I apologize if this is too graphic
I recently visited friends in Europe (Italy France and the UK) as I hadnt left my apartment once since the begging of the pandemic - I became obsessed with my work as an artist and terrified of going outside. My husband couldnt join, and I was extremely anxious about traveling alone, but since my headspace finally seemed so good we agreed it was best for me to have a break.
since day 1 of the trip I was back to myself 15 years ago. I had been a serious addict between the ages of 18 and 24 - heroin, coke, cocaine - only recently I found out that not only was i bipolar but i had serious traumas from childhood that I was desperate to repress.
On the trip, any drug I could take I would, i didnt sleep or eat for 12 days and I canceled meeting friends to focus on my sexual compulsion (Im LGBT, BiPolarII). I injected for the first time in 13 years (crystal and heroin) and allowed men effectively to pimp me out.
i paid for male escorts from my husbands bank account - not caring that he would find out. I was convinced I was having the time of my life. Even waking up at a sex party where I must have been raped so hard that there were bruises all over my lower back I continued my binge, eventually having sex with a 70 yo man with no teeth.
im sorry if this is too graphic for the forum but I needed to write it all down before my memories become even fuzzier.
i missed 3 flights back. Eventually my husband saw his bank account and took action sending a friend to see me. Within hours of no drugs I was screaming at the flashbacks of what Id done and who I had been. All I know is that I wasnt my true self, someone happy and creative that I only managed to get to know in the last 6nmonths.
I had been massively on top of my bipolar and CPTSD before the trip and now I feel like 2 years of work has become redundant.
Has anyone experienced a time-limited relapse that they could quickly move on from? I can't bare the thought of any alternative.
@Bornfordrama
There will be setbacks. But you need to pick yourself up and get back on the path to recovery. A big factor will be your husband. Will he be supporive or leave you over this?
@Bornfordrama Hi there,
I'm exceptionally sorry to read your story and that this has happened to you.
I can totally relate. I'm 30 and have been struggling with Bi-Polar Disorder for 15 years, along with CTPSD, PTSD, OCD, etc, etc...
I had a past of drug abuse (attempting to self-medicate) mostly with marijuana (15 years of on-and-off extreme binge use) as well as cocaine, MDMA along with years of alcoholism.
I am currently celebrating 18 months of teetotal, clean sobriety.
But I had a similar meltdown (manic episode) that you describe. Mine happened just over 18 months ago. Like yourself, I took off, spent money I didn't have, took out a loan I couldn't afford, spent into an overdraft I would have difficulty repaying, went abroad and basically indulged, as you say, in former drug and sex addictions on some crazy 2 week rampage...
While it was brutal to go through that, and perhaps one of the biggest mistakes of my life, it's currently been one of the most vital lessons I needed.
Since then, for the past 18 months, it's been non-stop self-improvement in every avenue of my life. I returned to my lost faith, am free from drug and alcohol addiction, free of sex addiction, managed to pretty much sell what I owned to pay back the loan and overdraft, advanced in my dream job and dream career, worked on becoming free on food addiction (I'm 3 weeks into a 36 week programme, having lost 15 lbs so far with 70 lbs still to lose) and so much more.
Also, this manic episode, confirmed to me how severe my mental health issues were. I had had a total mental health breakdown when I was 25, and it turned out I had yet another one (this story) at 30.
I can honestly say in the last 10 months of finding this site, I have worked through 30 years of grief, heartbreak, pain, suffering, mental health issues (Bi-Polar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, Addiction, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, Severe Depression, etc) and am probably in the best position of my life.
I share all of this with you (and I haven't really gone into such detail before) simply because I feel like I can totally relate to what you went through (even though the details are different) and to give you hope that this can truly act as a wake-up call to totally turn your life around.
What might seem like the most devastating, utterly deplorable act can often, with time, healing, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, have the power to transform us in the most amazing ways.
I'm glad you are here at 7cups. I wish I had found this site 7 years ago!
But I wish you well on your healing journey. I admire you for being honest, telling your truth, being brave enough to share this story and having the courage to admit it to yourself and others.
I wish you well on your healing journey. Have faith. Find hope. Heal.
@Bornfordrama Oh, and yes, regarding the 'time-limited relapse' as you put it, I found myself reliving periods of my addictions experienced between 15-22 and 24-25 at the age of 30...
Never again! My experience was the final straw for me and I am totally committed to an entire life of sobriety, clean, teetotal, healthy living. Which is what I deserve.
Amazingly too, the mental health conditions I've struggled with all my life are becoming far more manageable and less overwhelming that ever before, due to the healing journey I've been on particularly these past 18 months.
It takes time.
@Bornfordrama P.S. Due to the Bi-Polar Disorder, I may never know 'true balance' but I am feeling far more balanced than ever before.
The key for me is identifying very early on the signs I know lead to my manic highs. (For me they tend to be lack of sleep, staying up to 3-4am on sleepless nights, sometimes even 6am when insomnia painfully kicks in, as well as a sudden urge to get obsessed about a particular subject, or read/create/get inspired/start new creative projects, etc.
There are other signs too.
I would thoroughly recommended reading two books by Kay Redfield Jamison, phD. She is perhaps the world's leading authority on Bi-Polar Disorder. She is a Psychiatrist who suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder herself, for a while without knowing it.
The books are 'An Unquiet Mind' (her memoir) which has helped me at 30 with this 2nd breakdown.
The first book that helped me at my aged 25 breakdown was 'Touched With Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament'
You mentioned being an artist, so that second one should definitely appeal to you. Both helped me see my own condition through another's life experience which was quite liberating and less isolating.
I too am an Artist. A Professional Writer. I believe Bi-Polar Disorder tortures many artists unfortunately.
Hope the books help you too. It may help seeing someone else's perspective too
