Going through a serious breakup with the man I thought was the one
My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me this week.. We met in such a magical way on new years eve when I was in Panama on a 3 day trip and we connected on so many levels. I went back to my home in Costa Rica and 2 weeks after having deep conversations on the phone every single day, he asked me if I wanted to move to Panama to be with him.
2 months later I moved here. We had a wonderful life and we were happy. Things were great. But I projected my baggage and trust/control issues from previous relationship trauma onto him without realizing how bad it was affecting us.
Through inner work I've discovered that my inner child has fears of abandonment and unworthiness. I found myself a few times towards the end of our relationship telling him "You don't care" when he wasn't reacting the way I thought he should, even though I knew deep down he really did.
This week we got into another argument and he said he was done and even though he still loves me, he doesn't feel the same way as he used to.
I'm kicking myself because I feel like a failure and a terrible person for treating him the way I did and not working on my traumas/insecurities more actively. Why did it take losing him for me to realize the hurt I was causing?
I told him I promised I would work on it, if he could just give me one week to notice changes and if he still felt the same way I would respect his decision and we would part ways, but that I didn't want to pull the plug now when we are both emotional or make decisions based solely on the emotions and I would like a few days to decompress and revisit things.
He feels that I shouldn't have brought any of my baggage at all and should have started from zero with him, since he didn't bring his baggage from being cheated on towards me.
IMO A relationship is where 2 people heal themselves while helping each other heal and have the hard conversations. I'm finding out in this breakup process that he doesn't believe in that.
He said it was best if we stop this cycle and part ways now before things get worse.
I'm so heartbroken and feeling like I lost my best friend and so many future plans we had made. I'm here in Panama at our house where we still live together, but apart, trying to plan my next move. I definitely can't stay here for my healing process.
It's tearing me apart. I've never felt this sad. All I want to do is lay around and cry. I don't feel like eating much. I can't even go a moment without seeing something that makes me think of him. I don't even want to go into any room where he might be while we still live here. He is hurting too. I know he is.. but He's good at stuffing down his emotions and has been going about life like things are normal. I can't pretend everything is normal. I know if I go there and sit with him I'll just start crying.
I'm considering going back to Costa Rica or Argentina to heal and be with my friends, or back home to the US to live with my family for a bit since my financial situation is terrible and I need to recover. The latter would relieve financial stress, but put me in an environment where I don't have my friends and I'll feel isolated.
I'm spiraling again. Last night my dog who is 13 was having one of her spells and, I don't like calling him my ex because it hurts too much, W, got down on the floor with her and babied her like he always does. I've always loved how he treated my dogs like his own, but now our little family is breaking up and it hurts me to know my dogs won't have their "daddy" anymore and daddy won't have his babies. I know it isn't the same or as painful if we had kids together. But it still hurts.
I cried myself to sleep and this morning I got up and did my yoga and talked to a listener here and felt a little better. I played some video games to shut down my busy mind, but lost interest sooner than usual.
I came to do a meditation and journal and I started writing out my apologies letter to him for closure, as he has said he would be open to listening to me and letting me vent but that he wasn't changing his mind.
So I'm trying to accept that and remember that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it's not my choice, he needs to be happy. But I started thinking of all the fond memories we have had together and the laughter and the moment we first said I love you. And I read a letter he gave me last year when we were fighting alot where he said he would never give up on us. And it sent me into tears again.
I know I'm supposed to feel the emotions and not bottle them up. So I'm trying to let them arise so that eventually they pass.. but they keep waving up unexpectedly as well. Like in the grocery store the other day I almost broke down in tears because the music reminded me of him.
It hurts so much and I am ready for the point when the pain ends. It doesn't help that we live in the same house and he is in the living room watching TV but I don't feel like I can go sit there in the same room trying to act like it's all normal and not get emotional.
It's so difficult to be in this house with him. He is being nice and civil even though I can tell his heart is hurting too. But in my past breakups I was cheated on so it was easier to let go because I was angry.
He is still set that his mind isn't going to change and we are done. It's so frustrating too, because this is a relationship we shared a very deep love in and this is also a man who spent 3.5 years in jail before we met (only for 1 Oz of weed and a scale, laws here are crazy) and also is so focused and dedicated on building his business (which I respect highly) but if he can make it through all of that... trauma in prison, coming out with nothing to his name and building another life for himself literally from the bottom up, why is putting the effort into fixing relationship problems so hard?!
He said he doesn't want us to repeat the same cycle and he doesn't want to keep trying.
I know it takes 2 to make it work. I could have done more on my part too. But he's made his decision and there's nothing I can do about it and I need to let go. It's just so hard to do that.
I mean I literally uprooted my life to move to another country to be with him. Things were amazing. I thought we'd be together forever. But now my whole world is flipped upside down and I have to move away from the country to heal, and because I don't have much money left because he was (happily) supporting us while I was building a business but I haven't gotten my first client yet so I have to move to a more affordable living situation.
And last night we were on the couch sitting with some company and he played a voice message on his phone from one of his customers and she said "I'm sorry to hear about the breakup"
I LOST MY *** when I heard that. Like, he's telling EVERYONE, even his customers? It's really really done then isn't it? And why tf is it his customers business?
He came to me and explained that he only told her because he is behind on her project and needed to explain why.
But hearing that message felt like a knife straight to my heart and I started bawling like a baby again.
I love this man so much and he always has been there for us and treats my dogs like his own children and even through this breakup he is doing everything he can to still keep a roof over our heads and help me plan for my move.
We have had so many wonderful adventures together here in Panama and my mind has been Reminiscing on all the beautiful beach days and hikes and kisses and laughs and everything in between.
It's so hard.
I can't bear the thought of seeing him with someone else or even me being with someone else.
And I know that is hard as it is to believe right now that eventually this pain will pass and I'll move on. But I'm still punching myself in the gut regretting so many things I said/did to make him feel that he no longer wants to be with me.
What do you guys do to get over such a hard breakup?
Girl stay strong. Do whatever makes you happy. Wish you a happy healing......much love ❤️❤️❤️
I am going through somewhat of a similar situation to you.
Seeing it's only been a couple of weeks for you, I feel the pain.
Reading your posts made me remember how much pain I was in.
It has been a little more than two months for me and I still have another month to go living with my ex and it is still not easy.
But believe it or not, the pain is actually manageable.
I have actually had a few moments of positivity since then without him in my future. A feeling that maybe things will be all right and that it will work itself.
I think the mind finds ways.
My first week was the worst, and the second week was a little better and then the third week better than the last, and so on.
I remind myself that the pain is only temporary.
The pain is proof that I did give my heart to someone else and it hurts so much because it's been broken.
I believe the heart will find its way again.
And granted, I do not know you, but I think you will be fine some how.
I think we will both be fine.
It is not going to be fine right this moment, but as we live our days one step at a time, one thing at a time, cheering ourselves for the smallest victory we accomplish during our heartbreaks, time will gradually pass and we will have ourselves back, even stronger and wiser.
I hope.
We will do what is needed and get through this.
While your heart is full of pain, please know I am sending you a wireless digital hug.
@sunnyBunny8240
Thank you so much for your kind words and I'm so sorry you are experiencing a heartbreak too.
I hope that you heal quickly.
It's only been a week since he told me he wanted to break up, so the pain is still pretty fresh.
I've been experiencing lots of waves of emotion still but I'm trying to remember it's OK to not be OK.
Last night we were talking about some logistical things for me moving out and I think reality hit him more (and it definitely hit me more)
I also told him (again) that I was sorry for my mistakes, he said he was sorry for his and we had a bit of a talk and I cried again. He tells me I shouldn't feel guilty, he made his mistakes too.
I am realizing now that it is very important to me to have someone who is always working on expressing their emotions and not shoving them down.
So perhaps it was never really aligned, as amazing as our love was.
I think we learn what we want and don't want with each relationship until we attract the right one.
It still hurts. God it hurts.
I need to move out of this house within the week because not only am I struggling still being here with him and not able to let go, neither one of us wants to keep this house (we rent) so we need to move out before our rent is due again.
He's being so nice. He makes me food to make sure I eat because he knows I haven't been eating much this week. He's still doing whatever he can to support us.
So it's like a small amount of normality, but we aren't together so it's really not normal at all. Just normal enough to hurt my heart.
To know that I'm never going to see him again and my dogs won't see their daddy again.
I've been talking with a couple of friends though. Getting on the phone and crying and venting is helping me process.
I have still been meditating and Journaling, but I find that turning on my favorite music and zoning into my work on my computer helps me drown out my overthinking mind.
Sounds like you're doing great!
Keep it up✨👏
Today is the day. I'm leaving the house we live in together to start my journey home to the US in 1 hour. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Leave my whole life and the one I thought I would be with forever and go back to my home country after experiencing so much here and beginning to build a life, only to have all of it ripped away from me.
I read him a letter 2 nights ago to try and get some things off my chest, get closure, and tell him how much I appreciate everything and our time together. Part of me still had hope he would change his mind, but it's clear he still doesn't want to keep trying. He did cry and give me a hug though.
I can tell he still loves me. I can feel it. And I know I still love him.
I'm trying to pull through and be positive. Made a list for myself to improve certain areas in my life so I can begin to focus on myself during this healing process.
But the emotions go up and down.
Today of course is the last day I'll see him, ever. So it's hard.
Here goes the hardest journey of my life. Physically and metaphorically.
@pinkBranch2835 Your words really spoke to my heart, I'm sorry you are going through such rough times. I remember going through 2 heartbreaks...it was awful, just awful. I did different methods to heal each time...
My 1st love, was my EVERYTHING. First partner, first intimacy, first child, first home & car together...I thought he was my soulmate...But he had a drinking problem and nearly deleted my existence from this world. We were together for 3-4 years prior and his drinking got worse and worse. I had to leave and I grieved a bit. Spent ALL that time together and thought we would get married, but he loved drinking more than his family...He would quit for a few months, and everything seem fine, but went back to being abusive. I had to escape him -- I ended up getting unemployed from escaping and evicted during that time...I called the cops on him as well and lost (temporary) custody of our little one for a year since his father was not a safe person to be around and they thought he would come back into my life (I refused). I remembered breaking up with him through a long text message, wishing him well, and blocking him as I had tears in my eyes wondering how this happened and how could I do this to myself and son?...
After that, my younger brother introduced me to my 2nd love, who was younger brother's best friend. I (stupidly) met him RIGHT after I broke up with my ex. I didn't think much of 2nd love at the time, even though he was flirting heavily with me. I was oblivious at first, then he got WAY too obvious (I was drinking too much and smoked too much MJ since I was depressed and wanting to be unalive due to my awful situation)...Anyways...I asked him out, since he was cute. We hooked up, and hung out nearly EVERYDAY. It felt magical. I learnt how to be more confident like him and dress better. He showed me around the city (I am not from here, I'm from state that is 1,000+ kilometers away), and he just seemed like an interesting person (at that time, but turns out...he's a liar...)Anyways, overtime, he ended up using me for money + comfort(I was pretty much his "sugar mama")...He'd always be late for hangouts and was also an alcoholic and did heavy drugs (ex. coke, shrooms, LSD, etc) and I wasn't comfortable with that at all...I knew our relationship, or rather "situationship" would not last and that ultimately, we are not compatible...but it felt comfortable having him around after my first heartbreak.
We dated for maybe 8+ months, then he ghosted me for 2 weeks...I find out later, in a vulgar way from my younger brother that he heard that my 2nd love was shagging a woman in the next room and was "squealing"...Later on, 2nd love invited me to his work place to let me know he was "hitched" to another woman and always "thought" about me, and if it didn't work out with her, we could try again...so in other words, I was always option B. He was a bit of a hippy and never used "labels". I just gave a wry smile and tell him "No thanks" to him asking to be friends and said "Have a good life". The woman he was with ended up leaving him in a similar fashion that he left me (is what my younger brother said), and 2nd love tried reaching out to me mentioned how he "missed me", but I blocked him. How gross....
I felt pretty empty inside for a while and heartbroken. I really loved that man, despite him not being a good match for me, I knew that deep down inside... I also felt a lot of anger for what he did to me as well, but have been healing, steadily. I have seen him in a distance not too long ago while I was travelling somewhere, but I did not acknowledge him, and he did not see me (I tried not to make myself known). I have had nightmares in particular about him, and it bites. It annoys me. I just feel annoyance anytime I think about him now. Same with 1st love, it's just annoyance more than anything else. I can't wait to feel completely indifferent(I am completely indifferent to my physically and verbally abusive parents). That's when I know I have healed. To just see them as a stranger...and nothing else.
Anyways... I went through dating a few people, it didn't work out...and FINALLY I found my 3rd and current love. I still have baggage (and so does he), so I try and communicate with him as much as possible about what's on my mind and apologize if I ever wrong him (he does the same as well). If, for some reason, this relationship doesn't work out, I feel it is a sign to work on myself and be content being alone for a while and make new friends. I would have no hard feelings towards him and would be OK with being friends, but would definitely need a LOT of space first before we talk again so I can heal...I would honestly be heartbroken and cry my eyes out for a while...
I love him SO much, and I feel if we break up, it would be amicable, but heartbreaking... He is NOT an alcoholic nor drug addict like prior exes. He is very kind and considerate. He apologizes a lot for the smallest things (that he doesn't need to apologize for). I feel if anything, we would probably only breakup due to different goals in life or distance(he's in his 30s living with [abusive] parents[his words, not mine], and has a bit of trepidation to live alone, and I have been living alone since I was 18y.o. -- so several decades since then)...but I rather not breakup based on distance. I'll let him take his time...we have only been dating for 8-ish months. I don't want to push or rush him into anything he is not comfortable with. We were going to move in together but...idk...maybe we should take our time and live separately for now. I'm worried to end up like my past relationships and told him no rush and to take his time as well. I always communicate my feelings to him and let him know how I feel.
Sorry, that was a long ramble... But just wanted to say good luck on your new journey, sometimes it takes dating a few different people to really find somebody who just...who gets you. My current partner is amazing, and he understands me very well, and is an amazing communicator. He doesn't hide anything from me. He's very blunt if anything bothers him, and talks about his feelings. I like that about him. I hope you find what you seek on your new journey. I think it's awesome that you plan on working on yourself and that you're also starting a new journey! Please take care! 💖
@ImpudentIncognito @ImpudentIncognito I can relate to this in some ways. My last ex before this was an alcoholic. We dated for 7 years. He went back and forth saying he would quit and at most he quit for a couple of weeks and then went right back to it. We didn't have kids though, so that made things not as difficult as what you're describing, I'm sure. Thank you for sharing and trying to give me some hope. It's really hard right now. I had to cut off contact with my current ex because I just couldn't take it and I need to heal. I still love him ALOT. even though I ultimately realize he isn't everything I needed in that he can't hold space for me emotionally because he doesn't have the capacity to do do and he doesn't even process his own emotions he just shoves them down. But yeah he was messaging me sharing his stress from what he's going through at work after I've already moved away for a week now. I know he's just used to me being the one he vents to. But that's no longer my burden to carry. And now I can't stop thinking about him and have urges to reach out but I know it's better this way. It's just so hard. I've also realized I'm anxious attachment style. Breakups and letting go are very hard for me. I just want to move on.
@pinkBranch2835
I'm so sorry you're going through this heartbreak. Breakups can be incredibly painful, especially when you lose someone you thought you would spend your future with. It's completely natural to feel the way you do right now, and it’s important to give yourself the space to grieve.