Needing Support with Choosing Myself

I was in a relationship with my ex for two years. We just recently celebrated it in November. To make a long story short—the relationship for me died from a thousand paper cuts.

He wasn’t a cruel man, malicious or even mean. However his patterns and behaviors of being self centered and avoiding growth turned the relationship sour for me. It had gotten to the point I was finding more enjoyment away from him than with him. My intuition saw it, but I still hoped.

Unfortunately the timing of this breakup was truly just awful all around. Right before Christmas, right before the death anniversary of his mother, right before the new year. I wanted to wait till the new year to do this, that is until he asked me what was wrong. To backtrack: a few days ago I had opened up to him about how I felt dismissed by something he had said to me. I came up gently and softly, only to be hit with once again a justification for his actions and words. And the being told he’s consulted for those conversations and it needs a therapist not me coming to him.

This was based off of me finding a misogynistic comment my father left on a random *** post I saw and how it was truly upsetting. I shower him, he brushed it off, like usual. When I opened up he literally said on the phone call he just see things as problems and fixes them. I asked him if he could show more empathy in those moments, to be met with that is his empathy, and anything other than that wouldn’t be him being genuine.

It unfortunately went down a rabbit hole, and it finally clicked in my head that I had enough. I knew my best friend didn’t like him either, and I should’ve trusted my gut and hers.

Unfortunately since then he has further proven him and I just are not in the same places in life for us to work out together in a relationship. Telling me throwing away 2 years. It was a waste. If I love him I’d give him another chance, basically grasping at any straws I could give him.

I love him. I really do, which is why this is probably the hardest breakup I’ve had to do at 23. I’ve left abusive relationships that have felt easier. But this one, it was one catosrophic thing. It was small things over time that just kept happening no matter how many times I cried and begged for change.

I was trying to make him change to be someone I wanted in my relationship, not accepting who he is in our relationship. He deserves someone that makes him feel enough, and he’s felt as though he’s not enough—which is more a reason for me to leave. That’s not fair to him, and it hurts how much I still love him. I was slowly becoming indifferent, and I didn’t want to do that to him.

After being in relationships back and forth since I was 12, I truly chose myself this time. I’m proud, but I feel truly guilty and I find myself doing a lot of self blame. This is so hard, but it needed to happen. I know it gets better and I plan on this coming year staying single and discovering myself again.

I guess I just am looking for insight, validation, or maybe I’m just getting my pain out there. I love him dearly, and it hurts me so much to hurt him doing this.