Help
I don't really know how to use this site but I really just want some help or some advice. I turned 18 rlly recently and I know this is an area for older adult only but I want advice from older people, people my age don't usually know what's best for me.
I've been thru alot my whole life, abuse, being exposed to horrible stuff online, grooming and molestation. Recently I've been feeling better and I'm happy but I have times when I'm alone where I really upset and just feel rlly sick. My dad groomed me throughout my childhood and Molested me too. He stopped when I was 10 and he doesn't know I'm aware of what he did, he thought I was too young to remember or that I was asleep. Today, he's like a saint. He's extremely caring and always gets me snacks and takes me and my brother out to have fun, we have great genuine conversation and he just literally seems like a loving and caring father. He's nothing like be used to be. I try to blame his old behavior on a brain injury he had. Lately I can't stop remembering what he did to me, even if he's a great dad no, i remember what he did and I feel angry and sick. I don't know what to do. I'm going to therapy soon but I know I won't be able to tell them this. I want to stay with my dad because I know my life will only get harder if I live with my mom, she's disabled and never takes us out, she can't even clean or go outside. I just want advice on what I should do or feel. I hate my dad for what he used to do but I love Him for how his is NOW. Should I want to be away from him? Or is it okay for me to stay? Please don't judge, I just rlly want some help.
@VioletRR
I won't judge!
I'm sorry you've gone through so much 🥺
You didn't deserve any of this
It's alot to feel anxious navigate and I'm just glad you opened up and shared.
As long as you are safe now and know your feelings matter.
Please be careful when going online or opening up to people.
Sadly people prey on other people's vulnerabilities and expose them to things they shouldn't.
Be mindful of all you've been through 💖💜
@Amanda84
Thank you
Hi,
I’m so sorry about what you went through and honestly from the way you made your dad sound, the shift that he had, I think that it would be worth bringing it up to him. Talking about it.
You might not be able to fully get closure if you don’t ever mention it to him, but please, be careful and stay safe. Update us whenever you can ❤️
Be safe and always here to talk 🥰
@MoonlitMind
Thank you for you're care but I don't think I could ask him that. That's a scary idea for me and it's do nothing but destroy my family and makes things alot harder. I really just want to know why he's like this and how I should feel about him as my dad. It makes me sad knowing I'll likely never get closure but I have a dream that my future will be peacful, I'll have my own house and stuff and I'll be happy. I just want that future to include me feeling better about what my dad did. I really want a father in my life and he's acting like the type of father everyone would want. I don't want to ruin that. But I dont know if this is healthy for me.
I'm sorry you went through so much. Going to therapy will definitely be good for you, and about living with your dad, you have to see which one of your parents will have the least amount of stress on you. Therapy will help you to see the best way more clearly. What i can suggest is that you spend less time in the house, maybe going to a friend or a family members house who you trust and who you can talk. If you have no one stay here. I really hope you get better 🤍🫂
@nuvembrilhante
Thank you so much. I always planned to work hard and move out, I feel like I'd get better the less I'm around him but I still want him in my life, he's my dad and I love him, sometimes I hate that I love him though. I just really hope I'll feel better soon and maybe just accept and grow from what I went through. I plan to keep a distance from my father and only be around freinds and safe family members, I just can't now. I still live with him and I'm still in highschool and it's hard to afford moving out. I want to have a dad but I also want to avoid him as much as possible. I dont ever want him to know i know what he did, Just kind of pretend that my family and my life is peaceful until it actually becomes that way , i don't rlly know what's best for me but this thought is what makes me feel a little hope.
It hurts me to hear about what you went through.
You deserve to heal and blossom.
One of the thing that strikes me about your story is the change in your father. Do you know what caused the change? Molestors just don't change like that...
Please always be cautious ... keep sharing here... youre anonymous so its safe... there are so many kind souls here who will give you love without any hidden selfish motive... its easy to trust with anonymous platforms like these dedicated to support and service.
Love you pal 💛
@VioletRR
@Creamyyy
Thank you. I dont know why he changed, it's a good thing he's different now but I don't understand how he did such a 180. I'm usually huge on psychology, it's my favorite class but there's nothing that shows me why he's like this. I wish I knew. But I can never ask him, it'd change everything for the worst.
I would do the same: not bring up the topic. Its going to make things uncomfortable and awkward and you need peace to keep things livable for yourself.
But I wouldnt ever trust such a person fully either. I believe lessons with people should make us a bit cautionary.
My father hit me once. We get along fine now to cohabit but no - he will never be on my trusted list.
@VioletRR
@VioletRR
Hey I am really sorry you had to go through that, I have had similar experience from my childhood so I can understand, but hey I wanna say something from my personal experience, just check up on your brother, I mean When I was a kid, my tenant molested me he eventually stopped I actually just never understood why, later on in the future my sister opened until he left my place he used to molest my sister almost everytime he had a chance and he would threaten her saying he would do the same to me, if she ever opened up about it to anyone, my sister never did until just a few years back.
This is just a possibility so I really don't mean to be rude or intervene in this matter and I am not sure about it at all, but I think the situation might be something like this, again telling it from my own experience and what I have researched on such cases I don't mean to intervene at all or be rude . So your dad might be molesting your little brother right now and I don't know the age of your brother but if he is young then it is very easy for your dad to pretend like he is an amazing dad to your brother, as he can hide all this evil behaviour of him by taking you to places, buying you snacks, and pretending like he is an awesome dad and making it seems like he is doing huge favours to you while he is just doing what normal dads should do, I am not sure about it, but you can subtly try to ask your brother about it or judge from his behaviour , or can judge from your own experience from childhood, like in my case the tenant would be abusive and then later on behave really nice and since I was a little kid my understanding of the whole situation was really bad so I would always be stuck between thinking if he is a bad person or not, if your dad did showed the same behaviour towards you in your childhood like first do evil things and then to hide everything and so that you wouldn't speak about it to anyone behave really nice later on, also from my research sometimes abusers manipulate children saying that I am doing this much for you, I am being so nice so that the children are never able to question there behaviour as the understanding of kids at that age is very fragile, then I am just speaking from personal experience he might as well be behaving the same way to your brother.
I am really really sorry if I am wrong, but is just a possibility, also I wanna say, it is my personal opinion so I am really sorry if it ain't right , no matter how your dad is behaving to you right now, he was still a bad person and shouldn't have done anything like that, you deserve to be at a happy and especially healthy place, and how he is behaving right now, is just a normal dad behaviour, never take it as favour from him, it is something every normal dad should do, he should be punished for what he did, you should be able to move forward build a life for yourself, get a job, live happily and be able to leave all this trauma far behind.
@scarletBalsam388
Hey, also again just a personal opinion, I don't mean to be rude, but if you like you should do little bit more research on the behaviour of molesters and also the victims, it will help you get the clarity of the situation more .
Again I don't mean to be rude, I am just telling you my opinion . good luck with healing, remember it down you are amazing and can do amazing things on your own you don't need to depend on your father's hospitality or have to give it in to live with your mother, you can build up a life for yourself, get a career build your own home be safe and be able to heal and I am hopeful you will be able to leave all this trauma far behind, and what your dad did was wrong no matter how he behaves right now, how he is behaving is just what a normal dad should do ! All the best 🍀🍀🍀🌸🌸🌸🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷💖💖💖💖💖💖 also I am really sorry if I was rude or made you uncomfortable with my opinion!!!
@scarletBalsam388
I will be honest, this idea did terrify me. I have a huge doubt that he did anything like that to my brother, my brothers room is right besides mine and the walls are thin. He never goes in there and my brother is old enough and isn't the type to allow that to happen to him. I mean it genuinely when I say my dad really is completely different. I have no clue why he changed, im glad but am struggling so much because of it. Thank you for your opinion, if it was right it'd be a big help but luckily it isn't. My dad literally does act like a saint now and I'm so confused as to why. It makes me so upset, I wish I knew what he was thinking. Sometimes I wonder if HE even remebers what he did to me.
@VioletRR
Hey, I am really sorry for how everything is going on right now, I don't know what to say but I think I can just suggest a thing, it is just a suggestion that will help you bring a little peace, how about you set up a year and time of your life when you will ask about everything that happened to your dad, like the time when you grown enough old have started earning, have moved out and have made many new friends, in this way you will have a little relief ohk ! I will ask it in future and figure it out, if you like u can write this time and what you will do on this time on a page and put it in a jar, it can help to provide a little temporary relief now as you will be rest assured that I will ask it in future until then I will work on my healing and create a safe space in my mind, but if something like this ever comes up again I will stay strong and confront my dad on it Ohh ! And I hope your therapy goes well, you can always update here on cups, people are lovely over here, they will be able to help even if just a little bit.
Also I am really sorry, I am keeping this up, perhaps it is just my own trauma speaking so I am like really sorry I won't be bringing it in anymore in future at all I promise, but I mean even if your brother is like from 13-15 years old still keep on checking on him, sometimes even if you do are aware of what is happening still there isn't enough courage to speak about it to anyone, I mean I used to be with my sister almost all the time yet had no clue until she herself spoke years later .Perhaps it is all in my head, so I am really sorry, I won't be bringing it in anymore.
Will just suggest researching a little more on the same and also on the brain injury that your dad had like is it possible for him to forget things cause of it, and forming a opinion in your head to help clear doubts that you have and getting a sense of relief.
I hope it helps and I wish you luck on healing be safe and take care of yourself, u are amazing and deserve to live a healthy life 💖💖💖 !
@scarletBalsam388
Its okay, I asked for advice and I'm willing to take into consideration even the scariest ideas. I sometimes do think about maybe confronting my dad on what he did, maybe when im older, less close to him and when my brother isn't living with him either. I just really don't want to destroy my family and household at such a vulnerable time in all our lives. If I were to confront him, I'd wait till I'm moved out and my brother is moved out because without my dad in the picture now, we'd be extremely poor and my brothers not at the age to live on his own yet. He could always live with my mom but for some reason he doesn't behave around her, he kind of takes advantage of her kindness and disability, he never listens to her and he makes her stressed out. My brother LOVES my dad and is clueless of what he's done, I can't ruin that. I'm kind of scared of ever confronting my dad, especially when i take in the thought of scheduling a time in my life to do so. I'm only 18 and I doubt I'll even have an apartment until I'm atleast 21. I'm not even out of highschool yet. Setting up a date for confronting him when I'm older would kind of stress me out, I think I'd just have constant dread knowing that the time is coming. I want compete control over what I'm going to do, even if I set up a date, who knows how my life will be when that day comes. I also really want my father in my life and I know for a fact that if I tell him I know what he did to me, I won't be able to face him even if I wanted to. Just talking about my trauma makes me feel sick and worse than I was before, I can only imagine how I'll be mentally if I confront him and make the trauma and burden come alive. I hate my dad for what he did but now he's a great dad that I know I'd likely benefit from in certain aspects. Whenever I cry now, he's so concerned and caring, he doesn't know it's because of him. Once I was crying and he went all out, comforting me and immediately taking me out to get snacks I liked despite us having barely any money, he brought me my favorite cat so I could pet her. He's genuinely worried and loves me. I wish he was always like this and I never even had been hurt by him but it's how he is now that makes me want him to stay my dad and stay clueless. He'll change in a way I'm unaware of if I confront him and I know my family and life will change too. I want to be in control of my life, just for once. I just really want to know if I'm being delusional or am gaslighting myself. This is a big question but do you think my idea of what I want is good or bad? I rlly appreciate your concern
@VioletRR
Hey, I think what you want isn't bad at all, you are being rational and practical in your situation which is something really good to do, don't overburden yourself with these thoughts, when I said you should keep a time to confront your dad in future, I said it cause it would help in tricking your brain that you will do it later when you would be able to handle the situation, so this question of if your father is pretending or has actually changed wouldn't bother you right now, since to this thought you could always say, I will definitely do it later.
I get it that u are in a tough spot right now and the way u are reacting towards it is completely understandable and valid, infact you are being rational and even thinking about your mother even though you are going through such a tough time.
hey, I think opening up about it, letting the thoughts that are over in your head could help.
I think it's just a suggestion, but how about you tell your therapist that in your childhood you had a friend who abused you, right now that friend of yours has completely changed and it seems as if they don't even remember what they had done, and they are the one helping you during times of distress, you can't even confront that friend, cause both of you have a common friend who values the friendship with this friend a lot, telling and confronting them would put you in a tight spot since they are the one helping you right now and u are a lot dependent on them, and you are afraid to loose your friendship especially the support system you have, and also it is really hard cause this common friend loves them a lot.
I think in the above way u will be able to open up about your dilemma and childhood trauma to your therapist, without actually telling about your dad, also if the therapy goes well and you learn and have more questions in it you feel comfortable enough you can open up about your dad slowly and tell the whole truth. I would suggest instead of a friend say it is some older relative of yours cause if you say a friend it is most likely the therapist would assume they are of your age or even ask you about your friend's age and also cause the therapist might say it is possible for the friend as they grew older to forget about it since they weren't old enough at that age, so saying it is a older relative of yours whose age you don't know, would be better.
Hey what I wanna say is what your dad did was wrong weather he remembers it or not, I think I wanted to say that you should try taking help from your therapy and focus on healing setting up a goal for yourself that you want to get out of this place you want answers to your dilemma, so for that I will just stay strong and work on healing and work hard to make a life outside, I am strong and deserve to be at a healthy and happy place so when I have finally managed to do it, I will ask him myself but until then I will stay strong, ohk ! I am also suggesting you to think like this cause it is a positive approach and can help you get the courage to face this situation, and help in tricking your brain to lower the burden of facing the dilemma, you don't actually have to be so concerned about it rather just go at your own place, healing takes time I was suggesting it cause it can help in tricking your brain and giving it a sense of relief that you will do it and find answers to your questions just not right now, right now you need your dad and is taking is help.
I am like really sorry if I offended you in any way or I was rude, I just want to say I am not an expert nor I am a therapist I am suggesting you solutions from my own experience and what I have researched. I might be wrong so I don't expect you to take any of this seriously, I have just put up in front my point of view and how it could be beneficial, but you should do what you think is right in your position, but remember to take care of yourself, ohh ! And I also wanted to say you are really strong like really strong, I had never had the courage to accept what happened until a few months back when I opened up to my listener he was the first person to know and after that I am writing it over here, while you are so strong, it takes courage to open up and raise questions! Take care of yourself, you are amazing and stay safe 💖💖💖
@scarletBalsam388
* I meant to heal at your own pace not place !
@scarletBalsam388
Ohh ! Also if you just ever want to have a casual talk to take your mind of things! I am always happy to talk, and share about random things like about my cow and all. Good luck bye bye : ) 💖💖💖
Hey, @violetRR
I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. Your emotions are completely valid, and what your father did was not acceptable or forgivable, even if he has changed now. When a child experiences harassment or trauma from the very place where they were supposed to receive safety and nurturance, it can lead to long-lasting effects, including PTSD and difficulties with trust and identity. It’s natural to feel empathy or confusion, especially if he is the one taking care of you now and your mother has health challenges. Sometimes the mind tries to adapt to the only available caregiver, even when there is a painful history. But that does not erase the harm that was caused, and it does not mean you owe forgiveness. Forgiveness is a personal choice, but it must never come at the cost of your safety or emotional well-being. You deserve to set boundaries, protect yourself, and acknowledge the reality of what you went through. I truly hope you find a way to move toward safety, healing, and support. You didn’t deserve any of this, and you deserve a life free from fear and emotional burden. I wish you strength and clarity as you figure out the next steps in your healing journey.
@Capybara234
Thank you so much, I'm really trying to figure out what's best for me. I'm trying to help myself but also trying to not destroy my family. I don't want to make my mom's or my brothers life harder because of what I went though. I really just hope I can heal from what happened and maybe obtain a future where I'm out of that house and happy.
I am so sorry for you. It must be hard sharing the same household with someone who had been a problem for you during your childhood. You may feel stuck between loving him as a caring dad and hating him for the last things he had done. I understand your situation. I hope you soon find your way through this, although moving out isn't a good idea.
I am a listener and whenever you feel the need to talk to someone or just feel lonely, you are welcome to text me. Taking to listeners and therapists may help you find some solution. Wish you will be fine soon!