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greenBike9982
297 M Embraced 2
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts40 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes37 Current upvotes37 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2023 Member sinceOctober 28, 2021
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Switch it off
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 December 12th, 2022
...See more I don’t want to feel anymore. I feel too much. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t believe that I’ll ever truly love myself. The people that I’ve wanted to love me never have. I somehow believe and convinced myself that no one will ever choose me. I’ve always happened to be the second option, the side piece. I’ve always happened to be looked over, treated badly. I’ve never felt as someone’s priority. I wish I can go cold and care. I wish that all of these experiences have turned me hard because then at least I’d have some self love and self worth.
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Come to terms
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 August 6th, 2022
...See more I'm starting to become okay with the idea of never having a partner. Every man I date always loses interest or treats me like shit. And right after things end, they end up with the love of their lives. I don't have anymore of me left to give. I'm so tired of getting hurt and being made feel as if my feelings don't matter, as if I don't matter. I've come to terms with love not being in the cards for me in this life. I'll always be the girl pretty enough to sleep with but not to date. I guess I'll learn to be alright with that 🙃
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Father.
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 July 14th, 2022
...See more My father was barely in my life. I remember the last time I saw him like it was yesterday. I was eight years old. He picked me up to meet the newest kid in his collection. I remember him rushing the whole time. Dropped me off at 6pm. I told him that he could keep me later, that my mom wouldn't mind. He said he didn't want to push it and that he was going to get me the following week. The following week came but he never showed. I can see the street from my bedroom window. I sat on my windowsill and looked for his car ALL DAY. All fucking day. Everytime I saw a green minivan I got so happy. My exact thought was, 'yay, he didn't forget about me!'. I made my mom call his beeper over and over again. I made excuses. 'maybe he got busy with work'. I did the same for the next two weekends. Hour after hour, I sat there and I waited. After the third weekend that's when I stopped caring. Because that's when I realized, that's when it truly hit me, that he didn't care about me. My mom called today to tell me that he's dying. She's upset that I'm not upset. How can I be? The man has been dead to me for years.
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Father's day
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 June 22nd, 2022
...See more I despise father's day. My father has left me with this gaping hole in my chest that can never be filled. I am convinced that I am unlovable and that men treat me like shit because they sense that too. Or whenever I do find a good guy, they always end up changing their mind about me. I work at a restaurant and I had to say happy father's day countless times today and each time broke me more and more. I was blessed with uncles and older cousins that view me and love me as their own daughter but it's not the same. I just hate this day
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Turn back time
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 July 5th, 2022
...See more I've found myself wishing to be younger more and more lately. I don't think I've ever truly understood the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' until now. I wish I can go back to when I believed the world was good and full of magic. Back to when I believed that people were good. Back to when the only thing I had to worry about was making sure my room was cleaned before my mom got home from work. When did everything become so hard? I find myself constantly trying to escape reality. The only reason I haven't turned to drugs is because my job randomly tests for them, I haven't become an alcoholic because I can't stand being hungover and I can't turn to meaningless sex because I fall for anymore who is remotely nice to me. So I sleep. I sleep alot. Or I work. I work so much that I don't have the time to think about how the world has gone to complete and utter shit. I don't enjoy good days anymore because I know that is only temporary. See, life likes to toy with me. It gives me just enough good days to make me believe that things are getting better. And once I get into the, 'wow, things are actually looking up' mindset, she reminds me that I'm wrong. The person that things were going well with? Ghosted you. The promotion you wanted at work? Given to someone else. The friends who you thought were family? Abandon you. The only safe space you thought you had? Now it's gone. I sometimes wish I had the courage to end it. I'm sometimes envious of the people who go through with it. I do have people in my life that are crazy about me and love me so much. But, the emotional pain I feel day in and day out overpowers their love me and I hate that. Sorry for the rambling, it was just too much to keep in today.
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Stranger to myself
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 May 30th, 2022
...See more I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like a shell. I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt. I'm tired of working. I'm just tired
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Feeling betrayed
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 June 19th, 2022
...See more So I have this AMAZING therapist. I went through 3 before I found her. She quickly became the only thing in the world that didn't make me feel as if I was crazy. Anyway, during one session I told her that me and my soon to be ex-husband got into an argument that became extremely heated and I laid hands on him. Made sure to explain that I know that was wrong, it was an isolated incident and will never happen again. At the end of our session she tells me that she needs to tell her supervisor about this. After that, I've been getting calls from my job's family advocacy program and all these other strangers that who were roped in,basically calling me an abusive wife. Now, I don't ever want to go back to my therapist again. I feel as if I've lost the only safe space I've ever had. I haven't been back to her since. I understand that she's doing her job but I can't help but feel betrayed. After all the progress I've made in therapy, I feel as if I'm reverting back to how I was when I first started. I'm having daily anxiety attacks, I'm becoming more depressed again. Not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to shower or brush my teeth. And it makes me feel as if it's all her fault. I used to want to tell her everything but now I'm afraid to even say one word to her. Im very heartbroken and angry at the situation
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Losing battle
Depression Support / by greenBike9982
Last post
 February 26th, 2022
...See more Today is one of those days that the negative voice in my head is winning. Even though I know nothing she's saying is true, it's still so easy to believe her. She sounds so convincing. I've had a problem with her my entire life but lately, I've learned how to quiet her down. But she's too strong today. She's too angry that I've kept her locked away, annoyed that I haven't hated myself as much I usually do. She can't stand the idea of me having actual hope for the future, having an actual plan. She hates that I feel so certain. She was waiting for me to fall, for something to happen for me to feel sorry about myself. And she got it today. A higher up at work in few words said that I wasn't a valuable member of the team, that I'm not at all good. That I was holding back the team as a whole. I could've sworn the opposite. So my negative thought latched on to that with all her might, knowing that this was her chance to bring me down. I have nothing left in me today to fight. She can have this round. I can only hope to be stronger tomorrow
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