Need Advice

Recently I figured out why I have felt so disconnected from myself. I realized it was because I was so ashamed of being interested in sex. When I was a kid whenever someone would mention anything about romance or watch romance movies with kissing in it, I would say eww and do my best to block it out. 

Now I have accepted that romance is a natural thing and it is okay to like it. Right now I am dating my childhood friend that I have known and went to school together with since kindergarten. He has always been a kind person and he is so sweet and loves me the way I am. We have kissed a few times, and we even had sex and now I am pregnant. He was very kind and gentle with me when we did it and I trust him because we have been best friends for so long, are parents are even friends. It felt nice but after people in our neighborhood found out I was pregnant, they started giving me weird looks and I even heard one say “there is no way those 2 are going to last, she was probably just *** and forced him to it”. A lot of people in the neighborhood have lived there for a long time and have know me and my boyfriend since we were kids. My boyfriend is popular with everyone because he is always so sweet in general. Lately many of my neighbors have been gossiping behind my back about me because we did it and my self esteem has plummeted.

 I have started feeling ashamed of liking the feeling of sex. I noticed that I have started acting distant around my boyfriend. He asked me if I was okay and said he is worried about, but I lied and said I fine. I feel bad that I am now having a hard time being myself around him anymore. Not because I don’t trust him but because I don’t trust myself anymore. 

I am trying to accept it is normal to like sex because it is a natural part of life. I have been trying to masterbate so I can accept myself more. When I do it I start feeling ashamed and all sorts of mean thoughts pop up in my head. I keep going anyway, but when it starts feeling nice for me, all of a sudden the pleasure goes away and the strength in my legs literally disappears(in a bad way). I end up feeling so ashamed for masterbating and start getting really stressed. I am having a hard time being myself around my friends and him and even my friends have been noticing and are worried. I want to be able to myself again, but I just can’t seem to get rid of the thoughts that sex is a bad thing that have been hammered into my mind by so many people. I don’t know what to do, my head has been hurting from all this stress.