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Gingie7268
573 M Embraced 4
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts66 Forum posts18 Forum upvotes32 Current upvotes32 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 8, 2021
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Beating myself up terribly today
Student Support / by Gingie7268
Last post
 April 1st, 2023
...See more Just feel the need to put this out in some place so that I’m not carrying it around alone without any support. So, I’m currently in grad school to work in mental health myself, and I’m currently in an internship. I just had to meet with a couple of higher-ups today to discuss certain areas I need to improve so that I can succeed. It’s to a point where they’re taking off a big chunk of my caseload, too. They were gentle with me the whole time. They told me that no one’s disappointed in me, that they see me being hard on myself and are making affirmations one of my goals, that they’re just making adjustments to nip things in the bud that could hurt my career if it doesn’t change, etc… so, logically, I know I’m in my head. But, I can’t help but feel humiliated. I’ve been crying this whole day, just firmly believing that I’m a failure, that this whole thing is embarrassing, that I’m letting my professors and my supervisor down. I can’t shake off this warped idea that my areas that need improvement are being shared to all these people because they want to put my failures on blast, or that I’m the only student out of my cohort who is struggling this badly to the point of even needing an intervention like this, Or that me not having completed certain tasks for weeks shows that I don’t care about this internship. And that’s just to name a few of the many, many negative thoughts that are going through my mind. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just give up, because this entire mental process is so debilitating. It even feels pathetic that I’m putting myself through this, when I was literally approached gently and with a ton of reassurance. Just wish I could snap my fingers and make the pain go away.
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Celebrating a win :)
Anxiety Support / by Gingie7268
Last post
 August 20th, 2022
...See more Good evening everyone. If anyone read my post about talking on the hpone and how scary it is, well, I put something at the bottom saying that I had an interview. I went through it earlier today, and I got it on the spot!!! The lady interviewing me said that I caught her at a great time and that she’s willing to make whatever accommodations I need in order to do the things I need to do. Granted, it’s unpaid, as the paid internships are super competitive, and I likely don’t have enough experience under my belt to qualify for something like that… BUT, an opportunity is an opportunity, this one’s going to help me move forward, I’m VERY happy with the description I heard from the interviewer, and I’m very excited to get my feet in the water and start practicing in the spring. I think I’ll be just fine with what I’ve gotten :D Just hoping I don’t burn out from juggling school, job, AND internship after my winter break. Fingers crossed. I’m so thrilled!! I can’t wait to work with my supervisor and see what all I can do during my time in practice. I really feel like I’m going to have a wonderful time!
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Talking to people on the phone is so scary
Anxiety Support / by Gingie7268
Last post
 August 12th, 2022
...See more Good afternoon everyone. I just got off the phone with my advisor to talk about this upcoming semester and the following semester, just to get that all squared away and sorted out. And I also talked to a potential supervisor over the phone to discuss an internship opportunity. Needless to say, it’s SUPER stressful. I can handle a phone conversation with people I know well, or with customer service, but when it comes to people of higher authority and in charge of me? Nerve-wracking. I couldn’t find my words nearly as well, and I felt like I was struggling with just clearly expressing my thoughts in words. I felt like a jumbled mess trying to organize what I wanted to say. Both of them were very understanding and helpful to me, and I could tell that they just focused on being on the same page as me and giving me a sense of direction. But once I got off the phone, there was this huge wave of self-deprecation washing over me. My mind instantly went to how the situation I’m in made me look irresponsible, how they probably have a more negative view of me after having talked to me because of what we needed to talk about, how they probably see me as awkward and lazy and disorganized, etc. I’ve struggled with self-esteem for what seems like my whole life, so I wouldn’t doubt that it ties in with this. I’ve recently been trying to work on improving it and my self-confidence so that I don’t feel this way, as well as my verbal communication skills so that I can find my words a little better. But it’s difficult, and it’s painful, and I’ve got a long way to go before I get there. I don’t really know what to do at this point, other than just keep going and hope something somewhere in me improves. I guess, if you have anything that’s helped you out with self-esteem/confidence, verbal communication, and trying to get rid of “mind reading” (assuming people’s judgments about you), that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading, and wish me luck - I have an interview with the internship person next week!
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Pretty new to this “healing” thing
Trauma Support / by Gingie7268
Last post
 September 5th, 2022
...See more Hey there. I don’t really know how to start this one out, so I’ll just say… hi. I’m new to this particular aspect of mental health. I know I’ve had issues with anxiety and depression before, and I’ve come across a lot of behaviors that I wanted to improve on, but I didn’t realize just how much of this was linked to my past, as well as all the trauma involved with it. IThis year has been rough for me, to say the least. I’ve gone through rejection involving one of the first people I’ve considered truly “safe.” I’ve moved out from a not-so-great situation, living alone, in a place where I am finally “safe.” And I’ve been looking back at my past lately, after having taken counseling courses in grad school, after having revisited my family over and over, after reconnecting with some people who looked out for me and took me under their wing in the past, and I’m finally starting to figure out just what it was that I’ve experienced. A lot of things have connected that I wasn’t expecting to connect, and I’ve currently been in this immense, painful grief in regards to my entire past. It’s like, I finally understand the rules to the game… just a little too late. And no one could find out how to teach me the rules - I had to figure it out myself. And I finally have most of it down! But I’ve lost so much that I can never get back, the main thing being my childhood. I never deserved to live through such a harsh past, one that I can barely even remember. I deserved to feel safe, and have secure attachments, and be able to express myself properly. I deserved to be treated fairly, and to be respected. I deserved privacy, I deserved control of some kind, and I probably deserved a lot more good things that I still haven’t figured out that I didn’t have. And to have not had much of that, and not understanding how harsh my life was until now… it’s just really painful, and really confusing, and I don’t really know what direction to take with all this except for sharing it with a safe place and with safe people, and seeing where I go from there. I’ve scrolled by this place a few times here and there, and I can find myself fitting into a lot of these sections as they are. I hope to use them once I feel confident enough to, when I can find the energy, and/or when I can find the words to say. Thank you for having me, and thanks for reading. <3
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Afraid of discipline?
General Support / by Gingie7268
Last post
 July 25th, 2022
...See more Hi everyone, I've been trying to find out more and more about myself, and it seems like one of the biggest barriers in my life is that I feel so uncomfortable with the general idea of being "disciplined." Overall, the idea of it is amazing! Eating vegetables, learning how to properly take care of yourself, completing homework ahead of time rather than last minute, cooking, etc. It's all great!! But the thought of it all feeling like a chore, and the fact that me doing these would make me "disciplined"... it kind of makes me feel like a pet animal being trained for a talent show or something. It's weird. Yet, if I'm not disciplined, I end up not feeling so great. Letting chores pile up, not keeping up with good hygiene, and doing homework at the last minute, and more... it really takes a toll on my health, and I know it. Has anyone ever felt the same way? Any tips I could use to overcome these thoughts and feelings? I'll welcome any feedback that comes my way :) Thanks for reading!
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Learning how to initiate conversations
Anxiety Support / by Gingie7268
Last post
 July 22nd, 2022
...See more I’ve found out quite awhile ago that I have lots of trouble initiating almost anything. Conversations, offers to hang out, etc… I guess I’ve always been afraid that I’d be seen as annoying if I did it enough, or that I’ll end up catching someone on a bad day and they’ll take it out on me for bothering them. I’ve been trying to teach myself that people actually like it whenever I reach out and talk to them. If they like me, and they think I’m a great person to talk to, then me messaging them first and being interested in them makes them feel good, and it can even make their day. But it’s weird trying to process that, for some reason. I don’t really know what to make of it. The idea of initiation has just never been in my little world at all, but it makes a huge difference if I do include it. But that fear of any of my actions/intentions not being perceived well is just crippling, and it sucks. Feels like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. But I guess I’ll just have to keep working on it. Thanks for reading my late night rambling.
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