once in awhile and do YOU! Maybe friends or family could watch him.Furthermore...this may be bittersweet but...if you plan on separating from ex... You guys can figure out how visitations will look like, so days your child is with her, you'll have some free time to yourself. When you have child, you guys can plan some fun activities for both of you to do.
Welp, I wish you the best of luck, Penguin!It's difficult at first, but step by step, it'll get better!
D
