New Here
Hello everyone. I am new here well been here for almost 2 weeks. I'm going through a tough time specifically a breakup. I was with my ex for 8 years and he broke it off, left me confused, I had a bad breakdown called a number talked to that person and recommended me this app. So here I am. At the moment I'm feeling super numb and drained. Word is he left me for someone else...better. I don't have a job and I don't know where I'm going but I did get into therapy and spending my time at the library and volunteering for a daycare. All I can say I live in a kind of small town so I'm scared to go out or listen to music or watch anything because everything reminds me of my ex, everything...8 years is a long time. Any advice or questions ?
@scarletCherry3980
Its sad that he left you , but do you believe that he really left you for someone better?
( it could also mean he found something in other girl which was better than you) for the time being keep topic of job aside cause he definately didnt leave you for money. Were you in long term relationship or did you lived together for sometime?
If there were any fights between you what was it about?
How was your 2 day schedule when you were with him?
Yes we were we have never broken up before not once. And yes we lived together for almost a year. And thats when we had arguments because it felt like too much pressure from family and it felt fast in a way. Let's just say I was doing "wife" things without actually being his wife. When he broke it off he said he doesn't love me and doesn't see a future with me or for himself. But I got the word that he is seeing someone or is with someone else. He said he wanted to help me and stay friends but I rejected him on everything like trying to give me hugs and kisses. Also a member of his family called me saying that he is angry and bitter because his family is asking for me and that he said I'm not going to be around anymore because he is going to take someone else. Also that he is in clouds right now over the person that he is seeing or is with. There's alot to this honestly but my head is just so tired. And I do admit I also did things wrong during the relationship but not anything that would jeopardize it such as cheating.
@Skansly
We did argue about something else but I feel a bit weird about sharing that information.
But I don't mind in chat.
@scarletCherry3980
Yes , i understand that , not everything can be talked openly here.
Could you describe a little what you mean by acting like wife?
And you forgot to mention a full day of your schedule when you were together?
Well honestly we come from religious backgrounds, traditional i guess and a culture where masculine pride is like so important because if you are a male and you cry you are automatically a "wimp". And the female should stay home taking care of the man's needs.
We weren't married or engaged but since we were together for years and we made it seem like we were going to get married soon since we were living together. (Idk if I'm making sense)
But anyways yeah the "wife things" I would do is like cook, clean, wash his clothes, fold his clothes, iron them, prepare his lunch and his clothes for work etc
So for the time I wasn't working (Mondays - Fridays) a day would look like me getting up early, going to the gym, come back make breakfast, wake him up, he would get ready and watch TV and we would eat together then it would be time for him to go to work, I would call him when he arrived at work to let him know that I love him and to have a good day or he would tell me the same and let me know what I should do like buy groceries or take our cars to get check or just whatever that needed to be done for the day. So I would do all that then I would pick up around the apartment and start working on my paintings and take care of my grandparents and do whatever my mom wanted me to do that day too. Then on his lunch break he would text me about whatever is happening at his job or what I should get to eat for when he comes home, so yeah I would do that , then I would come back and shower then he would call me while he while leaving work coming home then would eat and watch TV and the shower, be on his phone then go to sleep and we would sleep late because he would get out of work late.
(I now realize how much I was losing myself)
@scarletCherry3980
Well , according to what you described it seems to have been going good at both your ends .
Was there intimacy between you ? (Just yes/no will work)
Since it was 8 years long , didnt one of you try to convert it in something like marriage?
Intimacy yes
Well yes we had plans and everything and when I was working I saved all my money to get a rv and he would help me save my money too. I was given the impression that we were going to fix it and move in and get married this year. But he totally destroyed the rv because he didn't like it and just wanted it his own way. And now that we aren't together he said he is going to try to pay me back. I did tell him I know we had SOME problems but I didn't think those problems would lead to us breaking up. He didn't say anything he just looked down and ignored.
@scarletCherry3980
What kind of problems were you talking about in the last message?
And what do you wish to do now since he took a large chunk of your life?
@scarletCherry3980
Starting therapy, spending time at the library & volunteering are good first steps. Good work! Focusing on yourself and your strengths can help you get back on your feet.
Try not to view the relationship as a failure or reflection of your self worth. You did not lose 8 years. You gained 8 years of learning experience, which will be valuable when moving forward. And you are already moving forward so you're on the right track.
Your ex's motives and decisions are their own, and not your responsibility. It does not mean you were at fault, or their new partner is "better" than you. For whatever reason, it did not work out.
Living in a small town and having reminders everywhere is going to hurt for a while. But you can also try to form new memories with these things. Maybe you can enjoy them by yourself or with different friends, and eventually they will be associated with more positive feelings.
@integerUnderflow
Thank you and that's what I'm trying to keep in mind.
It's super hard because i know alot of people in this town and they know him too, they would compliment us, how they could feel love when they are around us and how good we looked together. All of that made me feel so proud and happy.
And I'm not ready to tell people that we aren't together anymore...and I'm not ready to see him especially with someone else.
@scarletCherry3980
scarletCherry :
I am extending an invitation to join me in the Sharing Circle chat room ! 😊
@scarletCherry3980
Hello
So sorry to hear this, I am also going through a break up, mine was 2 years and I feel depressed I can't even imagine how hard is yours. You said he left you for sb else? That is so painful, was your relationship not satisfying enough for him?. Try to keep busy Its hard but it helps, also hang out with your friends and family more often, if you can travel to somewhere to a different city/ town to visit a friend or family it would be helpful. Change of location even temporarily and short is good. Talk about it with your people . I think being expressive also helps.
Yes it is and I feel numb at the moment. And I guess it wasnt satisfying for him, I tried to do everything I could during our relationship. And yes that is what I'm trying to do it just sucks when you live in a small town and everyone knows everyone...
Hello I need a listener. How to find a good listener?
@sociablePear1359
Basically find listner by topic you are facing problem and their rating and reviews .
Sometimes in our relationships we don’t realize if its good pr bad until it breaks or comes to the edge of breaking. 8 years is so long and breaking up like that is the most painful thing that could happen at this point i have experienced it myself and I know what you mean. But right now you definitely feel like you lost ur 8 years of loving but slowly you will realize that it was never meant to work cuz you seem like a good person who just got with the wrong person because if he was by any means a good fit for you if would never end up like that and leaving you for someone “better” is actually a chance for you to get away from that person and find ur actual good fit. Im sorry for what you feel but trust me it will get so much better.
@Abdo731
Thank you. Alot of people knew us as one and it really hurts because I really feel like I don't have my other half...Even though he did me really wrong, that 8 year relationship was beautiful to me. He didn't have any grandparents so I shared mine, he doesn't have a close relationship with his cousins so I shared mine, he didn't have a loving mother so I shared mine, same thing with my uncles and aunts. Everyone I've told are in total disbelief. I don't know why I still care and love him and I hate that I do because I feel like why can't I get it through my head that he did something that hurt me. But again thank you for your words.
You loved him for all this time you can’t just unlove someone it will take time and slowly you will realize that he wasn’t a good person. You shared everything you have even everyone that’s something not anybody can do and that just proves how good person you are. I wish you get better and start to recover quickly and find someone who would appreciate what you do.
