Being forced to live.
I'm forced to stay alive because I know my death would be too painful for my parents. The worse part is it's making me resent them. So not only am I stuck living in this world, but I'm becoming angry at the people who are inadvertently keeping me alive. This is as good a Hell as any other.
I dont know the real reason but what is it that motiivates you to end your life?..
I dont want to sound inappropriate or rude.
But thats true that at times you feel like forced to stay alive for people around you. But life do has beautiful things, people and memories. Cherishing them might make you feel better.
@crimsonSea5594
It's a fair point, not rude at all.
It's just hard to continue wanting to live when nothing has worked and all your efforts have been failures. When you didn't have someone to point out early in life that "hey, all that positive stuff you're doing is pointless because you have a mental health issue that's going to crush all of it". It's hard to live when you can't connect with those beautiful things, people and memories, either because they never happened or if they did happen I was unable to engage with them due to whatever is wrong with me.
Even having a mental breakdown and doing "the work" clarifying for myself what my Issue(s) are, making changes now is pointless because the mental breakdown apparently destroyed my brain (or exacerbated whatever was already wrong).
I dont know how to express myself upon this because you really are going through a lot.
But i just feel like if you can express yourself yo someone it might help alot.
If you feel like then, I would love to listen❤️
@crimsonSea5594
Thanks, I appreciate the offer, but I have done all that. Doctors, psychiatrist, group therapy, individual therapy, friends, forums. Its helped a bit, but at the end of the day nothing changes. Every cell in my body is 100% convinced that nothing I do will make things better. Even if conceptually or logically I understand what could be beneficial, I can't convince my entire being haha.
❤️❤️
@asdoza I can relate to this. I have totally had enough, the and I emotional pain is worse and I go around in circles. Almost all of the billions of people on Earth wouldn't care if I was not here, but there is one who would and I don't know how to leave without hurting them. So I am crying all day every day so that I don't hurt them. They don't deserve that.
please just show me a way out of this life.
@asdoza
Okay this is a gift: life is an illusion, and you are not obliged to act the way anyone tells you. Are you constrained by restrictions of expectation? If so, than be free of what people tell you to be.
You can rise above so much in this world, and your feelings are YOUR OWN TO OWN!!!
@10of10
Thanks for this. I've been dealing with self-despise for many years now, and since things kept getting worse and learning I have a personality disorder which I know not how to fix and why bother, there's no way anyhow and I have been existing in a wrong manner for too long.
My point being that I seem incapable of getting better and I wish not to exist like this. But it's true that what hurts me most is this expectations people have about me that I cannot reach and then I feel inadequate, incompetent, unnacceptable... but if I get rid of this then maybe I am okay, and yes, maybe I will never understand other people and I am destined to be alone, but maybe there's something good out there, something I can contribute - even if it's not enough@littleBunny2375
What is better by your standard? I certainly hope it isn't the standard that others have set for you, because this has obviously contributed to a decline in your mental wellness. You still are on a great path towards healing, because you're on this website regardless of what people in your life would say.
Your disorder is real and causes you genuine issues; this must always be respected!!! If those in your life cannot comprehend when you approach them with your concerns than THEY are the ones in need of psychiatric need, but if you can say to them what you just told the internet then you have a good chance of moving forward.
Those who love you must understand you, so I hope they are capable of doing so with little provocation.
@asdoza Dearest one;
I ask you 3 questions:
#1. Are you old enough to live independently from your parents?
#2. Is concern for their wellbeing causing you distress?
#3. Do you suffer from a psychological condition that would prevent you from verbally articulating your discomforts, or also from physically caring for yourself on a daily basis?
ALL of these questions are valid, and should be asked whenever someone with your suffering expresses it. If not, then please know that your pain is no less valid. Obviously you are hurting, but there is no resolution in death; it is the drunken version of living, because when the act is done you don't take accountability for your memories or actions.
@10of10
#1 yes
#2 yes
# I can care for myself, but I don't have the capacity to care for others, even though I want to
Funny, today's my bday. Thanks for commenting. Cheers.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling in this life. :(. I can relate to having times when I don’t want to endure life any longer, but not as a constant condition of my existence. You must be so exhausted. But, you mention that you have a mental health condition that doesn’t allow you to care for others. I’m assuming you mean empathy and connection? I feel like if you weren’t able to care for others, you wouldn’t be making the decision to stay alive as not to hurt your loved ones. Suffering for someone else’s happiness is the complete opposite of not being able to care. Sometimes I feel like when people seek help from mental health professionals, it makes things worse. Now I don’t mean for everyone, and this doesn’t pertain to ALL mental health professionals. But more on a general level, somewhat in line with western medicine type theories of treating the symptoms and not what actually is causing them. We’re given these labels and diagnoses telling us that we’ll never be normal, or never be able to experience a normal life without constant therapy and medication, or that there’s something wrong with our brains that can’t be connected. It’s Bullcrap! People don’t fully understand how the brain works even to this day so who are they to say that? Anyway, I feel like having professionals telling us this can cause us to believe it, and therefore it manifests. We no longer feel like there is hope that we’ll experience better feelings. You mentioned that you’ve been through all sorts of therapy. Have you ever tried alternative, holistic, spiritual, or energy type modalities?
@asdoza i appreciate you reaching out in a tough time for you. we are not trained or equipped to deal with crises though, while I understand you may not be asking for 'someone to keep you alive' as you say in the post, but the crisis policy asks us to refer you to hotlines. I hope you find the help you need.
Yeah nothing has changed despite my efforts. I can't leave this life because it would others, so I'm just stuck here.
@asdoza
Darling I totally understand you are going through a rough phase of your life I want to tell you don't live for others live for yourself. God/Universe has gifted you this life there might be a reason and purpose of it. Have you seen rose its beautiful has nice fragrance and god has given it thorns not to destroy it's beauty but to protect it. If thorn will feel bad about its existence and feel negative about itself it will feel worthless but actually it is warrior and is strong to protect the beautiful rose. Find Purpose of your life.
I am not promoting any religion or anything here. I want to suggest you since you have tried everything I hope trying this won't be of any harm.
Why don't you try reading BHAGAVAD GITA. Try it.
I am sorry if I hurted you or was rude in any way, if I was.
@impartialKite8112
Hi thanks for the thoughts, you're not being rude at all :).
I actually did read the Bhagavad Gita (english translation) a long time ago. I don't remember most of it. Maybe I'll find the energy to read it again sometime. Who knows.
@asdoza
I just pray that you will find a way of this pain and may god give you strength. If you need to talk I' m here always.❤️
I am deeply saddened that you are feeling so desperately low. I think that many of us can relate to the pain that you are going through. And when living such pain, words seem trivial and pointless.
I can reassure you that times change and your feelings will change. But that is over simplifying the situation. You are in pain now and at the limit of what you can tolerate.
There is no magic pill or miracle cure. Despite how much you want to exit....God, the Divine, fate, the universe...whomever you believe in, will not let you go until it is your designated time. That's because we cannot see or predict the future and who knows what awaits you there. You maybe the person who radically changes someone else's painful existance by loving them....the scenarios are limitless. And honestly, it's worth hanging around to enjoy the good when it comes. And it will come, of that i'm sure. You deserve the happiness that awaits you. You deserve to feel the strength and wisdom that comes from battling onwards. Your future is worth fighting for and please, just leave the door open a little and be curious about what good may come. xx
@sooty41
Thanks, appreciate the kind words. The door is open, again I have no choice but to leave it open. It's just frustrating that that's all there is. If you're unlucky and end up with situation X, or Y, or Z, the greatest spiritual wisdom or scientific deduction is, "just keep trying and waiting". The great lie my (and I'm sure others) generation was sold was a formula for happiness. But it didn't work for me. But now I'm not even allowed to be angry or upset about it. We're scolded by every guru and modern philosopher that resentment and anger and regret and revenge are wrong. That one should just keep trying despite understanding the lie.
@asdoza
You are right and there is no formula for happiness. But equally, you are right to ask questions and refuse to accept the norm....one size doesn't fit all of us. Honestly, be yourself, ask questions, throw out ideas....and i can guarantee that there are others who think the same and are tooo afraid to ask the questions. Be you....question, discuss and defend your position. Refuse to be pigeon holed.
How many of our great thinkers have gone against the masses and made their own path.
Be you and unashamedly you. Keep speaking your truth and you will find likeminded people. It takes courage to be unique, keep going and you will find the answers that you seek.
I understand your point to a certain extent. I feel completely insignificant regarding the space I occupy in this world, I went through a grueling and painful experience and came out the other side broken and damaged. My whole body has turned on itself and I feel as though for the first time in my life, something I thought could never happen has happened, my brain has been permanently affected by the trauma.
I don't know how to function anymore, I'm struggling to reintegrate into society after losing someone very special to me and I don't even have the strength to fake it.
Only reason I haven't gone through with my thoughts of suicide is because I'm cowardly and the pain of death or surviving the ordeal causing myself permanent injury scares me. Otherwise, I feel as though the loss of this person has defined me and treatment I endured during my time with them has shattered my will to live and interest in everything else.
@asdoza
Hello 👋, I see your struggling and I hear things aren't going well :( I don't know what your going through but it sounds like things are really tough and I understand your feelings. Sometimes things can be really overwhelming and life becomes really tough. 🥺 I know it's hard to believe but you are here for a reason. And you are showing so much strength to keep fighting and still standing . We are really really proud of you. 💕🤗 I understand your feelings about your parents and your life, but it just goes to show how caring and understanding you are towards your parents 🥺 always here if you wanna talk on forums. Wishing you well! 😊
