hes destroyed me and i love him
this is def gonna be a long post. tldr: my bf and i have been together for 2 yrs, most of it has been torture, but we’re better now and i cant help but feel resentful for it
so, yea, 2 yr long relationship (had our anniversary only a couple days ago.) it started off great, i truly loved him, thought he was the one. he felt so amazing to be around, the corny, he’s my other half ***. but then, june of 2021, *** changed, forever. i tripped on acid, and had the most horrific experience of my life (this is coming from someone who’s been raped twice lmao.) it destroyed me. the aftermath tho, it’s what still truly haunts me. everything was fine at first, he was trying to help w my anxiety and psychosis that was caused by it, supportive and all that. but then *** started to change w him. he started getting angry more often, critical of me, patronizing. and at first i tried to ignore it, going into our bathroom to hide and cry, then come out and pretend like everything was fine. but i started being unable to, i was getting increasingly upset w him, speaking up ab how his “jokes” ab me hurt, how i had to walk on eggshells around him so i wouldn’t make him upset. but he never listened. i tried to open up and my depression, the constant state of terror i was in due to the trip and psychosis, but he started to resent me for it. said it himself that being around me like that made him depressed. so i would try my hardest to suppress myself, hide in the metaphorical corner until i eventually blew up and we had our massive and intense arguments. id beg him to listen, question my own sanity on wether or not he was mistreating me. this carried on, for almost an entire yr. what i didnt know (well i did, i just didnt have proof) was that he was cheating on me. on dating apps, texting other women, getting *** from them. and god, the way my stomach dropped when i saw the photos of the women, and realized i wasnt wrong ab what he was doing. and i lost it. i screamed at him, i hated him. eventually i moved back in w my mom after the constant lying from him and went to cosmetology school, and he moved in w his family.
and ever since we moved away from each other, we’ve slowly been getting better. our communication has gotten better, we’re more healthy. after a whole yr im finally out of the constant terror and psychosis. but i cant get over it. his cheating, more than anything. i feel disgusting, ugly. my self esteem and worth is ruined; i will never be able to look at myself and see true beauty ever again. i developed and eating disorder due to all the weight gain that was caused by my medication. i constantly question myself, “am i pretty, is this position hot, do i need to lose/gain more weight, is my *** big enough?”
and ive told him all this too, it’s not like he doesn’t know. i just dont think ill be able to forgive him for it. just, overall, i resent the fact that we mightve always been able to be like this if i had never made the mistake of tripping on acid. if i had never sent myself into psychosis, maybe it wouldn’t have caused all this. why couldn’t he have supported and loved me like he does now? when i most needed him, he cheated and abused me instead of helping. and now that im better, he loves me, more than he has ever loved me before.
sorry for the rant lmao
@lilth0 Hi there! I just wanted to say that maybe, if possible, you should slow down a little bit and go easy on yourself. At this point, regain your self-esteem, enjoy your own company, and try to spend some time with your mom who "loves" you the most (I am using quotation marks around the word love because I'm confused about its meaning!). Think of others later. The world does not revolve around a single person (just in case you forgot!). It takes a lot of courage to post something like this. So, you're brave enough. Do not take decisions hastily. How can others "love" or respect you when you are belittling yourself? Just think about it: in this infinite and ever-expanding universe you are living in a spaceship (Earth!) that can sustain life, and maybe this is the only spaceship capable of doing so (based on our current knowledge!). Are you less than a survivour or a warrior? You just took a step back for a well-needed rest/recovery. Now I will be hoping for your come back. Do not fail me, please! At last, if you ever feel like you want to be heard, then you are on a site where listeners are all ears without judgement of any sort. You're a wonderful being. Thanks for existing... Cheers!
I wouldn't put with that, he pretty much betrayed you, I think you know you deserve better so your mind is having a hard time with that. I went through traumas myself, my ex bf didn't really care about me, he wasn't there for me, he actually betrayed me, so I am no longer talking to him
I do apologize if this sounded in any way judgmental, I was basing it on my experience. Sorry. You are indeed a brave person. Please feel free to evaluate your situation independently without my input of course. Sorry if I may have offended or judged as we are not supposed to give advice on here.
And also I really try not to judge people
@lilth0
I'm genuinely sorry to read of all the pain. I agree, the trip perhaps caused aftereffects to you and the relationship, but his cheating was not your fault. That was on him, it was an active choice he made. That, and the lying too were his choices.
People cope differently with stress/situations and we learn more about people when they make those difficult choices, than we learn when the going's smooth sailing. As you said, when you needed him most, he wasn't there for you. Instead, he caused more pain when you were already hurting. Now when you're back to long distance and not in each other's space all the time, and when you're doing better, he is showing love again - without any acknowledgement or remedy for the damage caused to your self esteem and sense of worth by his choices. Your resentment is understandable. You've managed for a while now to focus on the positives - metaphorically going into the bathroom to breakdown and coming back out with that smile.
Much credit to your mother for being there the moment you needed her. I'm glad to know she is your rock firmly on your side and stood by you as you battled to get to today where you are doing better, getting stronger by the day. It is a difficult path but it certainly helps to have that unconditional support from someone who loves you even at your lowest.
The thoughts you've expressed are likely a part of the path you're walking towards your healing. It is okay to take time to reflect and to allow yourself the safe space to rant, vent, share, think, and discuss anything you like. You deserve happiness.
Much strength and peace to you!
