Am I a monster? - Trigger warning!!
in order for you to understand how i'm feeling i'm going to repost a summary of what i went through that i have posted on other support forums and here as well.
"around six years ago, my cousin and i were playing a game, he added a rule, if i lost the game, i would have to kiss his, "willy" as he said. now, my cousin has always been a really aggressive and violent person, the first time i met him he told he would get his dad to kill me if i upset him, and out of fear, i went along with it and i, kissed his "willy". after that, we both moved on to, experimenting. it never went past grinding up against one another, and neither of us were aroused by it. but, the experimentation happened at least twice, however, instead of out of fear, the experimentation just happened, we both agreed to it, and it happened. we haven't seen each other since, and from what i've heard my cousin is still as aggressive as ever. but here's where i'm not sure anymore. i was 11 when this happened, and he was 8. i don't know anymore, i don't know what to think, i don't know what to think about what happened. am i the abuser here? should i hand myself into the police? i don't know what to do anymore."
like, even after all the support i get i always end up feeling the same way after just a few months. is death the only way for me to redeem myself? am i a monster, a criminal like rolf harris or jimmy savile? if i am, i deserve to die. i've ruined my life and others with what i have done. i am pathetic, i can't face going outside or trying to enjoy anything, i don't deserve it. am i even allowed to forgive myself and move on with my life? am i allowed to have a life? i don't know what to do anymore and i'm scared. i don't want to die but if it's what i deserve then i will. i'm scared of what i am.
i'm so scared.
You are not a monster.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. And I can't imagine the amount of torture and torment you must be feeling right now. I completely understand the confusion and the guilt, but please believe me when I say it was not your fault. It wasn't your cousin's, either. You are not the abuser. You are a victim. Same goes for your cousin. If there was an abuser, he/she was not in the room with you at the time.
I do not know your cousin, nor do I know his family or friends. But a child usually does not come up with that on his or her own. He may have been conditioned in some way. Either directly or indirectly. Whatever the case, you did not initiate this and you did not start the chain reaction. You were merely caught up in it and deeply affected by someone else's actions.
I'm not a doctor. Nor am I a therapist. But I was sexually abused off and on growing up and it started when I was a child. After it happened, I began experimenting as well. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I had this evil thing inside of me. And that guilt and confusion stayed with me for long time. But it was later explained to me that when I was first sexually abused, it kick-started certain hormones inside of me and certain responses that would normally not be active until later. Much later. And that was the cause of these feelings, the curiosities, the experimentations. Not because of who I was, but because of what was done to me. And I would take a guess that that's what happened with you.
You do not deserve to die. You are not a criminal. You are not a monster. You are a victim and I would recommend you speak to someone about these feelings you have and about what happened, preferably sooner rather than later. Therapy would also be a very viable resource to look into. Negative feelings are hard to let go, especially when they've been a part of us for so long. A therapist would be able to walk with you on this journey and help you to see yourself in a better light. They would also be able to help you with the difficult task of forgiving yourself.
You are not a monster and I am so impressed by your courage in sharing your story with us. I hope you are able to, with time, set this weight down and continue on to becoming the extremely capable person I see inside of you. Good luck.
@ValentineLove You wrote a very thoughtful and helpful reply. It was excellent! 
Almost the exact same thing happened to me. Kids do weird stuff when they are young, especially when threatened like you were. You are completely not at fault here.
Hi toughplace,
You are never be a monster. You are pure at heart. All what happend past only when you were young. Innocense age. You did not want to do it deliberate. Its only accidental. You know, you are great because you feel yourself regret. But never feel yourself down. You are special in this earth, you have some meaning to do good things in earth, you still have future..bright future. You forget all past just move on ..dear. no one in this earth are perfect. Mistakes by humans are common but but feeling regret makes you special. You are not monster..you never think of negative things. Try to help needy which gives you pleasure. All the best dear friend. We are all here for you. Stay alive for us dear. With hugs n luv
i feel like one 100%
i feel like satan himself
a liar
a beast
an outsider
You're not a monster. That also happened to me, only that we were both girls and I was just five while she was the older one. It only stopped when my family moved away. It definitely had an impact on me while I was growing up. But right now, I have forgiven her already, for using me and threatening me, even if she never said sorry. We see each other frequently and she never said a word about those days. It basically became taboo. I don't know if it's guilt, but she's been very good to me the past years (more than a decade, even). From time to time, she treats me out and gives me random things, so we've gotten close. Even though there's that, I have forgiven her. Although I secretly blame her for a few things (the after-effects it caused), I have forgiven her.
Knowing that the two of you had both agreed (and he most likely does not hate you), don't see yourself a monster. I didn't even see my cousin as monster (at least, not anymore) who had forced me into it, how much more you, who had been the one who was threatened and used.
100%
I agree with the other supporters.The fact that you wee afraid means that you most likely was not the abuser. You cousin seemed like an intense child that may have been exposed to inappropriate things. I hope that you can speak to your family members so that you both can start to heal.