Tired
Hi. My name is Jess. I dont really like talking about what happened to me. The series of bad choices I made that lead me from one pain to another. The things I let happen. The things I refused to report. I keep reliving it though. Every night. It feels real. I feel him. I feel him touch me. His hands. I feel his breath. I feel the pain. I hear his voice. I hate his voice. I hear the words he said. I need it stop. Oh god I need it to stop. I cant sleep. I keep over eating and drinking energy drinks trying to get some sort of energy. Watching my body deteriate. My abs go away. My skin pale. I cant do this. I dont know what to do. I cant breath at night. It scares me so bad. I feel so alone. I cant tell anyone because it was my fault. It was all my fault.
@legallybrunette03
Hugs! I can feel so much pain in your writing. I know it can be hard to believe against what the little voice inside you is saying but it was not your fault. We do not control the actions of those around us. What they do to us is not our fault. I am so sorry that you had this done to you and that it is disrupting your sleep and your ability to function. It sounds like it is causing you a lot of body stress and I can understand how it would do that. You are so courageous for coming to this forum and posting. Hang in there. We are here for you, Jess.
@HopieRemi It really feels like my fault. Maybe when I was 16, fine we can say that was him but then I wound up in a relationship that I refused to leave until he left that was constantly that and getting hurt. I chose not leave. Its all my fault. It really feels like nothing will get better.
@legallybrunette03
Hey, Jess. I can understand the guilt that you are currently holding. It is so easy to blame ourselves for not leaving. It's not that easy to leave though. As humans, all we ever desire is to be loved and taken care of and we don't want to be left. It also sounds like you experienced a lot of abuse before then and you were accustomed to the pain and didn't desire to be alone? I can understand how you feel that nothing will get better. It sounds like you're really trapped in all those feelings of being upset with yourself in the part you feel you played.
@HopieRemi I just think about it and relive the things a lot so I have a lot of time to feel this way and think about my faults. I'm just really tired. You know? Tired becacuse I don't sleep, tired because I have to work so much harder to do anything these days, tired of reliving it, tired of being scared, tired of feeling this way
@legallybrunette03
I can understand being this tired. It is tiring to think about the trauma, the pain, and not being able to think about anything else. It sounds like trauma and the memories they take over and it takes a lot of energy for you to do anything else. Posting here in this forum is a really good step towards building a network to help with this. May I ask do you have any other type of support when it comes to dealing with the pain and memories coming from your traumas?
@HopieRemi I dont actually like talking about it. Part of it is people's reactions. So I don't really talk about the stuff. I just deal with it on my own
@legallybrunette03
I can understand not wanting to talk about it. The reactions of people, you can never control those and sometimes they can be draining. It can be easier to keep it to ourselves but I imagine it can also get painful to have to just keep it inside. I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with it on your own. I hope that 7cups is able to be a place for you to eventually not have to do it all on your own. We are here for you, Jess. x