Going No Contact (The Golden Child)

Hi everyone. A little over a month ago I posted here about "Going No Contact with My Parents." I wanted to do a little follow up and discuss my situation in a little more detail.

Firstly, I didn't just go NC with my parents. I also went NC with my only sibling, my older brother. I had known my entire life that he was the "golden child" in our family dynamic, and I spent most of my life trying to be him in an attempt to receive the same love and pride and acknowledgement from our parents. He joined a club, I joined the club. He played an instrument, I played an instrument. He liked a show, I liked the show.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that the golden child is not much different from the scapegoat in situations like this. The parents are the ones who put unnecessary pressure on their children, and it isn't the child's fault how the parent reacts. And the parent's reaction in this case is only negative, even if, from my perspective, it looked like my golden child brother received all the positive attention.

I now realize that my GC brother was as manipulated as I was. He still is, unfortunately. He was brainwashed to believe he was the "heir" of the family. Held to a standard of unreachable proportions. He was basically given the life he is currently living from the moment of his birth. He was named after my father who was named after his father, and he was told he would work for the same family business that was started by my grandfather and taken over by my father. They made it seem like this was the greatest achievement anyone could be offered, and I always thought "but what about me?"

But in high school, my brother was a leader in multiple groups. He had dreams and goals. He received a scholarship to a great university close to home where he earned a degree in business which he never needed because he would have landed in the same place he is today regardless of education.

My parents kept us confined in a small world. If they allowed us to discover new things, or seek opportunities outside of their strict guidelines, we would have been made to feel guilty, or, in my case, grounded/punished/had things taken away for extended periods of time. I know this feeling well. By my sophomore year in high school I was fully depressed for reasons I couldn't understand at the time. By senior year, I had given up on every extra-curricular activity. Having spent 17 years trying to be my brother, I didn't know who I was. Even after high school, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I worked for the family business because it was all I knew. Depression lingered. I moved away to go to school, thinking I needed to just get away, but ultimately became more depressed because I had never known a life outside of my family and I moved back home and back to the business. I even tried to put all my effort into it, but nothing I did was acknowledged, certainly not monetarily. Often, I would have to go to my brother and tell him my ideas just to get my father to hear them through him.

Eventually, I became so depressed and frustrated still living in my brother's shadow, at the business he was bequeathed from birth, I quit in a rage and never looked back. Frankly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. It enabled me to find a new job and learn what it was like to work in a corporate setting. I made almost double the money I was making for my family. I met new people who had jobs I didn't know existed, who lived lives that felt so much bigger than mine. It was such an eye-opening experience.

Today, my brother has one of the most inflated egos of anyone I have ever met. He is as narcissistic as my mother and is enabled by my father. He puts everyone down as a means of bringing himself up. The best people we know, close friends, family members, no one is safe from his scrutiny, as though he is the image of perfection. It took a while before I realized, I was not safe from it either.

I hope one day he frees himself from his misery... maybe after our parents have passed, and he is alone, but I will not be holding my breath. He has not attempted to reach out to me in some time and I know that is because he's already manifested his own story in his mind, one that fits his narrative and helps him sleep at night.

Since making the decision to go no contact, I feel I have grown daily. I find myself giving more attention to my husband, to our home, to our future plans. I think about my parents and my brother every single day, but I have no regrets. My extended family has not abandoned me, though I haven't been open about my decision with them. When the time is right, I will tell them with honesty and confidence because I know now that how I felt was the product of emotional abuse and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. To compare it to torture feels a bit extreme, but imagine being brainwashed and manipulated for years, being forced to live in a small world and told you don't need anything more, that you shouldn't want anything more... and finally breaking free (in your 30's no less). You feel this immense wave wash over you. It's like my eyes have been opened for the first time. I am learning about who I am and loving myself for the first time.

If you've made it this far, I just want to say thank you for reading. I think it's important to note that every person on this site, and beyond, is dealing with their own, very nuanced situation. My situation is my own experience, and while you may be experiencing something similar, it is far different from mine. I hope to offer a glimpse of those differences by sharing these small details. And while I share my story, know that it's only a small percentage of the full picture. I hope this finds the people who need it most. You're not alone 💗