Anticipatiry grief
Is there a thread on anticipatiry grief? Or maybe a community area? I'm going through it for a second time, an in someway having flash backs(I guess you call it that). An navigating it a second time is in some ways harder cause of the memories of the first time.
@placidPlane1200
I’m not aware of any specific threads on anticipatory grief, but you’re in the grief subcommunity, so you’re absolutely in the right place to talk about it here.
I’m sorry you’re going through this a second time. I can understand how experiencing this again might bring back memories of the first time and make the process even harder. You’ve been through the waiting, the pain of losing someone, and the feeling of missing them, so now you may be remembering those feelings while also anticipating what’s to come. It can be difficult to face the possibility of another loss when you already know how painful it can be and have an idea of what lies ahead.
You don’t have to navigate this alone, and you’re welcome to share what you’re going through here. When you went through this the first time, did you have any support to help you through it? If you feel comfortable sharing, I’d like to hear a little about what that experience was like for you.
The experience was lonely, I had very little support. An i feel this go round might be the same. The only difference really is with my mom I was dealing with addicts in active addiction an acholoizem. This round im dealing with family in recovery. But eather way i doubt I'll have support. My mind is trying to prepare itself. When my dad got diagnosed with alztimers he was suicidal I could see it, he was deathly afraid of loosing his mind an expressed it in an online thread, I saw it my family didn't. Now he's been diagnosed with cancer. An i can't help but wonder will he only fight just enough to make it look like he's OK. Basically choosing mercy over his fears..an that hits close to my moms sucide. So yeah its not a good place to be.
@placidPlane1200
I’m sorry to hear that your first experience with grief was so lonely. It must have been difficult to navigate all those emotions with so little support, especially when you feel like you might have to go through something similar again. I can understand how dealing with family members in recovery might bring its own challenges, even if the circumstances are different this time.
It must have been frightening to recognize that your dad was struggling with the thought of losing his mind, especially when it seemed like your family wasn’t seeing what you were seeing. Now, with his cancer diagnosis on top of his Alzheimer’s, I can understand why your mind is trying to prepare for what might happen. Given what you experienced with your mom, I can also understand why the possibility of your dad giving up or choosing not to fight would bring up some really painful memories and fears.
Anticipating a loss can be exhausting in itself, especially when you’re carrying memories of a previous loss while trying to process what’s happening now. You deserve support through this, too, rather than having to carry all of these feelings on your own. I’m glad you reached out here on 7 Cups and gave yourself a space to talk about what you’re going through. You’re welcome to share here, and you don’t have to have everything figured out or know how to navigate this just yet.
What has been weighing on you the most lately: the fear of losing your dad, the memories of losing your mom, or the uncertainty of not knowing how things will unfold?
I would say the uncertainty. Its weighing heaviest. He still has to have more testing, the doctors are not sure that its just his liver there likely will be cancer elsewhere an straight liver cancer is rare. So the waiting one what they find or don't is leaving uncertainty on his prognosis. He's also not a candidate for chemo an like not surgery. So that leaves radiation, an pain management. Same road my mom went.
So yeah uncertainty is the biggest. An it leaves my mind to wander.
I totally get how the uncertainty would be the strongest thing that’s causing you to worry and make your mind wander. Is stressful, knowing that the only options available to your father are the same options that your mother had. The waiting game can be pretty scary as your mind wanders and you start to think of everything that could or can’t be happening. I’m sorry that you’re going through this again. What do you think would help you through this time?
I honestly don't know. I'm just going day to day atm.
Honestly sometimes going day by day is all you can do. You’re doing the best you can. @PlacidPlane1200 if your dad has any case manager or workers like that, you can ask them if they have any resources with dealing with what’s going on and on how to prepare yourself.