Feeling out of place, but still trying
Hello everyone, my name is Sadie. I'm really grateful to have found this website. I'm trying to find communities that I can become a part of, as I'm facing so much isolation and stress the past few months.
TW: chronic health, fatal diagnoses with no cure, genetic testing
I recently dropped out of college for declining physical health. It's not the first time I dropped out, it's actually the fourth- but those previous times were psychiatric and I went to hospitalization programs. This time, I feel attacked by what feels like seizures, and the side effects of whatever is causing them. I went from a Dean's List Philosophy-English student to a four-fold failure.
I feel totally incompetent. It's ruining my self esteem and feeling of self-agency. I can barely drive, can't speak to a cashier without stuttering, twitching, and skipping or using wrong words. It makes me feel like a freak. I'm sorry for using that word, but it's how I feel. Moreover, my family believes I'm a freak for these symptoms, is cutting off all communication with me and will not help me as I go through the diagnostic process (such as drives to the hospital/dr). I grew up in a dysfunctional home-- so being discarded like this is not shocking, but still disappointing.
Huntington's Disease runs in my family, and is a large part of the family dysfunction. I didn't think I would get tested before middle age because I wanted a chance at my education, a career, and finding love before knowing my sealed fate. It doesn't look like that's happening for me.
Now with my health declining, I feel like getting tested for HD a necessary part of figuring out what's going on. It feels gross to feel pressured like this into genetic testing, when I know the only thing I will get is one answer, but no solutions. It's all just so hard. My life was already hard enough before the onset of so much pain in my brain and the seizure feelings.
Thank you for listening to my little introduction. Writing is my passion, is what I went to school for, and I don't want to lose that part of me if I can help it.
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue Hello Sadie,
@blindGrace277
Thank you for your sincerity and warm welcome. Becoming a part of this community has been a great starting point for me in honoring myself and my feelings in such a horribly difficult time.
Writing is, for now, my most reliable tool for navigating life. It’s also one of my favorite ways to share vulnerability. Thank you for seeing that within me. :) I look forward to sharing more of my writing with everyone here, especially poetry, and hopefully it can help others too.
I do have a team of healthcare professionals on-board and it's continuing to grow larger. Once I decide which Huntington’s Disease Center of Excellence I want to work with, it will grow even larger at that point as well. Nevertheless, I'm feeling very tossed around by doctors right now, but understandably so. I appreciate that my appointments aren't years away.
Your heartfelt response really illustrates the open and caring community that seems to thrive and flourish here. I’m hoping to become a larger part of the 7cups community over time as I settle into my new self, new routines, and new spaces. I really appreciate how you suggested to connect with others who understand the power of words.
Thank you so much for reminding me I’m not alone.
Question: Are there specific spaces on 7cups for sharing poetry or long-form writings? Or, is it okay to still post them in spaces based on their subject? Also, is there a specific place for finding and giving book recommendations? Thank you again.💙
Hello Sadie,
It must be very stressful to go through all this. I want you to know that all your feelings are valid. Sorry to know that your family is not supportive at this time. But know that what people do to others is more about them than us.
Thank you for expressing beautifully what you feel. Glad to have you here. We all care for you and know that you are not alone. Take care! ❤️
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlueHello Sadie,
I'm sorry to hear about your challenges and the impact on your well-being. It's important to connect with supportive communities or professionals who can offer guidance during difficult times. Seeking assistance from healthcare professionals for understanding your symptoms and going through the diagnostic process might be beneficial. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care. Feel free to share or ask anything you'd like. Take care.
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue hiii, I think you are being too harsh on yourself. As someone who too dropped out of uni due to health reasons (although not even close to as serious as yours) I can absolutely tell you, you are not a failure. It's amazing that you have some interests and vision where you want to go in life. But the thing is, your body has it's needs and you are pushing it hard, what just makes things worse. You have a strong desire to learn, but your body repeatedly protested against a traditional university life. That's ok. Nothing is lost. Take a deeeep breath. And think about your body. What does it need in terms of slack you can pick up? Then consider your options.
1. Maybe you can get a special study plan that is tailored to your special health needs? I think it should be totally manageable especially if you have a doctor's paper about your issues
2. Maybe you don't need an university at all and can instead take courses that are done at your own pace and often have a certificate in the end or focus on a short but intensive course in an area you want to learn about (as university is not at all granted to a successful future, quite opposite lately tbh)
3. Read and work on skills you want to polish on your own while you get your health in order and maybe when you will get your medical examination results and get some treatment, you will be able to return to uni. You can even ask someone from a specific uni and course they are taking about what they learnt about and their notes and learn it at your pace to get a head start when you return
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue I'm always here if you need somebody to listen to
No pain is wasted, your hard story has a meaning.
Ik that sometimes life gets overwhelming and relying on yourself is hard to do but don't give up on you.
One day things will get better.
just take the power and strength from the higher power to get through this.
All the best for your journey.
@TheSunIsUpTheSkyIsBlue I am really sorry you're struggling right now. Your not a failure, my friend. Not in my book. Your a winner to me. Your special, as well.
