Selfishness and Loneliness
I don't know if my selfishness has made me lonely, or if my loneliness has made me selfish. In my opinion everyone has some selfishness inside of them. I think a little selfishness is needed.
I am an only child, but I always wanted to do right and be liked by others. I was taught be thoughtful and generous. However people at school seemed to hate me. I have already written about how bullied I was growing up, and talked openly about my nervous breakdown.
When I was involved with Church for a short 3 year span. I took some kind of test to determine what my spiritual gift was. It said that I have the gift of helps. I always have a feeling inside me that I want to help people so that they will like me. But I've also been very sad about this because I don't have much skills.
It was a really mean experience. I was on one of the big Christian forums, and was trying to write about something that had to do with my loneliness and stuff. I had some people tell me that if I would just help someone else then that would make me feel better. Then I had some other people call me selfish because I wasn't spending enough time helping other people. Reading that stuff made me feel like I wasn't trying hard enough. Reading some of that stuff made me feel like slap in the face. Yet logically I know why I don't do much. I feel mentally sick. If I knew the answers to your problem, I would be more than happy to give you my advice. But why should I give anyone advice when I haven't been able to dig myself out of my own problems?
I know that I'm a guy and they say that men shouldn't cry. Or men shouldn't talk about their feelings. Not long ago, someone told me that I sound like a female because men don't talk about their feelings like I do. My response to this is, 7Cups is a mental health site. Here we talk about our feelings. It is apart of how we get well.
I've always been an outcast. And probably for that reason, I don't fit into the society idea of what is normal for a Male. I'm my own thing. I try to base my choices on what is right or wrong, not on what society says I should be.
@tryingtosurvive2024
Yes you have made several good points... everyone has a bit of selfish in them. being an only child while it has advantages I feel the sibling experience also has emotional rewards as well.
Helping and doing nice things for others while can be rewarding............. if we do it with thought " i will be well liked etc" often IMO falls short. it has always become what have you done for me lately When we are looking for validation or friendship helping and doing for others is like small short highs and some feel you are not doing enough if it is not long lasting rewarding feeling.
It is also a false that men can not talk about their feelings in fact i think many would benefit from it and you should never even give a thought to others who say things like "men do not talk feelings etc."
Sometimes we are an outkast as we see things differently and do not conform nor want to pretend to conform to how others think. That can be a super power and if you can give small doses others may begin to see things differently too
@toughTiger6481 I agree with you. I think everyone deserves to be loved for who they are as a person, not just for what they can do. This is something that bothers me about friendships. Friendships are built on common interests. Usually around things you can do and they can do too. But what happens when your abilities fade. Do those friends stay with you or leave you?
@tryingtosurvive2024
friendships can end for many reasons .... we work with someone and one leaves a job we say things like we will get together sometimes we do but sooner or later it fades...... golf buddies or any hobby / sport once someone moves on ......sure we can say hi if running across them in public but can we still call them friends?
i think too many have watched buddy movies and such. make the most of friendships when they are there as they can close at any time.
@toughTiger6481 I agree with that, and I try to keep my friendships at work going. But the fact is after a while they don't want to help me keep the friendship going. Which makes me wonder, what is wrong with me.
@tryingtosurvive2024
I used to try to keep things going made all the plans etc.
Then I realized I valued my time.
Now even if I want to be friends forever I realize friendship is a 2 way thing and if it becomes my job to hold up everything cherish friend even IF short term. .............I read a saying that "everyone that comes into your life is either a lesson or a blessing" .... Learn something from everyone and do not take things for granted.
@toughTiger6481 I wish the people in my life would learn that lesson. But the sad thing is, I'm a Janitor for a School, I'm not a part of the teacher in group. And I don't have anywhere else to go that I could have friendships outside of work.
@tryingtosurvive2024 I think we do all need to have care for ourselves. I don't think that is selfishness, but survival. Plus, how can we give our best if we are not at our best? There is a balance to give and receive. There are ways to balance out what you give yourself and what you share with others. Selfishness would be if you chose a petty want over someone else's needs when you were capable of helping. Men should definitely cry and feel emotion. I actually prefer men to be emotional, romantical and tenderhearted like me. :D I, too, was bullied in school. Horribly and all of my years. It really held me back from reaching my full potential. Now that school is over and I am an adult, I do not care what anyone has to say about me lol. I want to live my life. It just took me some time to find a like-minded person that understood me. Turns out I was never alone after all. Bullies were just to hurt inside or too close minded to understand me or support people in general. And sorry that someone was so inconsiderate of your feelings, too. What is good for one person, is not always best for the next person. Even if you are struggling with an issue and don't have it all sorted out, that does not mean you don't offer great insight for the next person on their issues. You never know who out there is hoping and praying that someone just like you would just listen or hold there hand in their dark storm. We all have a story. We all have an experience. AND no one human has it just all figured out.
@PeacefullyFree Thank you for your comment, and it gave me something to think about. The reason why I talked briefly about being bullied, is because I wanted to make the point that for as long as I can remember people didn't like me. Even though I don't get bullied now, people are just not friendly to me. Even when I try to be friendly to them, it doesn't work. If someone starts a friendship with me, I will try to keep it going, but usually after a while they get tired of me, and push me away. It is all these frustrations, and years of them that puts me in the mood to write what I wrote. And from time to time I find myself writing the same basic thing over and over again. It is like my life is stuck in this loop. You can't make people like you. What don't they like? Probably something about my personality.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Sometimes people chose to make friends or partners with the people that aren't compatible personalities. A unique mind, requires another unique mind. Being that they are unique, it is hard to find that person. It took me years to find me a partner (aka my best friend) that understood and loved my personality. Maybe we have a rare personality type. :) Have you ever taken a personality test or quiz like Myers and Briggs to help better understand yourself and your personality. maybe you don't have a bad personality, but just that you don't have a full understanding of it. Plus, it's kind of fun to take and learn about yourself.
@PeacefullyFree No, but i was diagnosed with mixed personality disorder. You say a long time? How long was long? For me it has been over 22 years of trying.
After getting out of bed, and checking my emails, I began to feel a little low again. Someone that I have been hoping to hear from, hasn't emailed me back. I'm sure they are busy. But busy is the usual excuse for this. As I was reading a post on here, I began to feel more selfish again. I began to wonder if maybe I'm a toxic person.
I need more insight on this if you don’t mind especially the part where you said “ wanting to do more or give more in order to be liked “ this is soo me 🥹🥹🥹
@kindTriangle8244 I don't think getting insight from me would be helpful to you. I long to be liked by fellow Christian's so that life can keep moving in a good direction.
@tryingtosurvive2024 First I wanna say that you are not wrong to express your feeling.Men and women have feeling.Everyone deserve to share or connect to their feeling."Men shouldn't cry or express their emotions" is just people's pov.You don't have to care about that as long as you know yourself what you are doing.For me as a woman I never think like that.In contrast, men that are able to show their feeling are strong and brave.And for the thing that people call you selfish,dont let it question your worth.Its not our job to do everything for them.Do everything for yourself first then help other people,so you know what you are doing and no one can make you feel worthless.Let people like you or hate you, life just goes like that. as long as you have done nothing wrong to others, just do what you see yourself better with that.im trying to say that you should love yourself more.YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
@VECHNY Thank you. The place I get called selfish is on the internet. I can't remember the last time I've been called selfish in real life. I got called selfish online because I wasn't engaging in other people's posts. There is two reasons for this. 1) I'm not that great at reading and understanding other people. 2) I don't have much to offer other people. I got a lot of issues that I need to get sorted out. I'm not someone that wants to give people simple 1,2,3, answers to complicated problems. Everyone should know, that things are easier said than done.
I think it's great and healthy for men to talk about their feelings and thoughts. I think alot of relationships would benefit from more communication. You keep doing it, no matter who say what.
@reservedStrings6713 I think there is multiple reasons why some men don't talk about their feelings that much. 1) Is culture. Society tells men that they shouldn't talk about their feelings. 2) How our brains are wired. Those that do brain scans, say that Men primarily use the left side of their brains. That causes a large number of Men to process the world in a logical way. I think it also causes some Women to feel that Men can't be emotionally hurt in the same way as She can. But the reality is a Man also has a Right side to his brain too. Which means all the emotions are there but they are not processed in the same way. A Woman's brain has more connections between Left and Right. That creates more of a mix between the two sides. Anyways that is what I read.
I think when a person is feeling enough pain, they will talk about the pain.
