God is so good

God is so good.

For so long I felt like I was in this coninouse state where i would cry to go home and never felt at home anywhere

The cry of my heart was to God

Some of my earliest memories are of me crying in the halways of my home saying i want to go home

This feeling stayed in the background and came with me through moves, transitions and through the best and worst times of life

Overtime the feeling also brought a friend one that just didnt want to be here

One that saw this life as temporary and was ready for forever

This feeling never left aswell, through the best days and worst it stayed

Ive had a lot of worst days

This feeling was tempting because in the hard days the pain felt pointless, i found myself gripling with the idea of why not just get passed temporary and get to eternity

In the darkest days i tried a few times and through the hands of God they didnt work

I’ve come to except that God wants me here but that feeling didnt go away overnight

Theres a great pain that comes when the only thing your heart crys for is the thing that you cant have

Decade after decade the background noise of my life, the brouse of my heart, the cry that comes from the deepest part of my soul is the thing the lord says no to

When i was younger i would reason with the lord, like ok if your saying no let me just have like 5 min with you, i had the logistics figured out and everything

It got to a point where in late 24 early 25 i told the lord unless you want me to come home you will take this from me

During that time i was also in the mits of a grief that I didnt know existed, my first battle with a grief that shook the ground i stood on

I didnt understand how the world kept moving when it felt like mine was in a standstill 

Greif is something i wish on nobody 

Greif with the constant longing for a home not on earth and the knowledge that this is temporary was a recipe for disaster

I should have been checked in to a mental hospital and i have no clue how i got through that alone but more shockingly with no one knowing how bad it go, its amazing what a smile can hide

It got to the point where i broke down and told God, lord take this from me or im coming home

Have you ever asked God to take your hand from you or your leg, then image he does take the hand or the leg,  it felt like that

I had this feeling for so long it felt not only a permanent part of me but one that i didnt even know i could give to God

I spoke to God about it all the time but even ask for help but i had never gave it to him, i didnt know it was an option

Then I did and he took it away

Its something that i dont think i can ever describe properly 

I felt it being taken from my body

The cry of my heart was pasified, the brouse is healed, the background noise was silenced

It brought with it peace 

It didnt take away the troubles of life, they still come, im in one now, but in the hylands and the heart breaks the unrest is not there 

The cribliness of the friend whent away but the truth didnt now i reconize its truth and live this temporary life for however long it takes to get to forever 

Im no longer tempted by forever but joyfull for whoever gets to see it

More then anything im so grateful for the good that God is