Gentle
Feeling very insecure and hate myself even more.
Recently I've been hooking up with a neighbor. I allow people to use me just to feel needed and wanted. As someone who has been abused in all kinds of ways including xesual most of my life...i never was into it nor felt anything..my body automatically goes numb and cringes..my mind goes blank and I can't wait until it's over..I let men or whoever use me.. also I use it as an possible temporary escape...from everything.. also because I feel obligated to.
It also triggers a time in childhood where I let grown men touch me in order to feed my bio family. My bio mom and 2 brothers we never really had much to eat growing up...and there were times where we would eat because we couldn't afford to. These guys would tell me they would get bread lunchmeat some snacks for me to take home if they touched me...so I let them..in order to feed my family. I didn't care about myself..just feeding them.... I was about 8 years old then...
and it reminds me of the time I was 5 and in primary school and a teachers aid ....an adult male about 50 took me in the school bathroom that was built into the classroom...took me in there during class and touched me all over.. I don't know if he went further because I just shut my mind off. Then afterwards, I had to go out and join the class..as it was in session...
It reminds me off every known and unknown abuse....
I always feel disgusted and I feel like garbage...I feel so low and dirty... and ashamed and embarrassed.
I wish that I could just go away...forever..
@helloGlobe608
Hello,
I'm very sad to hear about the horrific things that happened to you. I'm not quite sure what to say. You describe situations I have little experience in. But thank you for sharing. I know that you didn't deserve what happened to you and I'm angry on your behalf.
While I can totally understand how you feel used and everything related to that, but really, it is the people who used you who should be ashamed. They are the low, dirty, gross ones in this, not you.
I can completely relate to your desire for connection, and probably, to be loved for yourself. Its so human. And I can totally understand why you would struggle to find what you want. People in your past have totally messed with your understanding of what love is. I feel for you.
Have you discovered the forum for trauma support? I wonder if they might be able to give you more specific help. But, by all means continue to post here, if you find it helpful. You are welcome any time. We love you here.
@helloGlobe608 it has to feel frightening to yearn for human connection, but not be able to stay in the moment on an intimate level, because of the reminders of the past abuse. You are trying so hard to work past the memories and the physical reactions that are normal for people who have been placed in situations that were terrifying and incomprehensible . Sharing your experience here takes so much courage and your determination to make sense of all the feelings and sensations is very admirable. You are so deserving of healthy human connection. There are people here that are safe and would be honored to listen to whatever you might be wanting to share. I hope you are able to find your place here in the community. You are welcomed to connect with me if you want to. I would be happy to hear from you.
