chapter 1 of my book
1
I’m Just A Human
Once you get to a certain point in your life, they put you on a pedestal, and expect you to be perfect because all you ever wanted to be was liked by everyone.
I’m at that point in my life and I’ve been at it for a year now. Working my *** off to prove to people I have what it takes. Once they saw my capabilities, they dragged me down for each flaw, even if it was good enough to pass. I wonder if they knew what goes on in my head and if they would treat me differently. After all, I am a human being. I have feelings and they will change depending on the treatment.
"That's garbage."
"You shouldn't be eating that."
"You need to eat more."
"How come you never eat around us”
“Did you eat yet”
These are things I hear almost every day. All I ever wanted was to live effortlessly.
"Did you want me to take you to have them put a tube down your throat?”
Maybe if you paid attention to me you’d see that I’m slowly losing myself, but probably not because I’ve grown to hide my feelings and pain because it brings out more of my flaws for you to degrade me.
I was never born to be perfect, nor do I believe anyone in this *** hole is. Why as a society do we break down human emotions until they can no longer hold themselves? Everyone has potential in life, as long as they believe in themselves. However, people around me have broken me down so much to the point I’m the only one left cheering me on. I never wanted to get to the point I’d need to write a book-like thing just to express to absolutely no one how I felt.
“It was rude of you not to show up today” I’m sorry. I couldn’t go out, the thought of being watched, or getting talked about because of the way I looked, or the fact that I might’ve not lived up to their standards worried me, so I couldn’t go. I want so badly to scream at the world and ask why me, why am I the one living in this body? Why am I the way I am? Why was I born to feel so much all at one time, and no one to show me how to deal with it all? And who was going to tell me that even though I “have people to talk to” that I’d have no one to talk to?
I can get all the help in the world to fix how much everything affects me, but it won’t change how they hurt me. It won’t change what happened those nights when all I wanted to do was scream when I was shaking so badly being pulled left to right. It won’t change that. It won’t change how I feel, it will only change the way I view things for the rest of my life.
This all started in middle school. The first time they pointed out my eating so much, the first time I ever thought of being overly obsessed with the weight gain, or the weight loss. Even how much I was eating was a problem.
Little did I know the food, the mirror, and my weight wasn’t the only thing that was going to hold me back from succeeding.
This was only the start of it all. This is my story.
@paytonnnss
Emphasis on: “Everyone has potential in life, as long as they believe in themselves”
I think channeling everything through writing a book is a great way to express yourself and just let it all out. It’s a great start!💜
@paytonnnss Thank you so very much for sharing. I really enjoyed reading the first chapter. I am so very sorry, that people do not understand, what it is like to struggle. We all struggle, with something. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are humans. As humans, we are bound to struggle, with something in our lifetime. For me I struggle with a learning disability and also struggle with some depression. I had depression, when I was a teen. I got help with my depression. I learned coping skills. One of the coping skills I learned, was communication. You see, I used to keep things that were bothering me, I kept them inside. Till, one day I got really sick. I learned, that it is not good to keep things inside too long. Now as an adult I support and help others, here at 7cups. I will always have depression, but it is a lot better, then it was when I was a teen. Yes, helping and supporting others, is a great coping skill for me. I am better now. But every once in a while, the depression kicks in, but I fight back and do not let it affect me or let it defeat me. As for my learning disability, some days it is ok and other days, it is not good, but that is what having a disability is like. Someday's are better then other days. It is also true, for everyone, not just those with a disability or a mental health condition. I cannot wait to read more chapters of your book. I hope you, will continue posting them, in the forum here at 7cups.