Hi there, everyone.

Tonight probably isn't a very good night to start out on, but I'll introduce myself anyways just to be polite.

I go by the handle "Jules", but you can all just refer to me as Anon for the time being since I prefer to keep my identity anonymous.

I joined this community because although I haven't been "officially" diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety or Panic Disorder, (I only ever received a diagnosis from an ER doctor during an emergency room visit in early 2020) I have suffered from a constant barrage of panic attacks and anxiety throughout the course of 2019 to present day. My panic attacks seem to come on slowly, like a rollercoaster going up to the top of a hill, and when they hit they can be fairly severe.

In fact, I still recall the night of my very first panic attack: I was at the movies with my girlfriend watching the debut of Joker, and I was getting excited for the Murray scene because it was my favorite scene into the movie when all of a sudden I felt a heart palpitation in my chest. In the same moment, I felt like my breath had been stolen from me, and I had a hard time breathing. I tried to wrestle the feeling of panic out, but I couldn't. I tugged on my girlfriend's arm and gave her a serious look to let her know something was wrong, and she walked me out of the theater to drink some water. I told her it felt like something was wrong, but I didn't wanna flake out on the movie because we were enjoying it, so I decided to stick it out until the end of the movie. At the very end, I couldn't take how bad my breathing felt anymore, so we both left and she called up my sister to take us home, where I took a muscle relaxing medicine to calm my nerves.

My family and my girlfriend believe that the source of the anxiety was a plane trip I took to Dallas in the June of 2019, when the pilot attempted to land the plane during a supercell formation over Dallas. We were coming down way too fast, and I could feel the violent way the pilot was trying to control the plane against the heavy winds and rain. The descent was like a roller coaster and it made my heart feel like it was going to slip out of my chest and fall on the floor. I was pretty scared and more than relieved when we diverted for Austin in order to wait out the storm, but I didn't feel the same way I did during my panic attacks.

Originally, my anxiety was heavily related to hypochondria and health anxiety, but it's evolved into a fear of being away from my home, especially if it's long-distance travel of any kind. I've found that I seem to feel more confident and better overall in the daytime, but at night my anxiety can more quickly escalate into panic attacks, probably because there's less security in my environment and less to distract myself with. I also still get hypochondria from time to time, but I've come to understand that my anxiety symptoms are a product of the anxiety itself so I don't deal with it anymore. Also yes, I can still go on planes, but takeoff does freak me out pretty bad because of the falling sensations.

Aside from the anxiety, lately I've felt absolutely fed up with my life because of the stress I experience at home, and failing to meet expectations I have for myself. I frequently have suicidal thoughts and ideations because the thought of being dead feels more relieving than having to continue on with the fact that I never ended up with the kind of life that I wanted growing up. It feels like complete and utter BS to be completely honest that everything ended up the way it has for me despite having been a childhood cancer victim and having grown up in poverty. I also feel like my family and friends don't care about me at all because of the lack of concern from them about any of my problems. I don't regard myself as being depressed, but I do admit that I've been experiencing these bouts of hopelessness and fatigue rather frequently lately. I'll save the rest of that for another post, though.

I decided to sign up for this place to see if anyone knows anything that might be able to help me through these troubling times, and maybe if I could use what I know about my own experiences to assist other people like me that might feel the same way. Despite how I've been feeling, it's nice to at least know that I'm not the only one experiencing anything like this.

With that said, it's nice to meet you all, and I hope you are all having a good day today. (Or a good night, if it's already that time of day for you.)