Should I hate myself?
i swear this is becoming like a regular thing. every couple of months i start to feel better and then i'll go right back to feeling like a bad person and feeling like i should hurt myself or i don't know lock myself away in my room. honestly, it's sad, i'm so scared of opening up to someone in person i'd rather tire out the resources of you poor people on here because i'm a damn coward. it's pathetic. maybe i'm just pathetic.
i guess i should inform you as to why i feel like this
"around six years ago, my cousin and i were playing a game, he added a rule, if i lost the game, i would have to kiss his, "willy" as he said. now, my cousin has always been a really aggressive and violent person, the first time i met him he told he would get his dad to kill me if i upset him, and out of fear, i went along with it and i, kissed his "willy". after that, we both moved on to, experimenting. it never went past grinding up against one another, and neither of us were aroused by it. but, the experimentation happened at least twice, however, instead of out of fear, the experimentation just happened, we both agreed to it, and it happened. we haven't seen each other since, and from what i've heard my cousin is still as aggressive as ever. but here's where i'm not sure anymore. i was 11 when this happened, and he was 8. i don't know anymore, i don't know what to think, i don't know what to think about what happened. am i the abuser here? should i hand myself into the police? i don't know what to do anymore."
and that's why i feel like a monster. maybe this is just how i'm going to feel forever, forever and ever and ever until i finally give up, run away and live as a homeless person until i die alone, and forgotten.
it just hurts, to know i'm a monster and i've hurt so many people. that i've let so many people down. i want to cry and run away, i want to just run out into the night and never look back. i want to vanish. i'm so scared. i'm so frightened. am i destined to grow up to be a sick criminal? i can't do this anymore.
i need to go to bed, i'm sorry.
You're not pathetic or a coward and you don't need to apologise for posting. I'm glad you are here!
What your cousin did was not appropriate. It was his idea and he put fear in you to make you obey. He was the abuser - age doesn't come into it. You were both minors too. Don't let it play on your mind too much and you're certainly not an abuser/criminal. It was a silly thing between young, curious kids - it happens a lot.
I can relate to you in the case of feeling good for a while, but then having some time where you're not happy at all. I believe that's just the form of depression we have.
I hope you find 7 Cups beneficial and you get the support you need right now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don't see it, it's there. :)
So your Cousin was intimidating and abusive toward you in the past? I suggest just stay away from him and if there are family meetings where you both are going to meet up, just don't go. Other than that, you could confide in me if. You want :)
I hate myself for putting myself in situations that got me raped. Ie drugs...seems like drugs n rape go hand n hand. For me anyway.
