What Can I Say?
Hi everyone.
Quick background: I went no contact with my parents and brother in January, after about a year of low contact, and 30 years of emotional abuse and manipulation. Since January, I have only "heard" from my parents once in the form of an invitation to my sister in laws baby shower. This invite triggered a complete breakdown. I cried, threw the invite away, and moved on with my life.
Anyway, the reason I'm posting now is because in about a month, I'll be attending my cousin's wedding. It's a long flight away, and since my brother and his wife are expecting a baby soon, they won't be attending (which is great for me). My mother also won't be attending (woohoo!) because of the impending grandchild, however, another cousin whom I'm very close with said my father is planning to go.
My father is an enabler who allowed my mother to treat me like crap all my life. He can and has admitted to me that I was treated differently from my older brother since the very beginning, but ultimately expected me to just accept it. He's basically terrified of my narcisstic mother and would never say anything negative or even remotely critical to her. I've basically decided that I'll just ignore him at the wedding.
My main concern is everyone else... I grew up pretty close to my cousins and a lot of them will be attending this wedding as well. Since it's basically a destination wedding, there will be numerous opportunities for down-time, and they are all well-aware of the rift between me and my parents, though they don't know all the details. I worry that since I wasn't at my own SIL's baby shower, for my brother's first child no less, their questions will be fresh on their minds.
What can I say to them?? I definitely don't want to talk about my abusive parents, but I also don't want to come across as super defensive when I know they dont understand... I'm ready to move past it - that's what going no contact is all about. I don't want every encounter with my extended family to be a reminder of abuse.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'd love to hear from anyone who can relate or even someone who is maybe not I'm position at all. What could I say to you if you were my family? I want to show them I'm doing better than ever without having to explain why or making everyone uncomfortable.
@plumDrum6386
You do not have to explain / rationalize or justify your going no contact with extended family ... i often think those of us who went no contact feel that there will be all these questions and for the most part if they had spent anytime around them they saw the family dynamic. Those who pester you to rejoin the fold it is only because they have not moved on in their life and misery loves company.
As for showing your immediate family that you are doing great etc... why bother even if they see it they will find ways to tear it down in their mind because they feel hurt....
@toughTiger6481
I know you're right, and that's what so many other people say from what I've been reading. My anxiety is just getting to me and I know the question will be asked at least once in the long weekend. I know I don't have to explain it, and I don't want to, but I also don't want to be rude... which is dumb because they're being rude by asking about a subject they know to be sensitive. I'm comfortable with my choice. I just know that they don't understand, and I also know it's not my job to make them understand. Thank you for your response.
@plumDrum6386
I had it happen i ran into family friends and they asked me .......awkward i know but i just stated i felt it was best to go no contact as things were not good....
to my amazement 3 out of 4 said "good for you they totally saw my siblings for what they are even though these people were my siblings friends....
@plumDrum6386I'm sorry, I've gone thru similar probs with my family. My dad is an abusive butt-hat. Mom is a drug user and alcoholic. They divorced 4 years ago. I ran away recently. I think that the most plausible way is to not go, but if you must go, just tell your cousins the true story, maybe cut down a few parts to make you less defensive-sounding? I don't think you will come across as defensive, I've had my share of trouble, so did everyone on this site. I am truly sorry for you. I think your cousins would be, too.
@plumDrum6386 Like other people have said, you have no obligation to sate their curiosity or pacify their need to see everyone acting like a happy family. However... I completely understand this thought process and the anxiety that surrounds it. I think vague answers are the way to go. If they continue to needle and pry, then I think you have the grounds to ask them to stop being nosy (social convention and all that).
If you have family members that are more sympathetic towards you, maybe a very(!) short, bluntly honest answer would suffice.
Hi @bandaidbear
Thanks for the reply. I feel similarly as far as a vague answer. Like I completely understand that I don't have an obligation to explain it to anyone, but if someone asks, I can't just say nothing, you know? I love my cousins. We all grew up very close, but as we've all grown and started living our own lives, we've obviously not had as much time to get together. I'm excited to see them and to catch up on everything going on in their lives, but I know they will be just as curious about mine. Like I said, they have seen the rift growing between my parents and I for years, and many of them are aware of how I was treated. I just worry they're going to be surprised at just how drastic things have gotten... but I'm always worrying about what people think and I am trying to work on that. It's not like their reaction is going to change my mind or make me regret going no contact.
@plumDrum6386 You can do it! I'm sending good vibes your way and I hope you have a wonderful time with the family members whose company you enjoy :)
I agree with the others that you do not need to justify your decisive to your family, but if you are close with your cousins, they may already know. They may have seen things from the outside, and just never talked about it. But I think you should still go, ignore your dad, and have fun with everyone else.
@plumDrum6386
Sorry for being too late here to give you any advice since your cousin’s wedding already happened.
But to make up for being too late, just wanted to ask you how everything went there if you did end up going??
