in my experience conflict usually happens when one person (usually me) believes they know more than they do and approach the conversation like they know things they don't. my solution? stop acting like a know it all and before i confront someone who does this i take a break from the situation so they'll hear what i'm saying rather than just hearing me accosting them when i'mpassionate and annoyed.
Dealing With Conflict
The best way that I've found to deal with conflict is encapsulated in the acronym L.O.V.E.
1) Lead with a Listening Ear
In difficult situations, knowledge is still power. Knowledge is the facts concerning the situation, everyone's opinion and most importantly, everyone's emotions. Take a moment to just listen. And try to listen to the motivations behind the emotions the participants are expressing and the driving need that makes them do what they do.
Ask yourself:
- If I were this person, why would I say the things that he/she just said? What would I be feeling? And why?
- What does this person want out of this situation? Ideally, how would I make them feel?
- Why do I feel what I feel? What would I want to feel, ideally?
Most people are deeply looking to be acknowledged. And you take that first step by listening actively to their concerns. Many people are looking to feel respected. Many want to feel seen.
Most conflicts boil down to - "I feel unimportant to you." but many of us don't have that level of vulnerability to express that verbatum so it comes out in spouts of irritation and anger.
2) Open your Body Language
If you're listening, but don't look like you're listening, then you're still in square one. Make sure your body language is open:
- keep your torso facing the other person
- keep your arms uncrossed and away from your center
- imagine you are being defenseless to them
- make eye contact
- make sure your face isn't scowling or irritated, try to relax
- nod every once in a while to indicate understanding
This does two awesome things. First, it'll make you feel more open and receptive. Second, it'll make the person who you're having a conflict with feel less defensive and more relaxed. We mirror (copy) the bodies around us. So when you look and start to feel relaxed and less tense, he/she will also do the same. It's like mind-judo-bodymagic!
3) Vulnerability wins All
This might be the most difficult step because it requires you to look within yourself and bring out honesty and authenticity. Be vulnerable first and foremost with yourself.
Why am I feeling this way? What is actually the core issue bothering me? Did the person make me feel unimportant? Did I inadvertently make them feel unimportant?
Then try to communicate your feelings. They aren't the end of the world. They are fleeting. Use "I feel.." not "You made me feel..". Take responsibility for your emotions and realize that they might not be logical. And that is ok!
4) Engage
Finally, engage the person in conversation. Make sure you clearly heard and understood their concerns and have an idea of the driving need behind their irritation.
Make sure you've communicated your feelings and the transgressions you feel were taken against you without putting blame on anyone. Take full responsibility for your emotions.
And finally reach a solution. This is easiest when you have an idea of the underlying feelings and driving needs that coat the issue.
Make your days forever be conflict-free!
