Venting

Hey,

I am sorry if that is the wrong Thread for that but I just posted one Thread before a month ago and it is honestly still hard for me to even post something here. If I ever find the courage to write another post please let me know if there is a better thread for just venting. (Asking for help or talking to someone in general is not really in my comfort zone but writing stuff out sometimes help)

I just need to get that off my heart and since I don't have friends, can't talk to family and everyone else in my life won't listen to me, I just try it here, maybe someone actually reads the stupid things I am writing.

In today's venting session, I want to talk about love, what it means for me, and how it constantly runs away from me. For record reasons, I am super shy and anxious when it comes to interacting with people. Sometimes it can get hard to ask for the simplest things. Besides, my grand overthinking skills are not useful in such situations at all. So now have fun with storytime.

I had my first date about two years ago and I just got that date because she was asking me. I was really happy and of course nervous as *** but I thought that this date was quite good, we had fun and as I asked her if she wanted another date she said yes. Even though that date took me a ton of overcoming and I needed to charge my social battery for a week straight, after that, I was actually happy. (That does not happen often) 

After that date, I occasionally asked her if she had time for another one and after she rescheduled the time and day for our planned second date three times I asked her if she even wanted another one. "Yes I am just a little stressed" was the answer and I tried to continue planning on a second one. After about one month of her telling me that she did not have time but still wanted another date I accidentally saw her with a guy without a shirt cuddling with her at a party (Was looking at her snap, I am too anxious to go to parties lol) Cuddling was our thing, even though it was our first date she told me that she loves cuddling and wanted to try it with me since I was too scared to say no and secretly love cuddling a lot too, we cuddled a few minutes and I honestly loved it. But seeing that picture, I got confused and thought that it was probably just a random friend and they drunk too much. I still took everything together and asked. "Oh, he is my boyfriend, but it is your fault if you don't look at all my posts"

Well, that was my first rejection ever, and to be honest, at that point, I never wanted to get out of bed again and never ever go on a date again. After crying and trying to recover for about one month straight, I felt like hurting myself again and asked why she did something like that to me which gave me the answer "You are way too shy and inexperienced I wanted someone better". It took me another week of crying in bed but I now had something I could try to improve, which slightly gave me hope, even for just a little bit.

Fast forward to around today. Now there are two years over since I had my first date and I still get rejections because I am too shy and anxious. I mean yeah I guess the positive thing is that it is at least a little bit easier for me to say hello to strangers and try to ask them stuff. Still, it is frustrating to try to work on something and still get no visible improvement for outstanding people. I had more dates since then but got rejected every time, and every time it takes me a lot of energy to get to the date and ask and have a conversation. I guess it should feel good that I do have dates and not just give up but with every rejection I get, every time I hear that someone doesn't like me, I lose a little bit of hope in ever finding someone.

I just wish I could have a relationship to gain more trust in people, to have someone I can rely on, Someone who is there for me and cares for me, I wish I could have someone in my life I can show how much love there is in me, how much I want to give and how much I truly want to care for someone too.

Well, if you read that far, thank you very much, I really appreciate it. I am happily hugging suggestions welcome. (Especially because I still feel like that is not the right thread and I hate to  do something wrong, I truly don't want to annoy anyone, I am sorry)

I hope you have a nice day! You are a wonderful person!