Our differences
Hi there, im not really sure if im asking of anything or just venting, im just left a little hurt and lost.
My partner and I are on different stances when it comes to forgiveness. I seem to not forgive as much as I should, while he is overly forgiving. This has created a conflict in our relationship.
I truly admire how empathetic he is and how forgiving he has become, but it’s to the point it’s worse for him than anything. He will forgive someone and still let whoever hurt him-have full access to him again instead of him creating boundaries or distance after forgiving said person. He quite literally accepts that he is a doormat and sees nothing wrong with it, and criticized how I don’t forgive enough.
He wants me to support him with his forgiveness but I just can’t to that degree, that goes against my own morals. I’m watching my partner get manipulated, taken advantage of and hurt over and over again and I’m just supposed to be okay with that?
I made a comment that I’m unsure if it was the right thing. With these people that hurt him he comes to me and vents about it, but after he told me he’s going to continue to forgive them—I said I didn’t want to hear him complain to me about those people anymore. It’s incredibly irritating for me to have someone complain and do little to nothing about it just to end up in the cycle over and over again.
With his empathy, if you want to complain to him about someone who hurt you, he will give the ‘antagonist’ more empathy before acknowledging and giving you empathy. It’s hurt me quite a lot-it becomes invalidating..
I just feel hurt, he says he feels like he lost a teammate. I feel like I just did too..
@independentSquare8024
I can understand how frustrated you must be.
I may not totally understand his stance since if someone truly forgives those who are using him... Why is he complaining to you. real forgiveness is leaving whatever item you forgave in the past .. not saying you forgive then complaining to someone else about it.
It has always been hard on me to see someone being used or disrespected and then be expected to be happy about that. I can also understand how you both feel like you are not on same team.
I tried to create the middle ground that our empathy and forgiveness looks different, however I do not want to hear about the same person he will continue to complain about. It is mostly people at work, the issue is he will 8 am say how inconsiderate and annoying they are making his work 100x harder to 12pm saying how funny they are and how he cares about them. It’s a daily occurrence, and he continues to talk to this person outside of work. That’s where I tell him I can’t hear about it anymore, but he’s mad that I want do it his way instead of just accepting that we’re different. He can be a doormat all he wants, I don’t want to hear about it. I can hold a grudge all I want and not forgive, but will I talk with my therapist about it instead of him.
I hope he can understand where I’m coming from, but I’m giving him space for now. If accepting that our empathy and forgiveness looks different is out of the question, I wouldn’t even know what to do next.
