Me

Hi.

I’m Alaska.

I don’t know where to start.

I have a history of what feels like almost trauma.

I was sexually assaulted. But it was just a stuffed bear being thrust into my pelvic area so much that it hurt. By one of my friends at the time as a stupid hazing ritual.

My dad was loud. But he never hit me, was just loud. I still curl up in a ball when he walks by loudly.

He yells about that too.

My mom grew up in a third world country. She thinks gaslighting and manipulating and guilt tripping is how you raise a healthy child. I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s not.

I’ve moved out. Gotten used to being away from my parents. I think. But I don’t understand why everyone says I’ve been through so much. I’m autistic, suffering from BPD and C-PTSD. But I don’t feel real, or even like I was hurt that badly.

And I know it’s not okay to want to be hurt more, but I don’t understand why that’s all I want.