TW: assault - Questioning if I experienced assault in my past long term relationship
Hi everyone, I've just recently broken up with my long term boyfriend of 10 years and I'm reevaluating some aspects of our relationship. One of the reasons we broke up was because of our differences in libidos. I don't want to be intimate often and currently I think I might be ace (in the gray zone, I do sometimes feel physical desire and like to engage in intimate connection), while he has a much higher drive. We were long distance, so we could only see each other for a couple of days a week or every two weeks. When we met he would immediately be on me and I wasn't happy about it, we talked it out and he then began waiting half an hour before trying to progress things. Problem is during those 30 minutes I could feel that he was not listening to anything I said and was only looking forward to doing it. It really hurt me because I felt like he was with me just for physical reasons.
During all these years I always said yes even if I wanted to say no because I knew that if I refused he would sulk all day and it would ruin the little time we had together. I didn't think about how it would ruin my view of our relationship and most of all the intimacy that we had. I couldn't enjoy our kisses and cuddles because I was always scared that they would develop into something more. I know that I'm lucky and I could have had a much worse experience, but thinking about it all always leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I really don't think that he was hurting me on purpose, and we broke up amicably, but I still feel so icky about it all. I don't know if I'm overreacting, since in the end I did say yes, though it was clear that I wasn't enjoying it. I just feel so bitter thinking about all of those times I felt miserable in the moment while he didn't really try to make me feel comfortable. I can't say that it was all bad, I still had a lot of great times with him, I'm just trying to reconcile with this part of our relationship.
@Aayla thank you so much for your answer
It's really tough because I lost someone who I thought understood me deeply and I miss that connection. Still, I've come to realize that if he truly respected me and my feelings he would have never tried to be with me sexually when I clearly wasn't up to it.
Thank you for your words, I feel a lot more validated. Something you said stood out to me: proper love and care. I certainly felt the love, but as you said, care was probably what was missing. I feel very scared and lonely right now, yet I feel so relieved because I don't have to feel the pressure of being available, mind and body, when it's required of me.
