teen fitting in

My daddy always tells me “...whos daddys pretty little girl” i never thought i was that pretty. Mom never told me i was pretty, i was always either too big or too tall….too fat or too thin….they tell me that i should work on myself but when i try they always say “...why try too hard” why do i try so hard?...hurtful words twist in the winds of my mind like a storm that i cant shake. I dont think i would ever be able to shake it….the kids at school tell me to wear makeup…when i wear makeup i do it wrong….when i learn how to do it right its always “...you wear too much….you look like a cake” well maybe i shouldnt wear it….or should i? They tell me to wear clothes that fit me, but then i look like a pig…i look pudgy…i look boxy….but when i wear baggy clothes i look homeless, or im drowning in the endless fabric that squeezes my ribs every panic attack i have, at the yelling and screaming, the endless snickering i get at school when will it stop…or maybe should i block them out? If i do that im dramatic so i become the everyday girl everybody is, clean hair and no acne, perfect hair and makeup, wearing crop tops and leggings with pretty shoes and girly perfume….maybe i should become a copy and paste? Just like everyone else. I dont think i want to be like everyone else….i want to wear baggy clothes that devour my small frame…i want to wear makeup but the makeup i wear is beautiful when its three days old eyeliner and masscara. I dont need to do my hair, its perfect just the way it is. The only perfume i need is the endless sin of my ciggerette smoke holding in my lips, i dont need no pretty shoes, my beat up converse’s are in my closet begging me to wear them telling me “ dont worry what people say” as i agree, i dont want to be the typical girl whos scared of bugs, if anything i am the bug crawling on the floor, im no typical girl who likes to stay clean and do nothing diry besides sin and sleep with her fith boyfriend this year. Im no typical girl i skateboard and i harm my pretty lungs with my endless sin…so again? Whos the pretty girl now?