who am I ...

helle 7 cups community, i'm new here

i had depression for like two years by now and i've never gone to a therapist ... i've read a lot of psychology books and articles which helped me to adress my real problems ...

i used to be isolated and anti-social, i never felt close to anyone because of past painful experiences (essencially sexual harassement and bullying). i've grown playing the victim role seeing others as evil and because of that i never had a real relationship with others except my mother. so i felt like i owe the world something and convinced my self that all the suffering is the price of the perfect life i'm going to live in the future. so i became more distant and spend most of my time imagining how that life will be until i drowned in that imagination and became emotionally numb waiting for that life cause i felt that nothing is worthy to experience because the best is yet to come. i always felt that this life is waiting for me when i get to college. and when this happened i realized that nothing is going to happen.

i realized that i've grown empty with no personality and no identity cause i got busy to imagine that life instead of working to get it. i have an identity crisis i don't know who i am what do i want. i realized that i hated myself all this time and covered that hate with empty and imaginary promises. my bigesst problem is that i don't know how to rediscover and know myself, and how can i get to those old memories that made me hate myself so i can get over them and learn to love myself again. and especially how to overcome my emotional numbness cause now i'm not able to experience anything at all !

Please help !