Hello.

I am lav. I'm 25 mostly female identified.

And I am a mess. I've been in and out of therapy, but I struggle to stay consistent, in part due to a lot of trauma and a deep inherent distrust in therapy, as I have had two separate instances where therapists misinterpreted me on purpose, for their personal gain, or on behalf of someone else's, before I reached adulthood.

As an adult, I have been to see a therapist and had small successes before I had a major setback and have been out and away from any non friend related help. for about three years.

Officially, I am diagnosed with Bipolar Depression 1 and PTSD. But anxiety and depression are the issues plaguing me currently.

I am unsure what I hope to gain here. Maybe just having access to some coping resources and things.

I haven't been doing very well, and have become recently overwhelmed by all the things that I either neglect, or just shove off. I have made a terrible habit of not taking care of my physical health. I also have been avoiding anything that's even kind of difficult for me, up to and including making any kind of phone call, especially important ones.

Up til last year, I had been doing very well, even took a customer facing job again. I ended up hating it, remembering why I was so misanthropic, and quitting. Am currently in process to getting my old job back(after i have quit yet another job which is a story), which I hated, but not as much as I hate people, apparently. trying to find some semblance of stability.

I am finding that with every setback, I have less and less of a will to recover and continue. Lately, I have had strong feelings of just not being strong enough to do it anymore. Every time I have some major role back in progress, I come back with less hobbies, less energy, less structure. I just don't want to exist anymore. It's very taxing. I have few things left in my life that I am grateful for, or find joy in. I have no idea how to change the way I think, and I hate the way I have become.

-sorry in advanced,

Tiredandwired24/7