Heavy Heart on a Rollercoaster
Like waves my grief threatens to drown me almost daily but at times it rolls in like a tsunami and completely destroys me. 4 years my daddy has been gone for 4 years but at times it feels like 4 min. Depression has always been a struggle for me, has always been this deep dark rollercoaster that I can seem to exit. There are times on my rollercoaster that I am soring high through the sky passing time and looking like I am having the time of my life, and then starts the decent, the decent into the dark abyss. It twist and turns and goes deeper and deeper to the point there is no light. I feel the weight of the air thick and heavy on my chest, my mind feeling scattered and blank all at the same time. When I am in the dark I see nothing I have nothing to focus on I only feel the crushing weight of the emptiness, aloneness. I know there are others on this rollercoaster I know I am not alone but yet I desire to be alone up in the front waiting for the assent into the light but never allowing myself to feel to hopeful because I know what goes up must come down. This rollercoaster has been my life for 25 years this manic depression has been spinning me around and *** me down for more than half of my life. There are times that I think one day I will make it off of this ride and all will be ok, but most of the time I wish that it would just break and send me flying down into darkness only to find the eternal darkness. To no longer suffer mentally, physically and emotionally.
@voodoostrucken you described my struggle with depression perfectly, and like you mentioned - I know how it mostly doesn't help knowing others are struggling as well.
I'm sorry if this is unsolicited advice, but what helps me is focusing on myself, dealing with myself selfishly - literally making myself be selfish and not think about others (of course, in the boundaries of respecting everyone's human rights) - and learning about passive su***de ideation. I even think this post helps, especially in putting your feelings/situation in a perspective.
Thank you. I do struggle alot with the put myself first thing. I have 3 kids so I feel that natural pressure to always make them my priority which is very draining. I have been struggling for a long time to find something that makes me happy, with the vicious cycle that is depression I know I need to go out do things but I cant get the motivation to do anything or even find the desire to be around people, it's exhausting to constantly put on this face like everything is ok when inside I feel like I am shriveling up and dying. My partner is also not very supportive in the sense he doesn't belive that depression doesn't have to be situational it can come from a chemical imbalance. I get told anytime I try to even express my feelings that I have zero reason to be depressed I had a perfect childhood and a great life now. And the childhood part is true, I would not say my life is great now. And I know that I should probably leave my partner in the pursuit of happiness but that's always easier said than done which alot of people don't get when I try to open up and they give me their advice. But truly thank you for what you said I hope that one day I can find that level of finding myself and start to love myself!
@voodoostrucken Thank you for opening up here, I hope that gives you at least a little bit of comfort, validation of your situation and proof that you're not alone!
In my opinion - again, I apologize for unsolicited advice - being in a role of a best mother than you can be is also putting yourself first if that's your goal/aspiration. If you want to be a best mother than you can be and prioritizing your children, you're in a way also prioritizing a big part of yourself which is proof that you're not a bad or unworthy person. On the other hand, giving yourself as much as time as you need to get better and respecting your mental health boundaries is an example you're setting for your children as well.
About your partner - maybe going to counseling before leaving, if that's his/theirs only "negative". But if you're already decided on leaving that situation, I am also all for it! But first take care of yourself (then your children, of course).
Take your time. Even if your depression is telling you otherwise, it will get better.
Thank you for sharing this! You've described beautifully what I've been unable to put into words!