Abused, scared and s u i c i d a l again :(
Hello Everyone!
Hello again. It's me again. The 14 yr old non binary (i've noticed i've been using "school pronouns" here. I am non-binary btw sorry to confuse you :(). From Zimbabwe. As of the time my parents found out about everything and all things have been a lot more shakey. Well after they finished taking all of their anger out of me the last week of school went smoothly and I found my grades making a noticable improvement. I found the ignoring tactic useful in some areas esoecially with my dad but with my mother it has been difficult because her words cut through my skin like a knife :(. Anyway the school holidays/break have approached and I was looking forward to giving myself a 1 week break from school, books etc like our class teacher had proposed and then carry on studying for the remaining two weeks. Such plans were distorted sadly by my abusive parents :(.
As of yesterday the called me down to shout at me about studying and i found my mom saying "3 episodes worth of TV is too much for one day you need to study and read there's no holiday to talk about here wake up early and get into the programme of studying and studying and studying." Which I found really harsh considering I have been doing that since January and now it's June and some of our teachers had said that we desereved this break at least to give ourselves 1 week to reflect and just rest then study for the remaining two weeks. But that wasn't the case in my household. My parents started talking about leaving me on internet surveillance which means they will be checking the wifi bill everyday to insure that i'm not slacking. And failure to follow their rules would result in them permanently disconnecting the internet. They said that they would be taking drastic measures to make sure that we were following their strict rules and my father said he'd beat me up if I didn't follow instrucctions and started saying that he has full control and authority over me until i'm 25 years old and that he will control and rule over me no matter how "fed up" i get. And he said failure to do so i would be poor and living on the streets and all of those harsh things.
Unfortunately the ignoring tactic didn't necesarrily work here. I mean sure i didn't cry in front of them but unfortunately I did in my sleep last night and quite frankly i am crying right now. I'm not sure how long i can conceal my feelings here for considering my parents literally said i'm not allowed to react to anything and that is that. I feel like i'm not strong enough anymore. Yk like the ignoring tactic is wearing off idk. Anyway last year the same happened and i got beaten up and I had crippling depression for the whole of third semester and i failed my examinations. And I got beaten again and yeah. I'm scared of the same thing happening. Now i wish i was at school then i wouldn't get as much pressure. What i thought was going to be a holiday turns out to be a living hell and i honestly don't know how to feel. Its like my feelings are getting erased and there's nothing i can do about it.
I'm actually really scared about this surveillance thing. What if they find 7 cups on the wifi bill and i get wipped? Whta if they harass another one of my listeners over the phone like last time? Is it ok to cry later on? Am i entitled to feel anything? If i show feeling will it channel them to bully even more? How long can i keep the ignoring tactic up for? Why can't i be strong? I have so manny questions yk. Anyway this is my story :(. It's really upsetting to never be happy for any prolonged time. It's like i get happy and then it gets taken away and i cry and then their happy. It's like you can't be happy all the time you can only be happy when you're 25 and earn a living of being a cooperate lawyer like your perfect religious sister. Which is exactly what my parents say all the time. What am i going to do? Is this a human rights violation? Idk :(
@Kittieluna
And also i'm not allowed to listen to k-pop in anyway whatsoever anymore and it was my safe heaven. My mother says BTS doesn't love you they just want money stop being silly and study. Not even when i do the dishes :(.
Ok So I was starting to think I'm retarded for being 25 and living with strict parents (parent in my case my mom is more understanding) I have almost every single one of your problems (pressure to study more, music production though my father prohibited music all together and not just k-pop, and he also disconnected the wifi internet (in middle of term so I have to by cellular data for my phone to attend classes which surprisingly he didn't seem to mind at first but then found other ways to abuse me so... I really don't know what his problem is! He also broke my laptop four-five months ago because I was at a class and didn't started to vacum the house when he told me to hence disobedience hence the broken laptop (like it was all my fault) and I still don't have a laptop and he also raped up home computer system that my sister and himself used to use so online classes are straight up nightmares as if strict creepy professors were not enough abusive now I have to every single project, exam and class with the one mobile phone that I have and it goten so heavie that it's lagging all the time And like you the ignoring method stopped working for me too We have afew major differences One I'm not non-binary or gay (the only reason that I'm alive and suffering instead of being dead and six feet under the ground) I'm already afraid he would slit my throat when sleep at night Two I have my mom on my corner but she's being abused just like me and my sister so it's more like moral support and things like that And third my father is not religious In fact he think he's god and we should obay hes every single whimb But as you can imagine he is also homophobic And last but not least Getting beaten by him is a regular at least once a month event
P.s. I meant music prohibition (sorry Auto-correct!) And I live in Iran
@Delaram501
oh my goodness! This is terrible. This is me when i turn 25 i solemnly swear. And the fact that i'm not straight let alone have no gender? I am practically digging myself an early grave. I am so sorry that you have to go through this :(. Also my parents when it comes to music and i find it paradox cause they listen to music on speaker all the time :(. This is starting to get physicallt painful honestly. And the fact that I want to be an alternative artist before i age out yh i'm not making it until 31 december :(
Look I can tell you from the personal experience that the second you tell your parents you want to follow art everything WILL be 10 times worst, my sister is 16 and she did this last year and it's been constant hell for both of us, she took a lot of beating before deciding to finish highschool first and follow what she wants after that, but your already cornered by your parents so I think maybe finish highschool first and then move to another continent THEN call your parents and tell them you want to do art instead of becoming a lawyer 😂 (No seriously I don't think telling your parents you want to go to art school would do you any good, best scenario they will burn all your art supplies and give you a black eye and a couple of cracked ribs, the worst? I don't even want to think what they would do!), take it from some one who watched my father burn my fave book because I was reading them on summer vacation (7 years past and I still don't know what that was about) do not give them reasons to hurt you, you think finishing highschool is a waist of time or your talent? Telling that to your parents is going to be an absolute mistake that you can't take back, be careful, wait, and take your time you can always do art unless you're dead! So finish highschool and see where you are, and then decide is it better to tell your parents or move out first (maybe your sister could help you move out??)
@Delaram501
well i already have a plan to get out of here and its going slowly but surely if you've read my previous threads here. but for the time being i wanna d i e. I mean i'm still in the closet and they don't know about my career so i think i'm safe idk it hurts
No! None of that! No talk of or (thought of) d y ing or d e a t h! just hang on! YOU can do this, you will make it, and you will be stronger than anybody who dared to hurt you! Just trust me and HANG ON a little longer!!
@Delaram501
i don't think you read any of my previous threads :(
Sorry no, I just joined 7 cups a couple of months ago and haven't been much active either. BUT I know how hard it can be and that sometimes a little support goes a long way, so I'm here if you need an ear and I understand how it feels to deal with strict/abusive parents 💚💚
