The pain of my heart

Ohh to write about pain

where do i start 

The pain in my heart

I could start where I talk about the life I lived, the future I thought was so certain one with bright lights and an even brighter future, the one where breath came easy and i faced the noise with a smile and bright eyes knowing I could tackle anything that faced me, the one where I was so exite in the world I lived and the one I have yet to see, that person is me the me I took so much time and effert to make the me with the futer I took to make the me that almost feels forgoten almost unknowen its the me that everyone knows and loves, the me that everyone asks for, the me that I wish so bad I could bring back, its the me without the hurt, without the pain, its the me that hasnt been so hurt shes afaired to dream, people ask for her back I dream for her back, in dreams she still exisits and shes telling me the exact way to get her back. Oh how I wish she was me again even for a sec so she can make a message from this mess so she can write out a plan so she can tell me the way out, just for a moment.

Or I can start on the living room couch surrounded with all my freinds talking about the future of us older and wiser with kids and familys. How the best freinds would make best freinds that would grow up together. Where they would laughed and played all day but life got in the way and the reality is that the kids dont even know each others names, we havent spoken in years and the only time we saw eachother was for the funeral of one of our own. So much left unsaid that could never be said, we had a funeral before we had a wedding or reunion before we hashed things out before our kids became bestfreinds. I think about that a lot, I live with it. The reality that so much pain of the past has happend that could we ever reunite, could that futur of us all togerher exisit even with one of us always missing, I think no but a small part of me hopes so.

Or I could talk about how they passed and how when I relized the passed willingly, I understood it and the real reason it runined me is becouse in some ways I wished it was me and in others times I wish I was there, for just one hug, one how are you...really, one yes well all see eachother and talk but ultmitly i understood the pain and I wished with all my heart you didnt

Or I could just talk about how the last few years have broken me down in ways I could have never imagend, how just when I think there is no more of me to breake im proven wrong. I can talk about the countless times I broke down on my knees begging God to show up, to give me some sourt of light that guides me out of the darkeness. I can talk about how much I fought with my faith and almost lost it or the coutless journal entrys writen with shaking hands hoping that if I put the pain into words it would some how leave me. I can tell you about the disapointment I see in the eyes that look at me in the mirrior, how she shakes her head back at me asking 'how did you get here? where did you go wrong?' as the feeling of greive, disipotment and pain shakes in her body and silently she wispers back at me 'youll be ok' a chant that im not sure either of us beleive but one that is said everytime even if to just fake a little hope

Or how I had to beg God to take the disire to go home from me and thanks to him it has but how even now when the lights go out and the pain fades in and I no longer have to fake it there is a breeze that makes me want to go home, even for just a moment or just to take a break from the pain but I wont becouse the disire is gone but sometimes im tempted to entertain the breeze

I could talk extensively about the pain of my heart but for now I'll leave it as this, at times the pain feels like a bruise one that is forgten if not touched but one that is crippling when you accidentally touch it 

I have touched my bruise