sirKeats Member Profile

has anyone been to therapy later in life?

35 & Over Community / by sirKeats

September 9th, 2024

My trust is at an all time low

Trauma Support / by sirKeats

May 30th, 2024

...See more I'm not sure if this is the right forum but I thought it most suited I don't really talk about this which might be part of the problem, but also the cause of me not talking (I know I'm probably rationalizing this too much). A couple of years ago I had a mental breakdown situation at work. I got into therapy afterwards and initially it seeked great. However things turned awkward for reasons I did not understand then and I quit the therapy figuring it was just me overthinking and needing something else. It turned out (I learned later the hard way) that they had mishandled my personal info for a while and lots of other stuff was going behind the scenes. It destroyed my trust just reading about it last year when it came to light in the most hurtful of ways. Around the same time I confided in family when I was having a hard time. They didn't really believe me and thought it was just something that was in my head. I greatly rue not having faith in myself but it hurts more knowing my family didn't have trust in me the slightest when I was at my worst and didn't have ny back ultimately. Last year I was in therapy again. Initially it seemes great but it all came crashing down in the worst least expected way. I never saw it coming but it felt horrible. It was the last spot I really had a connection going but seeing how it went downhill just hit my self esteem hard. At the same time my other last connection (close group of friends) had tensions going (partly I think I made mistakes which I underetimated the effects of). I've cut contact with them too since the stress and mistrust of everything going on cut go me. It's been a year and I still feel so horrible. I feel like something is wrong with me. On top of that my trust has been completely destroyed. I feel something must be wrong with me being in my 30's and just leaving a wake of carcrash relationship endings in my wake. How do you regain your trust? In yourself or those around you. I'm just looking for some type of answers. I signed up for a new therapy but am not sure anymore how it will pan out. I'm just struggling and worst my lack of connections (usurped by the distrust monger) makes it a hard space to be in. How do I even begin to escape this hellhole?

Feeling rough

Depression Support / by sirKeats

March 31st, 2024

...See more The last year has been hard on me but somehow these last few days/weeks have been particularly rough. I'm in my mid 30's and currently trying to get my life on track but it's going so-so. I work retail in a job to get by, I don't particularly mind it, however most of my colleagues are younger or older (students mostly but some in the older age bracket) and I don't really have much of a connection and I feel pretty isolated. This was always been the case since I've worked there but somehow the last few weeks I've felt way more disconnected there and kind of wishing I'd have people to talk to if just casually (I struggle with social anxiety so have a hard time doing so even though I'm trying). At the same time I'm doing an internship at a local university (unpaid). The work itself is going well enough, I'm using it to try and launch a new career shift. However the job requires I'm working from home basically 100% of the time which gets tiring. Was part of the setup but being alone with the type of work (research) can be particularly isolating. Especially a week like this one where I'm basically spending all my free time reading/writing software code and papers and being so remote doing so I'm finding hard and not always beneficial for my mental state. Also, I'm currently taking driving lessons (never really took the plunge before). It's not going terrible but I notice being more unmotivated in my headspace especially learning the required theory knowledge. It feels at times my driving instructor is kind of annoyed with me though I think that's just my mental disposition speaking too. I know I'll get it eventually but doesn't help a day like today where I just feel mostly useless driving the car and not being there mentally fully. I'm a slow learner too (don't have much finesse for driving a car or so I've learned lol) so it takes a lot more effort where I already feel like my other 2 jobs have me swamped. Today I was going to go see an expo for a family member's work (art expo) but I'll probably just cancel even though I feel bad for it. Anyways, sorry if this all seems mundane but I've been particularly struggling for some reason and just felt like posting (5 AM and couldn't sleep). Thank you to anyone for taking the time to read. I used to have a group of friends but got disconnected due to other reasons and really miss them. Also signing up for therapy currently hoping it'll lead to something good (last 2 therapies haven't panned out well sadly).

Is there therapeutic help for everyone?

Personality Disorders Support / by sirKeats

March 3rd, 2024

...See more I'll start by saing I've always loved the profession of psychology and everything that had to do with it. I've had such a fondness and always loved exploring psychology, reading journals, being active with that. Part of my interest is also I think due to own personal mental health struggles I had. During the years (even from 20, am now 36! Go figure) I've had a number of different therapies but sadly it feels like so many things went awry. Too much to state but one thing that happened is a lot of diagnosis were thrown my way (autism, schizoid, emotionally limited) that I think were never in line what I believed from myself. I recently had the oppertunity to look at what happened during my first therapies and it turned out the agency in control made many many mistakes that ended so bad I had to seek contact years after therapy ended to understand how they could've done the things (they informed other professionals of private info which should've went by my and created a whole mess in my personal dossier). That part was sort of remedied by them apologizing profusely but looking back how everyhting was handled and during the years I was with them my strust was so severely violated and reading back hurts so much. The notes from therapy wirtten by therapists I thought were always kind were horrible and dismissive and stuff was literally made up that they weren't allowed to claim but no-one stepped in to correct it. Everone piled onto my file for years (me being unaware thinking I could trust them) and it ended in the worst possible with with the last person I trusted of the agency also writing horrible things (I thought it was all in the past at that point). When, last year, I read back everything that happened I was so severely shocked and never imagined this was happening all the time. It destroyed my trust since I could've never imagined everyone being so utterly dismissive and painting me in a horrible light (if it sounds farfetching I thought too until I read it, I just had never seen it coming. There was some vague issues but I had never thought it was what I ultimately read). I went to another therapist last year since I was struggling and reeling from the previous experience and intially things were great. They were kind and receptive. But somewhere along the way me and the therapist I got along with well ran into a discussion followed by a therapeutic rapture followed by the whole therapy spiraling. It was horrible in how everything just fully slipped away from me. At that point I was already so distrustful of everything and everyone around me but whatever I tried to do to mend the therapy only made things worse. Ultimately I had to part with them which still devestates me if I'm honest just because I finally thought I had a place where someone would accept me. My first therapy experience had writted such terrible things I thought now I might've finally found a place of peace but it wasn't meant to be and instead it spiraled and I quit and I'm left reeling ever since. This is as much as a rant-ramble from me as just an honest question to the community. Do you think there's help for everyone? I would love therapy since I'm struggling so badly but I don't even know where to start anymore since that last therapy seemed so well and then got destroyed from a seemingly small communication issue that just developed into a rupture and undid everything. The place itself was perfect and I loved the diagnostic insight my therapist provided which makes the crash just so much harder to bear. Is there hope? Where do you look for a tehrapist? My level of distrust is at an all-time high, if I'm honest and I'm not even sure a therapist would want to treat me given that I seemingly leave a trail of mishaps troublesome therapy engagements in my wake. I would love nothing more than a tehrapy to explore and the difficulties I'm having since I was young but somehow things just seem to repeatedly go wrong and difficult despite everything I try to not make it so. I'd sign up again with an agency (my hope is to land somewhere where maybe I won't be looked at as weird or just a set of labels or mentally deficient in some way) but I'm just not sure where to start anymore since everything seems to crash. (one exception was another therapy I had which last20 weeks which was perfect. The therapist was so kind and I wish I could've continued but couldn't due to logistic reasons but that was doing so well.) Does anyone know where to find a therapy that fits or how to go from here? I've been looking into HSP and feel it might exaplin a lot (though I hate the monicker, I somehow don't feel that different if that makes sense and just want to seen as a normal individual since that's how I truly feel). Also the fact that I'm always seemingly in my head and love anything to do with creative affairs, making up stories and imageries and wishing I'd have the confidence to put my works out there. Anyway this turned into a ramble. I'm just looking at a place to start, or continue, since my life is such a reclive experience and would just love to start an uphill traverse to somewhere where I could feel just more at ease, and a place where I could be something more meaningful to myself and also others would be so nice to have.

Stressed

Work & Career / by sirKeats

March 4th, 2024

...See more Forgive me if this is scattered, there's a lot going on and I haven't slept much. Some time ago, I got accepted for a tentative new work position. It's great (it is unpaid but am going into a new career direction and my uncle arranged for me to work at an university 2 days a week as a stepping stone to get into a new working field which is amazing) but at the same time I find myself intimidated by the prospect. In the past, I've had a very stressful event at work causing me to need to recouperate for years with therapy etc to feel better again unemployed, and I know I'm still not a 100% stress free and recovered even if I've made a loooot of progress since. Problem is - I'm currently working 2 jobs to get by (retail jobs but I like them well enough). And now, having this oppertunity also means I have to quit 1 of them. Howevever the breakup is making me feel really bad. It concerns a company I've worked for a year now. Even though I like the work itself the environment is pretty awful in some regards. E.g. there's very little safety procedures (working with big machines) and the company as a whole had a very erratic way of doing this I've learned. They reneged on earlier promises made concerning wage during the initial job interview after a few months which I thought was ***. They also offer very variable working hours and any sort of vacation time is hard to come by (asked for my 2nd week in a years time but it was met very lukewarm even though they ultimately conceded, whereas I've worked a lot to help them when they were short on staff the past year which made me feel bad about their reaction). I've already told this company I was going to quit today but it felt awful. As a backdrop, when I initially applied they told me they needed someone long term since there's hefty 4-5 month lead-in period (paid) at the job before I can be put to work. I agreed but year down the line feel the job is just not for me. I realize this works out badly for them having only worked 6 months after intial 4.5 month of investment from their side. But also just them just trying to go back on earlier promises makes me feel like I just don't want to work there. I just find myself very conflicted even though I know it is the right decision (the other 2nd job company I work for for 6 months now has been great and very fair in their treatment of me and always kept up their end of the bargain and provide good working conditions). I know I am very insecure of these kinds of things. I've had a discussion with my employer where I asked to quit today and obviously they were displeased. I'm trying to keep things just pleasant I guess and not to make it into a 'bad breakup' and stated the company is just not for me. But they arranged another meeting with me where I know they'll try to pressure me into staying even tho I know I won't cuz I'm just simply done with working there if I'm honest after my experiences there. But I feel really *** about it also since the work itself is kind of cool and I really did want to work there longer before of all the messy stuff, like not following up and me having to put in so much effort to them paying out properly and all the like. Right now I've just been stressed. I'm also rather isolated (though the short contact I've had with nee job position they sound very kind) and find it hard dealing with the pressure on my own since in past I've had people in real life to count on but now I don't. I am really excited but the prospect of jumping from 24 hrs to 36 is very daunting (but I'll be happy in both working environments I think). It's 4 AM and I couldn't sleep so I thoughy I'd put it out there, thanks to anyone willing to read this messy 1 person ramble lol since I guess I'm just in need for some venting

Had a pretty good week at work

Anxiety Support / by sirKeats

August 29th, 2023

...See more Normally I post when stuff goes awry (and am also very thankful for replies and comments from other users) but this week I actually had a small advancement and thought I'd share! I'm pretty socially anxious (read "very") and work a retail job in which customers come to me etc. and usually I just feel really nervous and freak out mentally and am unable to think when this happens. It's such a bummer since I just faze out and try and do my best but can't really think on my feet and it's such a hindrance. This week my goal for the weekdays was to be "more assertive" (really vague I know, but I sometimes set different goals in a given week to I guess broaden my horizons). Again I'm pretty reclusive and anxious around others so thought about trying to just "put myself out there" To my surprise, these past few days, I actually felt a lot better and more confident! I'm still nervous talking to colleagues but whenever a customer came to me for help during work I felt (wait for it) calm and pretty collected. I got a little bit into a rhythm of feeling more confident. Since I don't work at the place very long (which used to freak me out since I don't have a lot of knowledge) many times I have figure stuff out along with the customer etc. but trying to do my best do my surprise it felt a lot of customers were grateful! Even when I couldn't help them or didn't have the knowledge they seemed appreciative (in previous experiences this would always make me feel terrible and make the conversation turn awkward and I'd feel bad) and thankful that I tried to help them which I never could've imagined (how can people be thankful if you screw up? though that probably tells a lot about my way of thinking too). It really made me pause on a personal level since I'd never imagine to be one of those employees customers seemed to enjoy talking to and put customers at ease when they were dissatisfied but it came pretty naturally at times and I even felt in tune with the customer's wishes & the customers seemed feel satisfied emotionally too (don't know if that's a weird thing to say but it seemed that way). Maybe a little bit of a rant but all of this to say I guess this week was pretty good! My takeaway from this experience is that being assertive really worked in some situations (dealing with customers, but also other business related stuff) and also with colleagues only I noticed social talk is still awkward even if you put yourself out there lol. But it felt better at the very least. If you got this far thanks for reading. My life is pretty messy atm but I feel for the first time I "got" how some other people must feel talking to others (aka not frantically internally panicking 24/7) and it was touching even a bit seeing myself having these moments where I got to such a place as well. There may be hope yet is what I guess I'm saying, lol, thanks for partaking here in this positive experience of mine.

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