How can I get comfortable?

I've always been very shy around people, especially those I like. I've acually never admitted to ANYONE I liked that I actually liked them, so I really haven't dated much.

My first relationship was with a sweet and funny guy. He also had bright yellow highlighter hair which I found awesome, but after dating for a short amount of time, I just felt...tired. Like, emotional drained. I always disliked chatting and hanging out with people and friends outside of school, but when you're in a relationship you kinda have to do that.

A relationship relies on actually talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend and spending time right them, both things that just made me feel tired. I really enjoyed his company though, but after about three months we broke it off. And of course, it made me feel extremely guilty.

The second guy I dated was a a new school. He was cute and we sat next to each other in Spanish. We only dated for two days. In relationships your boyfriend/girlfriend would want to hold hands or lay their head in your lap, and some people might find these things just casual things to do. It's quite the opposite for me.

I've always hated touching other people, but it's gotten worse over the years. I can't even hug my own sister anymore or shake hands with strangers without internally screaming, and my second boyfriend just didn't understand that. He actually scared me which is why I broke it off.

But while I find holding hands and kissing disgusting, I can't help but want to do those things as well. I want to date someone because I'm lonely, but every time I try to start an online relationship I end up blocking the person before it gets serious.

I think my problem is with the way I see myself. I hate getting compliments from people, and while others may find it cute it makes me nervous when someone gives me a nickname or something or says I'm beautiful. It just makes me feel wrong.

I was hoping that someone may have experienced this, and I want to know if you guys have any ideas or suggestions. Maybe there's a way I can learn how to touch people again, or gain some positivity about myself.

Thank you for reading my thread!!