Pretty new to this “healing” thing
Hey there.
I don’t really know how to start this one out, so I’ll just say… hi. I’m new to this particular aspect of mental health. I know I’ve had issues with anxiety and depression before, and I’ve come across a lot of behaviors that I wanted to improve on, but I didn’t realize just how much of this was linked to my past, as well as all the trauma involved with it.
IThis year has been rough for me, to say the least. I’ve gone through rejection involving one of the first people I’ve considered truly “safe.” I’ve moved out from a not-so-great situation, living alone, in a place where I am finally “safe.” And I’ve been looking back at my past lately, after having taken counseling courses in grad school, after having revisited my family over and over, after reconnecting with some people who looked out for me and took me under their wing in the past, and I’m finally starting to figure out just what it was that I’ve experienced.
A lot of things have connected that I wasn’t expecting to connect, and I’ve currently been in this immense, painful grief in regards to my entire past. It’s like, I finally understand the rules to the game… just a little too late. And no one could find out how to teach me the rules - I had to figure it out myself. And I finally have most of it down! But I’ve lost so much that I can never get back, the main thing being my childhood. I never deserved to live through such a harsh past, one that I can barely even remember. I deserved to feel safe, and have secure attachments, and be able to express myself properly. I deserved to be treated fairly, and to be respected. I deserved privacy, I deserved control of some kind, and I probably deserved a lot more good things that I still haven’t figured out that I didn’t have. And to have not had much of that, and not understanding how harsh my life was until now… it’s just really painful, and really confusing, and I don’t really know what direction to take with all this except for sharing it with a safe place and with safe people, and seeing where I go from there.
I’ve scrolled by this place a few times here and there, and I can find myself fitting into a lot of these sections as they are. I hope to use them once I feel confident enough to, when I can find the energy, and/or when I can find the words to say.
Thank you for having me, and thanks for reading. <3
Something I want to add - it’s mind-blowing what all you see when you’re finally in an environment you consider completely, genuinely, 100%-without-a-doubt safe. It’s like, being born deaf and finally getting a cochlear implant, and then being told, “This is what you were supposed to have had your entire life. This is what you deserved this whole time.” I’m in such a great environment right now, but I’ve never felt in more pain because of the grief I’m experiencing. It’s weird. I’m hoping this grief can help me heal the way I need to, though. I know it’s incredibly important.
@Gingie7268 It sounds like you did not receive the support and kindness you needed while growing up, and became used to that, and are now feeling pain, grief, and a sense of loss because you are aware that things could have been better. Much like physical therapy or surgery after a physical injury, the healing process for mental health after trauma can be painful and difficult, but does help you to recover. These resources may be useful to you on your healing journey: https://www.7cups.com/act-therapy-techniques/ https://www.7cups.com/grief/ Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk more about this. I hope you find peace and happiness in life.