Emotional support

I apologize for the long post. I really need to vent and I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I just need some support and a lot of help on how to overcome this.

I, myself, am a huge over-thinker and I tend to have really bad anxiety episodes; mainly when it comes to social situations. 

I remember earlier this year I was in a relationship with a girl. It was my only relationship ever and I was genuinely in love. There were many red flags I didn't see, but that's not important right now. 

We met in a UC Berkeley applicant group chat and we joined the same friend group. From that point on, we started talking and quickly dove into a relationship. About three weeks in (right around the time she said, "I love you"), my anxiety took control of me. I remember one night where I was in tears, fearing I wasn't good enough or would be taken for granted. I was afraid to tell her because I thought she would get mad at me. Eventually, I did, and she "reassured me" by saying all the right things. Of course, I bought it. Eventually, another couple of weeks go by, and she starts acting off. And because I'm an overthinker, I could sense the slightest deviation in her texts/responses, etc. My anxiety began taking control again, but I was able to suppress it better than the last time.

Eventually, the day was Friday, and I, along with other kids in my college classes, got called into the counselor's office, and we were informed that one of my classmates had died in a tragic accident. Although I never knew him personally, the news struck a chord within me, and from that point on, I realized how short life is and how it can be gone within an instant. Again, this started my overthinking once more, and I felt like I had to call my girlfriend at the time just to tell her how much I loved and appreciated her. After that, we hung up, and half an hour later, she wants to break up with me to "work on herself." It tore me apart. Although we did get back together the next day, I found out on Valentine's Day that she had been cheating on me with another guy in our friend group. Not only was I taken for granted, but my overthinking also ended up being right. To this day, news about my former classmate still, for lack of a better term, haunts me because I realized that in an instant, one's life can turn upside down. 

It's been seven months now, but recently (about a month ago), I started having weird dreams where my ex popped up. Every interaction we've had within the dream always started with me confronting her and trying to get closure (which I never got, obviously). 

There is one question that I would always ask: "Why did it have to be him?" The first dream I had, she said something along the lines of "he was better looking," and in the second dream, I got no response and woke up. I don't know why this keeps happening. It's like when I wake up from those dreams, I'm reliving the pain I felt all those months ago. Just a little while ago, before writing this, I stupidly decided to look at my blocked list on ***, and I see her. Then all those painful feelings and memories came back, and they completely clouded my mind. Everything going from what she did to the absolute downgrade of a dude she cheated on me with keeps popping up in my head, and it's like I'm reliving the pain all over again. Now I can't sleep. I thought I was over it a long time ago. It's like she's invading my life/living in my head rent-free, and it's not fair. Frankly, it makes me feel like complete *** knowing how badly she screwed me over. I wish I could just completely forget that awful part of my life.

It’s like I can’t get the pain out of my mind sometimes, especially when I’m alone. The entire situation was the most dehumanizing and mentally painful moment of my life. I genuinely felt like I was better off never waking up again than dealing with the pain I felt. Ever since she started popping up in my dreams again occasionally, it has brought me back to those very moments where I felt worthless and didn’t think life was worth living. Don’t get me wrong, I’m over it, but I’m not over it. 

I just want it to stop. I want her gone out of my mind and I want him gone out of my mind. I want them both to never cross my mind again. I just want peace. One of my good friends tells me to just “forgive and forget” but I can’t. I genuinely cannot bring myself to internally reconcile with someone who shamelessly hung me out to dry like I was worth nothing.

I’m sorry again for the long read.