Going No Contact with My Parents
Hi everyone. Despite the title implying some pretty heavy decisions, I am happier than I have been in FIFTEEN YEARS. I am 31 yo and have had some crazy familial drama in the past 3 years that opened up a ton of old wounds regarding emotional and physical abuse as a child.
One year ago, I told my parents I needed time away from them, but in hindsight, I realize this was time I was allowing them to reflect on the situation.
Come late October, they reached out to me and asked to speak and I naively thought "maybe this is their apology." I was wrong. Instead, they wanted to know what was wrong, as though I hadn't explained it a million times before.
The conversation ended poorly and I told them "I want an apology or I want you out of my life."
The next week, my mom called and cheerfully asked me to come to Thanksgiving. This is her thing: she acts like nothing is wrong (like I'll just get over 30 years of abuse) and then acts all offended when I tell her no... I'm not spending Thanksgiving with you.
Then my dad texts me asking me to watch their dog while they go on vacation. I almost just gave in because the dog is the only empathetic creature in their home, but I said no.
He reached out to me two more times to ask me to watch the dog, telling me if I don't do it, they'll have to cancel their trip and they can't get their money back... like it's my fault. (They love to guilt me into things) I stood my ground. NO.
I asked for an apology explicitly and they not only blatantly ignored it, they had the audacity to ask me to do them a favor!!
Then my dad starts sending me photos of him and I when I was a child, smiling as I sat in his lap. He took a picture of a card I gave him where I had written "I'll always love you." Clear and obvious manipulation.
I've been in the habit of googling these situations and found that this isn't so rare. One person explained that manipulators do this because they are reminded of a time when I couldn't fight back and that made a lot of sense to me.
At 31, I'm done fighting back. They don't deserve it. I'm learning to love myself for the first time ever. I'm done worrying about what they think of me. I'm done trying to make them change when they are incapable of understanding.
I feel freer and happier than I have since I was a teenager. I'm only writing this because I hope it helps anyone else who might be in a similar situation. Know that letting go is the first step to being a happier, more whole YOU.
@plumDrum6386
Many people do not understand unless they are or were in your shoes.....
i had to do that as well and have had friends who did as well..... it is clear when they ignore things you have said and ask you things like nothing happened.
It is incredibly freeing and such but you may experience what i have ... many say things "but they are family and all families have issues etc" I quit telling people i was no contact because so many wanted to "fix" it or tell me how important family is In their opinion.
You may have doubts and feel alone ..... but remember the feeling you have now of peace and free. when those thoughts come along
@toughTiger6481
Yeah, I definitely get that. I have a large extended family. One cousin has been my closest confidant throughout the past few years. While she's proud of me for having the confidence to finally break out, I can tell there's still a part of her that thinks my parents can change, but I know now that it's not possible.
I have a brother too. He was my parents' favorite and I could feel that from a very young age. I know he doesnt get it, but i hope one day he will. Right now, he is as consumed by my parents' manipulation as I was, he just doesnt realize it.
It's kind of weird, because I've had family members tell me outright that they knew I was treated differently, but I didn't really think much of it until recently. My husband is 1 if 5 kids. They were never hit, never grounded and they're all wonderful adults. Watching his sisters raise their kids was one of the most eye-opening experiences to me.
I had only met one person who told me they went no contact. I hadn't given it much though until this past year. But I swear I could feel my brain healing each day I didn't hear from my parents.
What people don't seem to understand is this isn't what I wanted. I don't think anyone wants this... but I have spent a lifetime trying to make them see reason, doing mental somersaults trying to understand, fighting and stressing and feeling like I'm the problem. I tried my hardest and it wasn't enough. This isn't what I want, but it's what I need. And I know I will be better for it.
Thank you for sharing with me. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!
@plumDrum6386 Hi, I hope you do not mind, I was almost going to reply to your original post, I just didn't have the time ro wake up properly this morning and wanted some time to collect my feelings and thoughts. I just read your last reply, and I have to say that I am so glad that you have a life of your own. I was going to write that is how toxic families are, they create drama, and they take up a lot of time and energy, there is often a lot of pain which is unwelcome. The thing is I feel it gets pathetic, I don't want to talk to them either as I am tired of the same thing repeating itself.
I am glad to hear you have role models who are healthy. I was concerned by your post that you obviously still care about them and I do not think any child would choose to cut family off. Your parents and sib are important, but I think the best is do what you are doing, focus on your life. I am sorry your parents do this. To this day, I cannot figure out why my sister and parents don't get along as they keep blaming one another. My mother blames my sister and she crossed the line in recent years, she says my sister abused her. They stopped talking multiple times, now I just got a message they are talking again, but I am just waiting for something else to happen.
Bottom line is, I am tired, and I understand why you would not want to bother; I also understand that feeling you describe of freedom.
Anyway, apparently I needed to read this this morning, so I thank you for sharing, and it was not in vain.
Hope you have a nice day. p.s. also am really happy that you came to this realization now rather than later on, but it's never too late.
Hi @reliableWest8997
Firstly, I am just happy that my post reached you and spoke to you in some way. It was a long arduous journey to get to where I am now, and I know that it is far from over.
As a child, anytime I would ask for something, I was told I was selfish or entitled. It's made it so hard for me to do anything for myself, because there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me it's selfish to want anything. When you're closest family is telling you you don't deserve something that would make you happy, you believe them.
Meanwhile my brother would get away with far worse things. I would look at my mom wrong and be sent to my room. Whereas my brother threw house parties while they were away and was just a general jerk to everyone, but my parents enabled his behavior. They still do.
Again, I'm 31, and part of me is disappointed and feels like I wasted the past 15 years. I knew I was depressed at 15 years old. And it took me until now to understand that I wasn't the problem. It wasn't just my brain, it was my family creating that problem.
Until last year, I didnt think they had anything to do with my mental health. I knew my mom was a trigger for me, but I never understood why.
It turns out she's a narcissist. She and my father and brother are all so prideful that they refuse to see they could be wrong in anything they do. It sucks... but the second I recognized their pride and emotional immaturity, so much unlocked in my brain. It was like all this fog was lifted and everything became so clear.
It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't processed it on their own. You can't convince anyone that hasn't gone through this. They may support you, or maybe thry won't, but theyll never fully understand it unless they go through it themselves.. but you have to do what's best for you, and that's not selfish or entitled... that's HEALTHY.
Send you all my love and wishing you a lifetime of happiness ❤️
I am 30. I ran away from home at the age of 19. Since then, it was nothing but continuous healing from the severe trauma I experienced as a kid.
Child slavery, sexual, physical, verbal, financial abuse, and negelct from different family members in my family.
It’s a family full of narcissists. Yes, they spread rumors to anyone who will listen, try to lure me back in with empty promises or “happy family” pictures. Bashing me and wishing me fail in life so I will crawl back begging.
It’s unfortunate when we are simply born with no real love nor care.
I am still spending every week just heal because the trauma is countless.
Hi @amicableTortoise8718
You are an inspiration to people like me. You had to make a difficult choice, maybe the most difficult choice you will ever make. I know, for me, it was.
The family photos are what really caught me off-guard. My mom is a true narcissist, but my dad... I always felt like "if I just explain the situation... if I just tell him how I'm feeling... he'll understand." But him sending me those pictures.. it just made it obvious.
I know I will never be "cured" of this, and healing will be a lifelong process. I know they will not respect this boundary and I will be faced with more "tests" in the future, but I see it all for what it is now.
I'm so proud of you for breaking free of the cycle, and for sharing your experience with me. It took me a while to realize this is pretty common, but people don't talk about this enough. The family I want is the one I am building: Me, my husband, our future children, my in-laws, our friends.
Wishing you all the love and happiness you deserve ❤️
@plumDrum6386 Hi Plum, I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and I am glad this choice is giving you peace. You are not alone. I experienced a lot of similar behavior from my parents as well, including the guilt tripping, dismissiveness, and emotional manipulations. It sounds like you tried many times to bring up concerns and that was ignored, so ultimately you did what is best for you. <3
Hi @Daydreamer47
I have. In some ways I feel like I have been fighting my entire life. But I would say it has been three years of back and forth, explaining myself, trying to reason with them, giving them the benefit of doubt, receiving empty apologies... it's been a long, tiresome journey. It feels so nice to know I am not alone at the end of it. And I think much of their persistence depended on me thinking I would have no one if I left, so they thought I never would.
Thank you for reaching out. I still have moments where I think "sure they do this, but is it really that bad?" And hearing how others experienced the same things and came to the same conclusion... it fills me with happiness and peace. <3
@plumDrum6386 Yeah I have been thinking about it in terms of "red flags" like when dating somebody. When I think about the behavior my parents have shown, like screaming, harsh criticism, spanking, guilt-tripping, verbal attacks...would I accept that from a friend or someone I was dating? I think if that was a partner, I would break up with them immediately. I think we deserve to have standards for what is a healthy relationship, even if it is family, and we can look for healthy relationships with people who aren't related.
@plumDrum6386
That seems like a lot to go through and it's completely understandable why you'd want to cut them off! Honestly all you wanted was them to understand that you have been really hurt by the way they treated you over the years and it's so unreasonable to guilt trip to let go of things instead of actually apologizing! That sounds very invalidating and disrespectful. It is completely acceptable for you to put your mental health first and set healthy boundaries and I'm sure you have really tried to love your family and work this through and they didn't really leave you a choice! It's heartbreaking that they'd manipulate you into coming back just to have control over you, instead of actually acknowledging your feelings! I'm so proud of you for setting healthy boundaries and standing by them! Cutting off something that has impacted your life for so long is never easy but I'm glad you are feeling better! Let's navigate this together! I wish you well on this new journey ahead. I'm here for you bud take care <3
Yeah it's a sad situation, but sometimes that's all you can do. I went through the same thing myself. I'm glad you're feeling better that's awesome
@plumDrum6386
Going no contact with my dad kind of doesn't feel like a possibility for me, but your post is really brave and made me feel more validated in my feelings.
Like my situation isn't the same but there's this crushing guilt i have when i think about how much i want my dad to leave me alone. Like even thinking it makes me feel like an awful daughter. How actually i want to let him "walk out of my life forever" when he threatens to and tries to emotionally manipulate me. How i don't want to comfort him and fix things after he goes off at me. Even though i know its wrong the way he treats me, and that he is never going to change. He makes me feel guilty about not being that kid he can easily control anymore. That i should put up with it zero complaints if i get to have a dad around, and he isn't that bad but he is bad. i really want to get to a stage where living my life for myself doesn't feel impossible and selfish.
fr thanks for sharing your experience it helped me feel less alone\guilty 💛🦋
Hi @sulk
Trust me when I say, it took me a long time to get to this point.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I want to tell you the guilt goes away, but there's still a part of me that feels guilty. Like I'm the reason our family has fallen apart, like I am the problem. If only I could just accept that they are who they are and just live with it... they don't feel as sorry as they should for how they have treated me for 30 years, so what if I'm just wrong?
But that feeling is derived from the years of manipulation we endured. The overbearing responsibility we feel to keep our family whole because we just want a normal relationship. No one wants to make the choice to leave behind a manipulative or narcissistic parent. It's something we have to do because it means we will live a healthier life, one where your healing is at the forefront, not one where your dad's healing is at the forefront.
Every scenario is so nuanced and delicate that it's impossible to find someone who is in your exact situation. It can feel like you are so alone or that no one could possibly relate. Just remember that people tend to keep the negative things under wraps, and the positive is what makes it out into the world. You are not alone and there is an entire community of people who have your back and will have your back regardless of where your path leads.
You can contact me anytime if you want to chat. I don't know if there are DMs on this app, but I'm always here to listen. I'm no expert on this stuff, and I can only speak from my own experience, but you are stronger than you think. Sending you all my love and support 💛💚💙
@Sulk
I know OP said that every situation is different and it's almost impossible to find someone that's been through the same thing you have, so I won't say I know exactly how you're feeling, but I think I have a pretty good idea.
I'm familiar with the guilt, the way he threatens to just leave and the glimmer of hope that wonders "could it really be that easy?"
Your whole comment really resonated with me, and I also wanted to offer to be a listening ear if you ever need someone to talk to about it. Much love 💚
@plumDrum6386 good for you
@plumDrum6386 you're so brave and strong and remember no one can knock you down
As someone who is strongly considering going very low or no contact with my parents when I have the means to do so, thank you so much for sharing this. Especially considering that we're very close in age. What you did was very courageous. Do you have any advice for people who are thinking about doing the same? How do you deal with the ups and downs or feelings of guilt, if there are any?
Hi @DitaBear
Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm happy that sharing my experience has reached people who need it most!
About the guilt: yes, I feel it, almost every day. It can be difficult. But I try to remind myself that the guilt is artificial. Well, yes, it's real, but it's the same irrational guilt that I've carried with me throughout my life. It's the guilt that kept me the shell of a person my parents wanted me to be. Any time I thought about doing something for me, that guilt came through and said "your parents would be so disappointed."
Now, that guilt comes through and tries to give me the benefit of doubt. "Surely, they don't mean to make me feel this way." "Do they really deserve to lose their daughter over this?" It's even more difficult when emotional abuse is something that's difficult to explain to others. I often think no one will understand, or they'll think this isn't serious enough to warrant this kind of reaction.
But I remind myself that I tried everything I could. Begging and pleading, asking them to attend family therapy with me, explaining it a thousand times year after year. All that effort on my part and it was never once reciprocated. They'd give me little victories, just to give me hope and then snatch it away.
I think thats what keeps me going--knowing I tried, and they, simply, did not. Now, MY happiness is what is most important. I've finally learned that doing things for me doesn't make me selfish--it just makes me happy. And I still have plenty of time and effort to give to the people who have it for me!
The fact that you are here means you've already made some tough realizations in your own situation. For that, you deserve as much applause as anyone else. Just remember that YOU are the most important person in your life. Confidence is key. You know who you are, you know where you've been and how you feel/felt. No one can take those experiences away from you.
Sending you all the love I can spare. You're strong and capable and deserving of love ð©µ
@plumDrum6386 Thank you so much! I really appreciate the response and found this whole thing very helpful 😊💕
@plumDrum6386
im more or less in a similar situation...my parents are toxic very much at some points. im really sick of their hot and cold behaviour
i just wanna get it as soon as possible...
ur story gave me a hope
thankyou and take care
@annadaisy50749
*get out
